Setirsi Vivi

Setirsi vivi: translates to "Feel alive" in Italian

I'm going to make this quick, since I still feel groggy and sleepy, its a bit sad whenever I think about that I am here in this semi-sick sad little world (mountain)

I need someone to hold me close right now, I'm off to this place where I am the only person who could enjoy the natural beauty.

For once I want to feel happy and alive, I'm greatly appreciative of people who care of my welfare here.

I'm still sleepy, I need a pause and go back to dream world.. :)

Happy New Year!

Felice Anno Nuovo!

Glückliches Neujahr!

[scratches eyes and will fall asleep in awhile]

Last of the 2009

I am currently in a weird vibes, I'm tripping on the old musics that I used to listen and pours down lots of memories (at the same note, I try not to get affected with it) Its as if it wants to convey to me some kind of message.

[oh what the heck]

why should I care?

New Year is a day away from us.. [uh-oh] new events and hardships to be tackled.

commercial break: my blog is almost 3 years old, since this blog was for him. {upset}

pardon me lyrics:

"pardon me, I'll never be the same"

gawd, I feel awful right now. I am so good in hiding this fake show that I currently showcase the people around me. Could you imagine how discombobulated I am?

• I used to be good in remembering some particular details
• I get to be more moody now
• I dislike people who try to sway me with something I believe is wrong
• I beg to differ with other views but I don't usually show the person that I disagree

Recently, I have been letting myself starve and get tired... I've been thinking a lot of things lately:

- a colleague of mine pointed out that "I take things too seriously"

is that something bad? like is it a bad trait to keep things in tact and in place, show a facade of complete "poker face"

- I am too sarcastic when I talk or speak

I guess thats why people don't or never took me so seriously? they thought I was bluffing? was my honesty too much for them? That being over to frank affects their view upon me?

- My mood swing has just caused too much death rate?

I take pride in hiding my true affection and as much as possible I show a different side of myself when I am outside.

Lately, my dreams are just too random that I couldn't even understand what and why they were like that?

I've been sleeping late again,

and I told myself that I would stop sleeping late...

=(

I need a panacea for this illness..

Have I gone mad?

Most importantly, I'm happy 2009 is almost over. It has caused me too much heartache, too much lost, too many to be appertained.

I feel so silly just thinking about the things that had happen,

its a mixture of both:

happy times

and

sad times

with a ratio of: 195: 5

happy times is the supreme winner.

=(

Now, I am fallen to disparity that I am welcoming a new part of my life in a new year in this kind of set up.

I know I need not to prove my strengths? I am tired of pretending, even in this single life, I am still trying to figure out who I am?

I feel like a heroine left without a Hero to protect her,

now, it feels like my loneliness is more emphasized more than ever. more like its "highlighted" and I really really hate it.

I really really want to do something stupid... (but I don't want because, regret would just crawl up on me)

Unfaithfulness is wrong, revenge is bad. But the

worst part of all is that, without forgiveness

bitterness is all that is left.

[currently cursing mentally]

breathes in:

and repeats a

mantra:

I am strong, I can do this.

I think its nap time for me:

I miss your warmth my old lover, you never fail to put me closer to your warm body and made me feel I'm the only person who fits perfectly around your chiseled body.

Romeo and Juliet

Why was there love ever so forbidden?

How could William Shakespeare write a tragic love story?

both lovers were so in love with each other..

yet?

their truest and purest form of love could not be welcomed

by their own families?

Its such a pity that once in your life you find your one truest love,

the person who could make you cry and laugh at the same time; how could life ever be so cruel and just let the people hurt themselves and let the pain stop?

The classical Renaissance & Baroque literature are truly amazing, its captures how "sorrow, pain, anguish, agony- and all the sadness enters from all walls"

"Romeo is banished,
There is no end, no limit, measure, bound,
In that word's death. No words can that woe sound."
- William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, 3.2

Banish you say?

truly, I was banish- he was banish... should I continue my banishment? so that all will be entertained by my lost?

I hate when I am faced with this sadness; I carry much emptiness in m chest; the romanticism inside me creates an illusion that "I too will find a Romeo"

Pure... B-shiz

Everybody leaves me,

to the core that, you thought that single person would stay behind you and guard you.

-but never mind

As how I would put it;

mind me not..

O my love, my wife!
Death, that hath suck'd the honey of thy breath
Hath had no power yet upon thy beauty."
- William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, 5

truly... truly truly...

how gracious; my lids are collapsing; and I shall bid you farewell, I will be drifting away with my own dream; a dream full of scare and unease.

ADVANCE: Happy New Year

I pray that 2010 will not fail me this year,

(as fierce as a lion, as still as a lamb)

[I definitely would have to concentrate more on my patience]

lazy cute bum

:}

back to hiding again...

hmm... sooo sleepy, I want to do something [ thinks about someone]

though its complicated, I'm unusually feeling happy, and my head is throbbing due to lack of sleep & nobody takes care of me.

(tear)

I'm down at my bed, lounging at pretending someone is bed-side me. hah!!

yawn...

am I violent vile woman? wonder...

mood swing on the role :|

fcuk off.. piss off

I am reminded:

truly I remembered the sweet scent from your neck; that ever tickles the senses of my nose. Your fragrance attracts my being to be with you more...

={ sadness envelopes me. I miss the arm that I tug tighter and closer when I feel afraid.

I miss the tender lips that are pressed in my cheeks and forehead to signify that you are there and that you love me.

I was about to sleep, but thousands of thoughts slowly trickled down my membrane...'

I love you.. I love you... I love you truly and dearly... I love you irrevocably..

yawn..

zzz.

Vow of Celibacy

So I figured out that I should take a vow to myself; between God and I, that I should be able to not be fallen with sexual temptation. May be after I meet a perfect man or if there is a chance be reunited with him...

Its a bit crazy but I think it will be beneficial for me and for the person who gets to marry me, a little bruise and scratched on my purity wont hurt.

Well I'm just making this official since when we split up, I told myself that I do not want to be tainted by other men's blood and to keep myself from evil temptation.

(will continue later.)

feels a bit sleepy: 6:00am (2:30pm U.S. Time)

continuation...

I was able to think about what I'm suppose to put myself through, even though I currently feel (aych- owh- arh- en- why) read it phonetically.

Celibacy means:

Way of life involving voluntary abstinence from sexual intercourse. In some religions, such as Christianity and Buddhism, celibacy is sometimes a requirement for certain religious roles, such as the priesthood or a monastic life. Other religions, including Judaism, strongly discourage celibacy.

My next plan is:

1. buy a ring that signifies as my purity ring
2. would eventually find a new boyfriend/ fiance
3. date him for awhile

All this plans will only be applied when I get back to Manila, before graduating or may be after my graduation. Time is ticking like crazy, and I believe it would be best for me to really think through what I should start preparing when I get back. Many things will change, but as much as possible I will keep my vow till the end; I will try to exhaust much effort for this to be successful.

I'm not going to be a silly girl anymore, I will try to take chances and at the same time be patient with the things that I'm suppose to be doing for my future; such as the money that I'll be able to save will either be given to my parents for be put to my savings for the future.

Trying to think through the stuffs that I should be handling for the future sounds as if I'm almost to being the "adult" that I need to be; which I don't really want... I'm afraid of growing up, I don't want to learn more things (though I really want to)

I seriously, can't see myself with other men aside from him.

is it bad?

did I get stuck with this person?

and is it bad again?

though, if I'm given a chance to meet a new man,

wouldn't that be great?

what am I afraid of anyways?

what is holding me back?

the fact that he proposed to me before?

(was that puppy thing?)

whispers: (but I know that man, everything he tells me is serious; flat out damn serious)

[I guess he called off the engagement?]

should that sadden me?

Tries to think carefully...

the fact that I love him and it will never ever change; and all I can do is shut my mouth

so that he will be able to live his life peacefully without me. surely that will be a good help right? keeping it damn real?

Has heaven forbidden me not to fall in love with another man? or has heaven forbade me not to fall in love at all?

(sighs; maybe my "Vow" is right on time for this)

My work has been a pain; and its does not give me enough hours to complete my designated hours per week which is starting to aggravate me, BUT I can't show it; because I need to be humble and meek about it.

sob.

I pray ever so deeply.. ={

current mood:

sleepy in a steady way.

Dig Lyrics:

I know you'll act as a clever medicine.

Now, who can be the antidote for this chronic illness that I have?

=(

Lover or no Lover?

I feel like a great fool again, my thoughts keeps on bugging me...

I want to be hypnotized and be put to sleep throughout the eternity,

(listening to incubus at the moment)

I love that band,

just how I love Sherard.

It HAS always been a fact not even a hypothesis.

It's been a theory ever since before.

punch drunk:

I will survive... On this island, I am stuck

Could you correct

My crooked luck tonight?

I'm punch-drunk, and I need to find a way back home
It'd be a miracle, if you'd oblige

[MENTALLY SCREAMS INSIDE HER HEAD]

I want to be a person who can be so strong who would not falter, and who would not be swayed by her emotions. I feel so much hurt right now, that I'd want to rip my way out of this craziness.

I don't know who I am anymore: am I being too emotional? that I have no right to sob myself to sleep. I feel so alone, I feel so lost without him. That wanting and needing him would be the 0% possibility... zero visibility, I am overwhelmed with this independence that I am given, that at the same time I feel so much hurt; from what is happening to me.

My requests; my whims, my life...

I wander alone, I try to go back to the

path that I took, but inevitability over shadows me.

DESPERATION?

is my last option, The LEAST LEAST thing that I would do.

I am a Golden Ticket

a prize to be gained.

I need to learn how to snowboard really really soon,

I need to do something stupid, something to grab this depression of mine.

I would need to suppress my emotions.

I need to train myself with a new skills, traits:

for next year, my plans of change are:

• less whining and less talking
• expressionless face (poker face)
• will bring back the old snob in me
• will no longer smile
• ignore side comment from other people
• listen and just agree and go back to business
• read more books; will venture different genres
• will be more of a follower than a leader
• will either: TRY; partying or stay at home for good
• will date a man with traits of: charms, intellect, would be able to serenade me, could look me straight in the eyes
• will dress more daring than before, or maybe conservative
• will try to have my hair in a short crop or may be mid length
• would not care with other people's thought about me, and will no longer feel insecure with other girls
• will sleep early, and will no longer stay up late

[and the list goes on]

I feel like

running away from this thoughts, I want to run freely going towards the woods or

driving soo fast at night with a BMW z3.. or maybe with a Nissan gtr? last option is a Porsche.

My last trait is:

| I will try not to be bitter about the things that happen about my life.

I will overdrive my Brain from working and I'd just want for it to pass out from exhaustion.

Brandon Boyd's voice soothes my soul,

it cries out the emotions out of my body.

Guess what? I feel like stabbing myself with a knife to stop my heart beat.

I'm seriously going to crash now,

I'm going to pray that I will not get a nightmare tonight.

V_V)

what have be come of me now?

Emotionally Limp

I just had my period, I would say it has something to do with my hormones.

I feel like crying right now..

Just hours ago I was doing just fine, I feel like hiding

I think I suddenly felt like I am not okey.

I haven't cried for a long time, these hormones are doing their job perfectly by swaying my emotions... I feel so much sadness right now..

I feel so empty, I am sobbing quietly at moment.. tears are streaming down my cheeks.

Why is it that I have noticed, men are afraid of women crying..

men tend to panic and wouldn't know how to control the women..

This is perfect: I am an over-sensitive woman, whom I think no man will be capable of taking care of me. I feel so lonely, so much space is unoccupied in my whole being right now.

I feel like just crying myself to sleep,

nothing interesting to be pouring out my tears..

when nobody would try to stop them from exiting the eyes,

should I really give up now?

Tomorrow will be "Boxing day"- the day after Christmas.

I feel like sleeping now, too much hurt is enveloping my heart at the moment; my brain's been so worked up and my eye lids are failing me already.

whispers to herself: Who would save me?

Who would be willing enough to be my

own true

HERO

[< Merry Christmas >]

I guess its really nice to spend the Christmas this year in a very different approach, the fact that I am not sobbing I guess I have fully gotten over the thoughts of not spending Christmas and such other celebration.

Its the thought that counts not the physical emphasis you show, also its snowing here as to compare if I spent it in Manila. Sometimes it just takes time to adjust to the new habitat.

I am extremely happy! My heart still continues to flutter at the thought that I was able to talk to him, it makes my heart sing; it skips a beat whenever he makes me flushed. (bites her lower lip)

what have I done ever since I woke up?

• took a really nice bath
• dressed up in PJ's (sloth mode)
• fixed my laundry and headed for the laundry rooom
• ate sandwich: bacon+cheese with 3cheese mayo in french baguette
• went back to the laundry to put my clothes at the dryer
• went for a smoke [kidding]
• Is currently at the bed doing typing away

Too bad this kind of feeling again is temporary, but I know many things about him that are left unspoken of but I guess we both know whats inside of us. No words needed to be explained, haha! that seriously sounded like telepathy!

I guess its just how it will

work out

for now.....

as how they would put it, "keeping it real"

(My head hurts terribly right now)

I went outside with my wet hair... and

NOW MY HEAD HURTS!

WAAAH!

lyrics:

I'M YOURS- J. MRAZ

There's no need to complicate
Cause our time is short
This oh this this is out fate, I'm yours!

:)

(GIGGLES EVER SOO HAPPY)

Dog Tired

I am just exhausted, can I just say...

:[ I am sleepy, I want a kiss. please!

11hours of work for just one day, I am just tired. =(

Delayed? or So?

So I figured out that my chest are getting a bit more plump than the usual and the fact that I can feel that and particular understand that my period is suppose to be 2 days ago... which is why I find it difficult to understand why I still don't have it..... :( it's 23rd already tomorrow...

waaah...

I promise, I do not have any guys messing around with me..

Well maybe its coming soon. :|

I remembered something... (grins)

I am like so happy:

because I am fully equipped with my stuffs already and yeah..

1. headset for laptop
2. wi-fi is on and running thanks to the great technical & networking skills of Carlos
3. my external cd-reader
4. my TV & cable internet

HAH! now I can survive.

LOL

haven't used that expression for a long time, and also I'll be like just online 24/7

I'll leave my laptop just open so that I can make the most out of the internet & TV...

I couldn't believe its like 3am already, and I have work at 12pm?

SHizz.

I'm just worried about my period though..

I guess the Manila people wont be able to catch me again =(

P.S.

Lovely thoughts run crazy for him.

(News Flash: I just saw Carlos half naked..

meaning he didn't

have a shirt but had short..

didn't dare to look further.

I guess I wasn't interested?)

(Continues to ponder about my lovely thoughts sob. )

Babe cruelty

Tonight I finished working and closing the kitchen at 11:30ish pm... with Jon, he made like 11hours today and I just made 6hours. amazing isn't it? he's almost in his quota for this week for the hours.

whispers: unfair..

Can I just say, I am sooo freaking tired... Now I just gave up on attempting to install a wi-fi/ cable/ modem/ gateway...

ugh. whatever you call it. =( I am such a mortard (moron retard) for this. huhu! How I wish someone could save me from this agonizing networking// shizz!!

So tired......

I miss S . . . . . .

hums: I miss you (in head: 1 million times)

I'm going to crash.. I feel so damn exhausted.

=(

Darn it... the fact that I have to wake up early tomorrow for work:

12pm shift.. HUHU...

2009 is almost over: sayonara

Something to ponder: my aunt sent me this very thoughtful insight that sort of made me think and realize that this simple things can be doable and some people are just stubborn like me: not to do some of this stuffs.

So I italicized some stuffs that I think I usually do and the bolded stuffs that people tend to forget

HANDBOOK 2010 Health: 1. Drink plenty of water. 2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar. 3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.. 4. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy 5. Make time to pray. 6. Play more games 7. Read more books than you did in 2009 . 8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day 9. Sleep for 7 hours. 10. Take a 10-30 minutes walk daily. And while you walk, smile. Personality: 11. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about. 12. Don't have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment. 13. Don't over do. Keep your limits. 14. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does. 15. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip. 16. Dream more while you are awake 17. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.. 18. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner with His/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness. 19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others. 20. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present. 21. No one is in charge of your happiness except you. 22. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime. 23. Smile and laugh more. 24. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree... (This is just plain sad) Society: 25. Call your family often. 26. Each day give something good to others. 27. Forgive everyone for everything. 28. Spend time w/ people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6. 29. Try to make at least three people smile each day. 30. What other people think of you is none of your business. 31. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch. Life: 32. Do the right thing! 33. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joy ful. 34. GOD heals everything. 35. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.. 36. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up. 37. The best is yet to come.. 38. When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it. 39. Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy. Last but not the least: 40. Please Forward this to everyone you care about, I just did

This is a really interesting list that I would have to say; I'd like to live a very good life next year: Since its either I'll be graduating or will be working for my future. Its interesting now that I am making money for myself and trying to control the urge for spending unnecessary wants and instead focus on the "needs".

I'm left at the apartment now and will be working at around 5pm isn't that a pity? a girl working for

the closing shift of the restaurant?

CHRISTMAS is around the corner:

and seriously its just there..

its sort of haunting me,

the fact that I wont

be with my family

and especially

with him.

The inevitable fact that:

All 3 consecutive years of my life,

I've been living with an

amazing person

and cherishing every

moment I had with him

it ultimate

gone

gone

gone

gone

A big space of my heart will continue to be unoccupied

- I will wait for the right person to fill those

space... the perfect 10 who will continue

making me happy and love me from the

purest and sincerest from his heart.

I've come to ponder:

that it was not unfair, but instead it was maybe the "Right Fix" for it

My nose hurts, I felt so exhausted yesterday from the extremely cold wind that made my whole body just shiver: truly it was such a wintry climate up in this mountains. :(

Its just nice to share body heat with someone right now.

a bientot

(catch you later)