Last of the 2009

I am currently in a weird vibes, I'm tripping on the old musics that I used to listen and pours down lots of memories (at the same note, I try not to get affected with it) Its as if it wants to convey to me some kind of message.

[oh what the heck]

why should I care?

New Year is a day away from us.. [uh-oh] new events and hardships to be tackled.

commercial break: my blog is almost 3 years old, since this blog was for him. {upset}

pardon me lyrics:

"pardon me, I'll never be the same"

gawd, I feel awful right now. I am so good in hiding this fake show that I currently showcase the people around me. Could you imagine how discombobulated I am?

• I used to be good in remembering some particular details
• I get to be more moody now
• I dislike people who try to sway me with something I believe is wrong
• I beg to differ with other views but I don't usually show the person that I disagree

Recently, I have been letting myself starve and get tired... I've been thinking a lot of things lately:

- a colleague of mine pointed out that "I take things too seriously"

is that something bad? like is it a bad trait to keep things in tact and in place, show a facade of complete "poker face"

- I am too sarcastic when I talk or speak

I guess thats why people don't or never took me so seriously? they thought I was bluffing? was my honesty too much for them? That being over to frank affects their view upon me?

- My mood swing has just caused too much death rate?

I take pride in hiding my true affection and as much as possible I show a different side of myself when I am outside.

Lately, my dreams are just too random that I couldn't even understand what and why they were like that?

I've been sleeping late again,

and I told myself that I would stop sleeping late...

=(

I need a panacea for this illness..

Have I gone mad?

Most importantly, I'm happy 2009 is almost over. It has caused me too much heartache, too much lost, too many to be appertained.

I feel so silly just thinking about the things that had happen,

its a mixture of both:

happy times

and

sad times

with a ratio of: 195: 5

happy times is the supreme winner.

=(

Now, I am fallen to disparity that I am welcoming a new part of my life in a new year in this kind of set up.

I know I need not to prove my strengths? I am tired of pretending, even in this single life, I am still trying to figure out who I am?

I feel like a heroine left without a Hero to protect her,

now, it feels like my loneliness is more emphasized more than ever. more like its "highlighted" and I really really hate it.

I really really want to do something stupid... (but I don't want because, regret would just crawl up on me)

Unfaithfulness is wrong, revenge is bad. But the

worst part of all is that, without forgiveness

bitterness is all that is left.

[currently cursing mentally]

breathes in:

and repeats a

mantra:

I am strong, I can do this.

I think its nap time for me:

I miss your warmth my old lover, you never fail to put me closer to your warm body and made me feel I'm the only person who fits perfectly around your chiseled body.