seek and you will find

I was thinking a lot for the past couple of days, particularly about my life after my internship. How I'll be able to react with the change when I come back home. It seems too soon to be thinking about it

*yawn*

Currently: Incubus sound trip

I found a pink head phone at the kitchen last 2 nights ago, and its a keeper ;) haha! Now I don't have a reason to buy a headphone or whatever, though I would like to buy an IPod Shuffle; its not that expensive about 50-ish bucks. A lot of temptations yet I will not drive myself insane from this allurement, "Resistance is not yet futile"

• smoking
• drinking
• drugs
• sex
• clubbing

Those are still preventive, its not something I will further venture upon my system. Its a pretty fit stern discipline, I'm damn sure that I'll be able to complete this pact with or without prize at the end of the race. Winners will always be winners

[awh, my lips hurt!!! the sides of my lips hurts.. its like a sore and I couldn't eat properly plus my chafed hands due to washing of hands with hot & cold]

MY hands!! My used to be pulchritudinous handsss!!!

AHHH!!!

I am dumb-founded again, I feel brain dead! I just forgot what I'm about to write!!!!!!!!!

[currently singing "are you in"]

using the new pink earphones

-->  I got home pretty late today, around 12:51am because I had to close the kitchen with my friend.. :s and its 2:36am!! I neeed to crash! 

Its been so long since I've last wrote an entry here :( My head is so cramped; my thoughts are soooo occupied, and I am so unorganized!!! and I don't like the thought, I'm still stress!!! :]

how disturbing...

ciao~ 

p.s.
Its a full moon

fyi...

he dropped by again my apartment just to spread his wrath and irritation and childishness..

ugh.... =(

I am so confused!!!!
I want to kick his ass, the fact that I had to shave because he told me to... UGH!!

Though my legs now are smooth and silk like!!

Dang that guy!!!

CHINA!!!

-- irritated!! 

ciao!

ahhh whatta day!

AGH!!!

I was just surprised today, my agenda was supposed to be grocery & post office...

But then again, I was surprised.. 

I kept on playing in my head that I don't want to talk to him

and I'm not going to see him...

and I will not talk to him..

BUT!

When the bus pulled over at the corner of the post office 

I saw his silhouette and was sure that it was him..

So when he stepped up, 

unconsciously I patted the sit next to me

and there

he was..

and sat next to me

I told him that I was going to the grocery, and asked him to go with me to the grocery.. but his plans maneuvered my day... his agenda was to go shopping: to buy himself a pair of pants at CK and buy his mom a bag at Coach... well he failed to buy him the jeans and instead I bought myself a bra from CK.. =( buhu! I'm happy with the new bra, though I feel regretful for buying it. T_T

It was weird that it was only the two of us... uhm, sort of awkward but we didnt feel weird it was pretty mutual because we can look each other straight in the eye... though, I enjoyed yet I still uncomfortable hanging out and knows how he is.. and all... I still feel not so good at all. :(

Then I was saying inside my head  This is just great...

all my plans are just ruined?

=(

But still, I think I'm getting more irritated with him.. and will not like him...

This is just elementary, the fact that I think he just  see me as his sister / friendly girl friend...

ugh... please?

I don't like this.. 

devastated

another desolating feeling again....

not happy.
:[
I feel somewhat brokenhearted, but the fact that I shouldn't even be surprised..

For sure, I'm just going to forget about the extra feeling. I feel humiliated that I'm not going to get back something, the fact that I need to just forget and move on.. another memory eraser for me.

I'm just going to rote till' I get over it again.

Happy? Vday?

TODAY?
Is valentines, today was just a day.... a simple flat day?


Didn't feel the love much in the air, but when I opened my email inbox I was just overwhelmed and felt that I am loved same goes with my cellphone... people did reply to my valentines message. 


Plus my final contender is GOD: he sent me this message
All is going according to plan. Trust that there is a bigger picture. Trust that life is unfolding as it should.


I guess  I am pretty pleased with what I'm doing so far, the fact that I went to church and enjoyed the homily. Which the priest explained about "sacrifices" that in order for us to change,  we take in every sacrifices we can do.


St. Valentine was known for his sacrifices, though I'm not familiar with his stories... I bet God's message for today is for us to do our own Individual sacrifices our own willingly sacrifices. 


I may not be in-love  anymore, but I believe that in God's time I will soon fall in love and will be in love with someone. 


"God's personal chosen one for me" 


In time I will be in good hands, and a couple of my friends back at home just misses me and wants me to go back already. I miss my friends & family, I know that a couple of things have changed and it can't be replayed in order to fix it. 


(Sigh)


Sooner or later, I'll be able to figure out who I am and what this experience will give me.


Keep praying dear Princess....

waiting in vain

I am most patient at this perfect moment.

I woke up early this morning, and first thing I did was to go to the toilet and went back to my bed and picked up the bible and read through the scriptures that I didn't read the previous night. -_-) so shameful.

I finally have figured out my two persona,
one: multi faceted face of me, the chronic emptiness that they would mention of being too emotional.
second: the pretend happy approach, that everything will just be fine.

Truly, my disease has affected me inevitably. Or could it just be this "homesick syndrome"? If it is, what would I be coming home to when I get back to Manila? 
-friends?
-school?
-family?
-problems?

Highly a unlikable, to be going home when someone can't soothe my mild torments. Has my approach in life changed? very much...
I don't want to fall, I take it aback. 


My friends and I were late for our class at the mountain, I feel embarrass that we were late... All the bad luck were with us that morning the lift operation was just too stubborn and a big hindrance to the plan. So instead we went back to my friend's apartment and we hanged out there until quarter to 3 to catch another class. We chatted, we ate lunch [my korean girlfriend cooked some hot ramen for us] after eating our early lunch, I fell asleep at my friend's bed and the two peeps = david & julia were doing computer and my roomie went back to our apartment to take a siesta... I want to stop what my thoughts are pushing me.. :{ But I can feel it, its almost the end.


[I'm currently waiting for time again, my shift is at 5pm; and I agreed with Jon to exchange with my schedule... Internally I don't like the thought, but all I can do is be humble and agree. 
Its a bit cloudy outside, which means a light snow would be going down tonight, I feel sad that I'd be closing on my own tonight at the kitchen. I'm not really in favor in my working schedule, though I'm trying to ease up with it. 


Right now, I guess; I'll take a little nap and do some dreaming.. This rustic lifestyle up this mountains is pretty much not so ordinary but it really does soothe my aura. 


(I'll continue may be tonight or so, if I don't get lazy)

Mars is twinkling at me

So i look up at my window, and I see this very very small dot that is twinkling just straight me...


Isn't it amazing how God can cheer us up?


Its funny how this day went, it was a steady and unusual day. Wouldn't actually believe that I would be watching "Twilight" again... not to mention, whenever I watch that movie I would just fall madly in love with Edward's character... even if its very fictional, yet "a girl can still dream" 

• Attending employee party [Fail]
• Coloring my hair [Semi-Fail]
• Buying ice cream [Almost-Fail]
• Ignoring someone [Totally Failed]

I am really frustrated, I can't imagine how I will be able to function for the next few days... A little adjustment within my screws are definitely an option. 

This morning I watched some random incubus home videos at 

YouTube

and it was just hilarious 

and cute

and plain fun.

Its actually nice how you

can learn a lot from 

those random gags they do.

Honestly, I do miss having a boyfriend. I miss being able to care of someone I love. I know this situation is practically typical, yet after all I'm just a girl who just wants to find my very own half.

my own brand of heroine..

The fervor that I felt before, is just slowly fading away and I'm not sure how to stop it or to take control of it. Since I told myself that I will be letting it go slowly and soon. After this dream of mine, this temporary silence that I have kept myself; soon I will be facing my future [bites her lips and ponders]

What should lie ahead of me? success? failure? happiness? emptiness?

During day offs, I love giving myself a time off: take my usual pause and just lay on my bed and reflect on the things I should be preparing for. 

Thought on top of my head:

I'm scared

of being left behind.. of taking a new path.. of many things in short

Now 1 Corinthians 13 hits me hard, 

Clearly, I'm struggling with myself.

=[

purpose? what is the real purpose. 

what have I gained lately?

God's messages have been very strong lately, his communications and messages have been very powerful. 

I chose to choose to stay with His will, and in my mind and heart I shall continue. 

free fall?

Today, a good news has arrived for me. 

Me, as the 

employee of the month?

I hardly believed it at first, since I'm always a person of in denial and I guess I am a person who doesn't like praises- I prefer to be discreet and would just always hide from the truth. In reality, the person that I am from the start will still reign over the covered mask in front of me. Tomorrow is my day off, and I got enough hours for the week. Pretty much satisfied with it, yet I have failed to show the act of contentedness towards my roomie-- I don't want to be envious, instead I just want to be contented yet I have failed to show it. It is rather displeasing for me. :[ Should really pull up my act together...

Haven't talked to the folks and friends lately, only my sister... I miss her so much, I cherish her very much since we've always bonded and have had a bad days together. Yet the fact that we are blood sisters I still care for her. I always to talk to her, and I was relived to know she is in good hands and terms with her life.. She was the one who told me, I should cherish my moment.. Which I will, since I am very thankful of it. 

Never knew at all. 

:)

I've been trying to avoid David, and I dmn sure don't want to mess up his relationship and would rather not fall for him. I know his charms makes me adore him, its unethically wrong. First, I do not want to go for a person whom I think is simply adorable by just being himself.. ahh.. Whenever he sings and humms it soothes me, its like his simple random serenade which he addresses to no one yet hits me straight in the beats of my heart. Uncertainty envelopes me, I don't really know what I should like about him. Hypocrisy is just not my option, but soon I would get over it since I can't blurt it out.. =( I know I don't want to abandon my views about love, yet I am left with no choice or so to speak.

I guess, I'll have to be doomed not to like him- But I have an option: 

which is...

I would close my heart from any tempting feelings such as:

• finding something nice about the opposite sex
• gooey eyes & smile
• the almost attractive stance they do

I'm almost hopeless with this love thing, since-- over and over again I keep on telling myself I couldn't shouldn't can't wouldn't fall in love with someone. I'm not saying I'm falling in love, but free falling with someone is just nice... and when its reciprocated back its even better. 

I guess, I would just have to 

shun this feelings

totally ignore

My life will never be the same, the panoramic view that I would used to enjoy with my life has already vanquished together with my treasured memory. 

free falling?

would you dare yourself from letting someone catch you?

I would, I believed in my heart

God will catch me in his loving arms.

A verse to share: 

“[Thanksgiving and Prayer] We ought always to thank God for you, brothers, and rightly so, because your faith is growing more and more, and the love every one of you has for each other is increasing.”- 2 Thessalonians 1:3

healing or not?

as you can see, my burn is almost to the scabby and I don't like the mark that it will eventually leave. ugh. huhu
damn..

=(
imperfection,
sleepy...
feeling depress again,
a spontaneous mood swing is occurring at the moment.
Good thing I don't have a boyfriend, kkk~~~~

• I need my doze of ice cream 
• But I believe I need to lay low on the sweets
• I need to really really sleep early and control my } insomniac ness } 

Superbowl sunday.... Hopefully it wont drain me out, ugh. huhu

sleep sleep princess...

p.s.
I dreamed again of zombies, and yet again I am a slayer, hehe!

show me my edward :

So I hang out with David again and Julia, though Julia went to bed really early so again I went to stay at david's bed. I'm so bored that I'd prefer to fool around with him and laugh. We actually looked at the "Aman Resorts" and our favorite is in Utah "Amangiri" its a great grandeur #_#


Hah, he is cute but... not like. He is not very photogenic, but lately I'm able to take candid pictures of him that is actually cute. [good for him]




I like edward type

• almost to perfection
• smart, thoughtful 
• understands the person
• knows how to sympathize the girlfriend

=pya


I like Edward. :)

Show me the edward

kkk~ 

work sucks... I'm starting to feel weary and tired with the routine. wah~ im starting to visualize already when I work.... :(


When I get back to Manila, after my last semester at Enderun I'll do a part time job at Conti's.. Hopefully that will be exciting and helpful, as far as what I have gotten here in U.S. the speed, the styles and techniques they do in order to serve food quickly. :) The secret to "quick service restaurant" whew... I want to change outlets already...


yawn...
zzz...

simultaneous indeed...

its -13 degrees celsius outside, and I am freezing now inside my room. brr.. but I guess its because I'm wearing sleeveless. [lol] I went to Julia & David's apartment to eat dinner and we cooked carbonara; I basically taught Julia how to make.
We prepared:

• Carbonara
• Salad with vinaigrette, and orange slices (plus honey)
• Grilled pork chop

As always David enjoyed the food, he is such a kid. A perfect example of a pervert, he loves looking at breast; especially when I stay in his bed and we hang out he would look at girls picture and would just stare at breast. Good thing he doesn't say anything about me, or else I will kill him. (haha) Though he is adorable because he is so playful and thinks so reckless, though he has some downsides that I really don't like about him= One time he went to a porn site to show me something. ugh. perfect pervert.., but its cute whenever he listens to what I tell him. [hah] Awhile ago he told me to be friends with pretty girls so that I will be pretty- then he continued for me to be more pretty.

[HAH] Total dead \\ reaction, then awhile ago he told me I love you.. obviously it was a joke.. But according to julia [he never tells that to his girlfriend] haha! then he said again your so pretty pretty.. and I was just dumb founded that I ignored it.

Also he dropped by at work awhile ago, because he went to the H.R. to pick up something and I joked if he will wait for me; then he said "how long" -- yet again I was - o_o) He waited a good 30mins for me and we went home together, he didn't whine and he also accompanied me at the H.R. to pick up my SS card. [too good to be true?]

No malice intended, pure goodwill

or not?

But I'm pretty sure, I don't like him..

maybe I fancy him, a little bit.

But nonetheless he is a big turn off, whenever he talks about

other girls

the fact that he has a girlfriend.

I am currently enjoying the quiet surrounding, NO TV no Jon.. just pure lone time :) 

I also realized that, "I do not have a chance with him anymore" -- I'm starting to think pessimist about it. At the end of this road, its either I win or loose without getting any prize anymore. 

My batch of cards seems to suck, do I just wholeheartedly give up and take defeat and retreat for cover? I guess, it has long been decided? I have lost from start to finish.. [Nevertheless, my purity will not be given up easily]

I cut my finger for the first time, and its quite a slash with a sort of deep cut (it can actually talk) I know its sounds disgusting, but its honestly true. Haha!! 

Its very amusing whenever I'm playful, though now I'm very tempted though I don't really want to go for it. Since someone will get mad at me :p 

Sooo. awhile ago, the guy I sort of dig was driving the green route.. and STILL.. he still looks like a "guy next door" ugh.. hmm, hopefully I could meet him. :[ The blonde guy doesn't seem to entice me anymore. :p I'm going for the brown haired one :p

BUT!!! Someone else still reigns over them. ehem ehem.. lets not forget about him. :)) haha! 

Interesting, so I lost my payslip receipts today and plainly sucks... should have placed it at the locker. Good thing its direct deposit, uh.. (huhu) now I have to ask the H.R. for a big favor of printing at the receipts of my pay checks for record purpose. Buhu~~~~

so God told me this today:

God loves you with the very air you breath, the very light that touches your skin, the very ground that supports you. Love is everywhere, - melt your barriers, and you will have love in abundance.

My head is pumping extra blood again, everyday I would go home to my apartment and a sudden rush of headache will just hit me. (either because of: horrid smell from neighbors, imbalance sudden change of temperature)

Pretty deng exhausted.. seriously..


I need ice cream at the moment,
a little of licking of ice cream would be nice. [yum yum]

• ice cream will change everything
• every lick will change everything
• sweet irresistible goodness
• savour the sleek 
• salivating at the moment

Would definitely need to buy ice cream soon. Pretty soon.

I'm going now.

I'll be reading my devotions in awhile. :)

P.S.

I finished the book already, not a good ending.. (cliff hanger) hate those kind of ending.

[wants an amazon kindle soon]

P.P.S.

I went snowboarding today again, with Julia. XD and conquered some mountain trails, it was quite overwhelming and my knees and thighs hurts the most at the moment. :D Pretty satisfied with my performance today.

Incapacitated by the Truth

incapacitated:
oh babe. I am so going crazy.

I'm thinking of going skiing tomorrow, if I wont get a slot for ski school I'll go snowboard. :)

You have to see this burn: it has gone worst!

Try to view my previous post and check my first burn (preview)

don't you love my title? 
which is true, and I just don't feel happy. I'm about to finish my book, and I want an amazon kindle soon. :D I am so tempted to buy a new book again. ugh.

I'm sleepy, have to wake up early tomorrow,

and I want to finish the book now.

Tata~

gotta bounce now.

change in the hope of changing

I'll stop pretending for awhile, I will try to be honest and true: one thing for sure.. I have not conquered my over sensitivity. Everyday I pray to the Lord that I could be healed with my my own cancer, its been an epidemic and it has swallowed a number of victim with it. 

Truly I am mortified.. 

I feel that I am indebted with this ordeal, terrify potential companions with it. I just feel a shame with it, they think of me as someone else [weird, abnormal, unattractive] when they have finally see through me they start flying away. As soon as they have finally figured me out, they go straight out the door and run, and give a reason for leaving..

Obnoxious

Though the fact that I am faced with the statement "I shouldn't care less" -- as if I am doomed with not even applying how I felt. Its either I piss off or they would have to leave the room without saying anything. I'm actually hard to be figured out, its slightly on purpose but it gives a certain thrill when somebody would dare to initiate to un puzzle you out. Then when all my defenses are done and disarmed, thats the time I get attacked and get a hit really big..

I hate being compared to, especially when someone starts giving me a stereotype already... Thats why now preferably I show 4 different spaces when I'm in front of the audience.  I would show them 4 different persona, in which it will be harder for me to be tackled and be unzipped from the whole casing of being.

I want to tell myself I want to quit, on the other hand: I prefer to be safe. To be the wall flower and be not tackled and scavenged for.. Not now.. not today or the following day. Instead, preferably when my true love finally finds me successfully.. I would be so grateful of it.

I'm feeling tired and sleepy: and I look like this; 

p.s.

Im almost done with the book, best believe I can finish it in one seating now... Albeit I feel like sleeping now and just napping and drift away.

laters..