*she deserves better*

"she deserves better"

The first phrase I just noticed from the movie I can only hear and not see.

What's wrong with a all the "womanizer" thing for men, why is it always the women's fault for the (forbidden encounter) It always gets in my nerves, thats why whenever my boyfriend is gone it feels like that "he's cheating on me" even though he is not.

I never wanted the feeling of thinking bad things towards my boyfriend because I fully know that he doesn't like it and at the same time I do not also. It aggravates him and so is me, it feels like he's temporarily gone yet I don't know what else to think about; "I don't know how to contact him in ways of: texting, calling or even IM-ing him"

I don't want to be the origin and the root of how he feels toward me, that I'm the epicenter of the catastrophe were in. Why am I so confused and scared, that I'd always want to be with him; always wanting to feel loved at the same time. *darn this tears are failing me again*

I care for him so much because; in my very own belief he is the only man who could comfort me and at the same time destroy and hurt me and at the same time put me back to pieces again. I sound such a martyr or whatever you'd want to call me' but I'm getting older and he's the only person I could trust my life with. Also, you can think that I'm a bit selfish for closing my heart only for him.

The Lord has always showed me plenty of signs and explanation that "Sherard" is truly for me; though we have a little hard time just to understand each other often times, still I want to continue my relationship with Sherard even though we fight big time and end up hurthing each other's ego.

Our sacrifice was always for the sake of each other's "happiness" I hope that he feels that I try to reciprocate the sacrifice he shows me and rewards him with a bountiful gift in return. It was never a favor because we so loved each other that we closed our doors for other people to enter it. Like any typical relationship; we want to be stronger and we want to keep our ties bonded and glued together. We never thought of something bad to each other; except when it's a joke or some topic just came up for us to play around with. My point is that; it's hard not to think of the other party to just behave or "would he cheat on me"

-My cousin would always say that it's a worldwide phenomenon; it always happen on marriages. Why am I so afraid of getting cheat on? *is it because he might do it to me?*

We were never vocal to public how we are as a pair; but what we do is that we act like as a couple, a pair with nothing to hide nor boast just the normal individual who we are. (I got nothing to explain to the public; who are they to judge a stranger or so the unknown?)

The both of us consider each other as family, spiritual and physical. It has come to a point that I never seem to feel bothered how my biological family feels toward him; why? because it will not be them who would be living with him. *why not meddle with your own life* My father is a very hard worker and provides us with a good healthy living; in return what I can only repay him is to be a good daughter and to give back what he had given us originally. At times, why does one parent just have to be the meticulous strict and overpowering you with decision and stiffly pushes you to do something you never liked but they'd think in their own part *you deserve this kind of living* because I provided you "this and that..." and I do not want you to live in a poor and harsh condition....

( family attachment to one's offspring)

I've actually read from the bible in the book of Genesis, that daughters were given to men who were rich and be gifts in exchange of something so and so.... As we continue how our world changed, women still pays the price for eternal debt.

I love my other half very deeply, and I'm so thankful that the Almighty one has given him to me.

[needs to sleep, because her mom thinks she's very stubborn and never listens to her]

"at times: it pays the price of listening to the parents" = it's just too hard to be controlled by them.

Mood: sleepy, and misses sherard so much.

P.S.

It's my dad's birthday today and at the same time "Thankgiving day for my brother's monthsary eye event"

must read this link: http://community.livejournal.com/ohnotheydidnt/34641481.html

I feel this hurt again

Here it is again, the piercing pain that just struck you straight in your chest. The malignant and abnormal pain that I am experiencing at this very moment. I was never the person who did self inflicting in order to make the emotional pain go away. In my personal opinion, I'm different I was the more sensitive person whom you just poke me with a sharpened wooden pike will be stabbed easily and would experience pain instantly.

Biblical, it was Eve who have caused Adam to see the truth and at the same time make him be banished in the Garden of Eden. Eve was the victim, for she was made fragile it was her fault why the incident happened. In comparison to 21st century set up, the men would always blame the woman for what had happened. It's sad to be born in a mental state that the opposite sex would always blame you for something idiotic you have done, instead of proactive they become reactive. How sad and unpleasant this tormenting feeling women are punished to have. Like in 17 again, in the movie the leading man blamed his wife for his short comings why he wasn't able to go to college -it was because he pursued the woman of her dreams. Like in Midnight Sun; Edward blamed Bella for having to have the sweetest blood he had ever smelled making him the demon inside of him.

As a result, all women had to endure everything the sorrow and the extreme pain anyone can put them into. I'm not being bias here, its how were made of: we are here to endure criticism, we have no room for error. Man, live to rule in this world and we the "women" exist to be beside them to be the outlet of all negativity in the world.

It hurts, honestly. And having dignity and pride, is our last resort to survive this life we are given to. At time the opposite sex would even take it against us for be to "pride" especially when we are at fault.

How hurtful, the piercing pain of being stabbed for your mistakes.

When will the Stubborn Prince Learn?

Times have change... Our time is deeply getting faster and faster, 4 years ago I was just this 16 year old girl who fell in love with this younger boy who I found really smart, witty, insane and would always out righteously tell me I'm wrong.

God, please help me continue my journey in your ways and to be strong and faithful towards you. Also, I ask of you to please hold my brother please do not let go of him. Continuously hold his shoulder, I know that he has suffered but I am not fully sure if he knows which path he wants to take. It's unbelievable that he thinks he'd want to "push his luck" one more time, do you think Lord that he is ready? Fully ready to stand up on his own? We don't know, I don't know. Who is the key to this mysterious person we are with one. We are family, we are brothers and sisters and we are you children please do not let your child fall into something you wouldn't want to fail.

I am fully aware that I do not read the bible that's why I do not know many things in our life. Lord, was I born to contradict your ways? I pray that I wasn't born for that purpose. Lord I know that you Love us more than anything, but your first Loves s your first son which is Jesus Chirst. You have sent him here for us to learn and to stay strong and believe to in your righteous ways and beliefs.

Lord, I pray to you. Please keep our family bonded as one in unity and in peace, I hope that I will have a sign. There might be people that do not trust me nor believe what I say to them, but you alone God knows what is inside my heart. I pray for those people who have departed for this week. Guns, suicide, evil, selfishness.

I ask of you that I hope that this will end soon, and I will read the bible for you sake. I will be waiting for a righteous sign.

I half like this day

CRAP CRAP!!

I GOT THE CAR SCRATCH. AND I SO HATE IT.

I DO NOT KNOW//

UNDERSTAND.

Easter Vigil

A new year, which means a new Easter month. I guess, it's been a week since my brother got discharged from the hospital which gives a very good sign, he's been a pretty good boy I think except the thing of being *stubborn* again.. as always which I think will never be erased in his personality since he thinks that I'm pretty annoying. Would a good change of approach be a nice solution towards his attitude to me. I just hope that my brother respects me for who I am, *sob* I am too is an older sister. I guess it would always be like that, same with sherard he will always address me as how he does 3 years ago or should I say 4 years ago?

It's been so long, and I still get hurt on how he wants to manifest *comments/opinion* toward me, I know that (everybody has their own right given opinion) but, when will I stop getting hurt. I would always try to be gentle on how I treat him, it's been a long period since we've been together so long that I'm not sure if this is right. That its okey for me to get hurt, and for him to get hurt with how he thinks I treat him... it's starting to go as its own limit again, passing near the "red line". He would always think that I am unfair, I am always this: I need to be pleased, I need to be boss, he thinks that I don't care, that I hurt him because of my own fun and pleasure. May be he is right, but at the same time may be he is wrong because he never ask me *the right question on the right time* I guess, I admit I am pretty much selfish; but in this cruel cruel world sometimes "An individual can be left in an island for a several of days or months just to contemplate and give them the right space for themselves". Nowadays, in our world we never get to have the right privacy and time for ourselves; it's either *we give it to others* or *we just don't know when to stop*. I know very dearly, *that I am not always the star of the show*.

This statements such as *not using the head before speaking* its very profound in a context that the person who addressed it to you wanted to be superior over you because he/she thinks of you as an alien or someone who has the size of the brain of bird. [bird brain] as they address it to someone who thinks they don't use their brain, because the other party felt *hurt* *pain* *sorrow* *sadness*.

When will this end, I don't know which part to start and which part to depart. I know, that God only knows these question to my sporadic nonesense question. Tell me that I'm a dramatic person, how else can this scar be just covered and be sutured back to it normal shape? Who can put it back, I try my best to be strong to be the person of great values, and has endured struggles toward the past 2 decades of her life. But who am I now? a person, just a person among the gazillion people who lives in our dear beautiful Earth. How much difference do I make in it? How much more pain and problem can I still endure, it was never/always the statement of "I understand how you feel" it was the other way around a contradicting thought from the other half. How many tears does an individual have to shed to show how much they are hurt and scared.

Humanity has its own words, Jesus Christ let himself suffered and only him for the sake of humanity. How else can other people do it, "sacrificing" its a very heavy word; not all people can do it also not all people attempt on doing it.

Who is pride and ego, who are they in this very great world we live in. Who has the right to judge one person? Who has the key to enduring all the sufferings of this world? Who will listen to the problems of socio-economic problem of global warming? Who, may be me, may be my classmate from pre school, may be just may be...

I feel that our life is sweet, lovely and short. How else do we want to live in it, in my very own believe, as a principle of thought: not everybody, is great with vocabulary, not everyone knows how to draw, not everyone has their both eye sight, not everyone can walk, not everyone survives and live till they accomplish their dreams, not everyone studies in a privilege school, not everyone gives back to the needy, not everyone believes in God. So who am I, who are you, who are the others to judge other being? I feel that I am an observer and never be the judge.

Lenten season, is a time for people to reflect and change. Recall why God gave his only son to us and suffer for other people's sin.

Now, I stay patient and not complain. I do not want to force other people to listen to me, if do not want them to feel that its their problem- "it's my problem" not theirs.

Yes, I am one of God's child that's why I do not want to seek too much attention of him. But I stand here, willingly to serve him. I may not be perfect for other people's eye, I pray that he will continue to love me and show me my life's purpose.

Mood: a classical piano by Chopin in Nocturne in G minor.
Song: Ave Maria

*It's Amazing*

Who would ever think how my "brother" gets to be the "Lucky Boy". I'm just pretty thankful and relieved that he was able to for now cope up with what happened to him. I am praying that God will continue his miracles and blessings towards him, and I hope that he will not take things for granted.

After this incident, it made me realize that there is really a miracle it may not be as extravagant as having an apparition but it was something grand for our family already. It's pretty sad how my dad can not make it, but we will do out best to keep my brother from being in touch with our dad.

I pray that this will serve him something, and find him a little purpose in life and to continue to find his inner strength, now that he still knows that many people care for him.

Love you bro! Be Strong!