Reader..

For the past few days, I've been trying to read. I have finally finished the book Cat wanted me to read, she told me it will help me a lot with coping up and how to move on with my life. I really liked the book and I was able to understand some things why God wanted us to be like this "Being a Woman"

I was reading the booklet Bessie gave me; its a small book titled: "Questions teens ask" or something like that, I forgot since it was pretty long. I tried to read through and understand some topics. The 2nd topic just made me feel uncomfortable, with all the topic about dating and all. [ If your ready to date are you ready to get "Married"] or are you ready with long term commitment and all. Which made me feel unease at the same time sad, it made me think about him again.. How he thinks that I can not be with him.. Trying to remember the exact words he used torments me at the moment, good thing that I am at the kitchen and the 3 of them are at the bedroom. It hurts, seriously; to be reminded that "He can not see me as his wife" because... (and the list will go on)

As much as possible, I try not to get affected. I try to put up a show that makes the people that surround me oblivious of what I am thinking about. My agenda is try to make a detour: a diversion... always always; find an escape pod. I know I sound childish at the moment, whenever it crosses my mind; the thing about me dating a new guy?

- series of questions pop inside my head..

• If I date a new man; will he be forever?
• Would he ask me for marriage eventually?
• Will he be the one who will fill the happiness inside my heart?

Questions I would always think about; but I'm prohibited to think about. He once told me that; I didn't have the right to feel depress.. Now I wonder, do I always have to pretend that I am happy?

I'm always left in one solution, and that is to stay in God's side. Be the wife Jesus wants me to be, "keep your eye on the prize" -- and that is God.

I also finished reading New Moon, and now I was starting to read Eclipse.. This book series does not fail to catch the "awhs and owhs" of my feelings & emotions. Even though this type of love does not really exist... as how majority of the people decide about it. Before; I used to believe in this type of love.. Now: I don't feel sad (may be sometimes) at the thought that it might now exist. Whats there to loose if I believe it? May be it can hurt or may be it makes me realize that there is a slim possibility of finding your one truest love.

I guess, the thought of me being "over-sensitive" stimulates the sentiments that I treasure most in my life. I am aware that I am "weak", I try not to show it to people because I do not want them to know how I am as a person... I prefer when people ask me personally, instead of sharing it.

Now, I don't want people to think that I am selfish.. That was never my intention, and I would always tell that to myself.. I don't want others to pity me, frequently I feel that I am desolated. A person who shows no interest in many things; but my inner beauty is bruised semi tortured as if I am left to rot on my own. Yes may be; one factor is that I am very emotional.. The fact that no one can shoulder me with a support makes it worst..

Le tua cantante

"They have a name for someone who smells the way Bella does to me. They call her my singer—because her blood sings for me"

As Edward would say it.

I would always wonder where he can be found? or when? But often times, I am being straighten up by Jesus to focus on one thing... and that one thing is to set my eyes on God alone.

I'm sitting here at the kitchen counter by myself, slightly chilly (since their heater is broken) I'm enjoying this slow and quiet night, the thought of me being alone here makes it even more relaxing..

I dreamed of him last night, the first dream was about him (his physical appearance was of same in reality) he was there.. cold.. showing no interest in me, as if I am a stranger.. as if nothing happened between us. Which left me wounded in my dream, it hurts so bad... to be ignored..

the second dream: it was him though the image wasn't totally him.. as if he had a physical appearance transplant? (did that make sense?) He was more handsome, charming... same traits of Edward.. [it sounds fairly ridiculous but I really enjoy those thoughts but, it ends up hurting me.. my heart.. a dysphoric feeling]

I know I'm okey.. I'm doing great, the distractions are even great.. semi-hiding is even helping. I get confuse... I close my eyes, and it makes me think of just floating and think of nothing..

I want to try using the "nothing box"

The book Bessie gave me: makes me think about "who my husband can be?" It used to be just one man... JUST SINGLE ONE. But the thought of him not wanting me to be in his future... continues to torment me every single time I name drop it inside my head.. [it plays over and over]

I feel restless.. Everywhere I look, it makes me think of him. But he is right: I do not have the right to feel sad.

Edward believed that when he left Bella, it would do good for Bella... But guess what, he was wrong..

I feel that my thoughts are a bit hokey.. I'm truly sorry about it.

:(

It will take several months for me to receive a warm embrace from someone.. I hope it can be him, though what are the chances? since its very slim..

I feel pathetic... too bad, I'm just human to feel this way.

gawd.. I have 2 straight day offs, will I be able to talk to him? Or should I go out on my own? and try to even out my thoughts.. Or should I sloth the whole day?

I'm going, I'll check in a day or two.. I'll disturb my friends, the air is too serious.

Yes, I do miss