kitchen counter

So here I am again,

I feel like going back to the apartment... since he's not yet online and the fact that, I think he is avoiding me or so. Again, I am faced with this question of:

"husband"

issue.

How it torments my heart whenever I think about it.

crazy. truly.

I bet, I can't find him... or should I say... I wont even meet him till like whatever age.. 30? huhu... Bella makes me laugh whenever I continue reading their story, it never fails to amuse me. I hate it whenever I remember him..

My used to be refuge?

The booklet "The questions teens ask"- (finally I remembered) Bessie gave me, sort of mocks me and I feel guilty about it. Throughout the book it points out that "being able to date"--- will lead you to your potential HUBBY or mate...

I feel envious with Bella... I want to get married also, I would want someone to propose with me "soon" like 3-4 years? haha...

we were suppose to be 4 years next year...

it pains me to remember it.

It humors me, whenever Edward shows his affection to Bella and she wouldn't take it seriously. [I feel guilty about it]

It's not that I'm trying to insult the affection, it even makes my heart flatter and makes me feel like there are butterflies it my stomach. (I know it sounds hokey) But I feels so nice when someone is in-love with you. I don't regret being left, but what I miss about it is when someone shows his affection towards you.. The feeling of being loved.. instead of being alone.

The environment here up in the mountains is very calm, pleasant and gives you a satisfaction of warmth as if its your long lost home.

its nice to grow old here. with him.

It makes me sad because I know I'm far away.. The fact that people cares less about me, I'm not at all captured with the local man here. Same goes with the boys with me here: Jon is like a kid brother who is very "effeminate" and more fickle minded than me, while David is like a friend who keeps on bullying and tries to always be funny and annoy people somewhat a "playboy" always tries to find girls. While Carlos, a guy who is too much of a neat-freak; prim and proper type of guy. A literal prince charming like of in the Disney Princess with their prince- not to mention his shinny white perfect smile that does not attract me at all...

Now, it makes me wonder? what are my types of a guy? its very contradicting, when I try to think about it. Since I'm a type of lady who would just hide inside the house and wouldn't care less to any guy or would not show interest at all. I used to like men who were: very attractive (super eye candy), generous one, tall & nice body...

now when I try to think of it... what do I like anyway?

is it:

• the smart ass boy who would always try to get wise with you?
• the charmer who would always tell you "your so beautiful today/ your so hot"
• the type of guy who would hold your hand to keep you near him
• the man who can look you in the eye and tell you directly he loves you?
• the type of man who can immediately tell your not okey or happy?
• who can appreciate your every effort instead of saying something negative
• someone who can kiss your palm or your forehead because he just feels like showing his affection
• a man who can hug you from behind and whisper in your ear how much he loves seeing you in that certain manner

and the list goes long...

its almost 1pm in manila, should I wait for him? or should I just run along? Million thoughts run close in my head, one is that its telling me to "leave, he's coming home... he might see you"

the type of conscience that tells you , you did something wrong and you should hide?

This is inevitable?

I feel like, I have sinned to miss someone that I used to have...

The fact that I do still love him, makes me a horrible person

How bad can this go?

I can't show how I feel, to the person whom I love?

I don't want to be the antagonist, thats why my one way route:

is to h.i.d.e

I feel that it pains him, if he'd find out that I still care for him..

That I still want him in my life, Seriously?

I'm doing great..

Hah! Yes, thats a fact.

how idiotically pathetic. lame. feeble.

Maybe I should go back to the apartment and continue reading my

Love story that continues to make me a "hopeful"

out of it.

Hypocrisy is so hard..

But like Blair says: Doing what is rightful takes courage..