Honesty is the first chapter in the book of wisdom. Thomas Jefferson 


I guess life gets complicated when we think of it as something complicated? I can't stop thinking about my future, every time my mind goes idle.. it instantly goes to this other page about my "Future".. Its pretty frustrating that I'm so fixated about my future. 


[currently listening to a ballad song]
The song has very strong emotions.. 


What should I do in order to avoid this thoughts again? Why do I always need an escape pod? 
should I:

• read a book?
• exercise?
• bake a muffin?
• sleep?
• initiate a conversation with friends?
• do the photo album project?

-> I miss someone singing me love songs... I do actually miss someone in particular, even though he sings randomly.. but his voice is pretty sweet in the ears, ahh.. here I go again?

random:
I like being malandi... I don't know why, but I don't really show it publicly that I enjoy doing it. But I'm planning to remake myself when I go back to manila ;)


oh: here's a photo I randomly saw of Nickhun

he is one good piece of meat :D 

nom nom.... I saw his body in one of his picture....

Why o why... 

haha!

seriously he is one irresistible good looking man? 

I read his bio earlier... and woah, he has gone a long way... multi-talented.

Oppp oppp... stop right there Lyleee....

back to reality?

Its actually hard to try to avoid temptation, but Hey! Look at me, I'm "almost" at the end of my race?.......

psh... 

my sweet decadent lover is waiting for me back in Manila...... Whoever you are!!! I hope its not... [murmurs to herself]

am... sleepy, yet its only 9:26pm in Denver... if its Keystone it might be like 7pm? haha!!! but here in East coast its 11:26pm... I hope I wont have nasty dreams again. I hate it when he goes to my dream? Come on... he is long gone? and he already moved on and has forgotten about me.. What gives?

Ciao bella 

Okey okey here's the deal... I can't seem to get over the fantasy of being treated as a "princess" a couple of hours ago I was at my cousin's house and I couldn't just get over the fact that his Husband "Dan" is just so sweet with her. I know physical attraction doesn't count as a factor (as others put it) he was just like a "koala" and I was so envious that I just hid it inside the realms of my colorful mask.

Yes, I do admit that I miss being treated like a princess.... I remembered Sang Woo, a friend of mine. We went shopping that day and I had a shopping bag, then I just told him to carry it... And he was like, "Are you a princess?" and I instantly answered him "Yes" and so he just took it and he was cursing in Korean but he still carried it. [Pretty sweet actually] -damn I couldn't get it out my system anymore TT_TT

I'm listening to Phoenix right now at the radio, I am so enjoying the mood of this beautiful house right now. The quiet & peaceful ambiance, I feel so independent here and I have a wide space all just for me... but my other relatives are arriving in days... I'm sort of disappointed but what the hell... I can't have everything I want, right? 

n'est il pas ce droit?

Going back... I miss having a leech for a boyfriend... oh wait, let me rephrase that, I miss having a leech type boyfriend. But hey? Come on, I shouldn't even be thinking about this again.... (frukc)

Tomorrow will be exciting, I'll be meeting with my old friend Kaye; the last time I saw her was her 20th birthday of last year. :)

Oh btw, I went to New York today... I stayed at my aunt's apartment and surfed the internet-- took a nap and went with my cousin at her place a couple of blocks from that apartment... Ate yummy steak & broccoli sprouts and some salad. Then after dinner, my aunt called already and told me to go back at the apartment already, so after dinner I bid my cousin good bye & thanked her for the delish dinner. Then went on my way, at first I was like just walking and just went on whatever street... then my right ankle started to get hurt [because I was speed walking trying to make a New Yorker pace] haha how ridiculous?

After I packed up my laptop and camera we left the apartment and started walking to Grand Central to catch the train going back to Stamford. Uhh... we were so lucky that we were able to catch the 9:07 train, as soon as we got inside we passed by like 3-4 cars because she didn't want to stay in a noisy car and etc... So we ended up sitting with this young man something like may be 19 to 20 ish, looked like a Lifty from Keystone, same get up & all. [How I miss Keystone already]  I felt that he was eying me from his peripheral gaze and also through the window (I mean come on he was looking outside, but it was so dark and couldn't even see anything because the train was too fast) Anyways, I guess he didn't talk with me because I was with my aunt... I was actually thinking of offering him a gum.. but my aunt was there... plus it seem awkward. [haha] lame, good thing I didn't do it.

voir, I'm going to crash already... Need to get up early... may be to run some errand or something?

ciao bella

Do you save yourself before saving others?

Ice cream doesn't seem to help me anymore, it doesn't take a way my emptiness anymore. I think I need to seek help, and I believe I'm ready to go to a psychiatrist. I don't want this hole to eat me alive...
(My head just suddenly start to spin)

Sooner or later, I need to find the right outlet for my depressive state... I'm really scared truly, I'm scared to be alone and to live my life not being loved my someone.

What can life offer to me while I work hard in surviving one? Its driving me nuts. I was temporarily stripped off from the people and things I love to work hard and earn hard and fulfill my lifetime experience that will change my perspective towards the holistic sense of living in one. Material things are temporary yet we work hard in achieving to buy or get them.

I think my life just suddenly sank... it sank in a point wherein, I believe

• my future
• my family
• my friends

Can't it just be simple? Why is life eating me alive, how can it be 

"Save"

I was telling my aunt early since we had a talk, as soon as my internship ended: I had to plan ahead already for my future. Every single day that has passed, my life will just continue and I will continue to grow older... My short term & my long term goals should still be polished and be set into place.

But now, where am I? Who am I going to be when I go back to my country? Will I be a snobbish person who would not look back on what had brought me to my current state? 

Is patriotism erased in my vocabulary already? Is it the end of my state of peace? It seems like I have a lot of questions inside my head that I couldn't even figure out anymore. In the first place, why is the word "satisfied" even existed if almost everybody wants to always excel and out do the last job. Life gets even more complicated while you continue living in one, I'm torn in between whether to pursue a job that I'm based outside the country where I was born. 

I feel that I need someone already, I badly need someone whom I could talk to with this queries that is bothering me. But in the end, they say that "Your the only one who can help save yourself" 

Why is reality check always keeps on knocking my happiness down... Is there a person who is happy in this world? 

But I do know one thing: I believe deep within my heart, that there is a God. The Almighty one who stays with us and whom He will not let us bring us down. All the riches in the world will not give you happiness, a problematic person is unhappy because he can not have what he "wants". 

I've recently reflected on myself that in life we should not buy things unless we really "need" it, if you can survive your life without having that certain "thing" it means you don't need it. Sometimes I want to ask the Almighty one, why he structured a man's life truly complicated. A lot of aspects in life should be put into factor that "this can not work properly" because of this and that....

[I looked out at the window, and I see drops on rain sliding off the window. The sky is crying yet again.... after almost 5 months, this is the only time again that I saw rain]

I want to be honest will myself, I'm scared... truly and sincerely

I'm scared, whats next in my life? What should I do now already? Its hard to figure out whats going to be next in my life. Have I fully changed already? (took a deep breath)

[Its cold in my aunt's house, I'm at her entertainment room]

Now, I'm left by myself again, getting fixated on how I'll run my life after this trip... The question stuck in my head now is:

how should I face reality when I come back?

1. My temporary escape has come to an end
2. As I arrive: how do I deal with other peoples questions?
3. Should I continue to progress while others are stuck in regression
4. I do not want reality to eat me alive

Dear God,

I believe that you exist, being a human down in earth is very complicated. A lot of sacrifices are made, too much heart ache and temporary joy are gambled. I will pray so hard for grace, Lord God I pray that I will find the right answers through you.

Finally

I'm already in Denver, I haven't checked some stuffs lately... due to being placed in a townhouse with my other 3 friends; but the 2 left already so we moved in again at the main house. My two korean friends already left yesterday morning, and I feel pretty sad about it...

:[ I've really learned how to let go... and thanks to those two peeps, letting go and detaching myself with something you think you wont be able to let go? Did I even made sense?

For the past two days; I've been driving around here in Denver and --- my driving skills are still good and not bad at all? :)) Plus, it was my first time to pump gas :p check this picture:

I miss Julia & David already...

I'm sleepy... I think I'm not making any sense anymore... :[ flying out this thursday for NY; can't wait to see my old friend and my aunt plus my mom & brother in 1 week... :]

ciao bella~

4 days left- Good Bye Keystone

I guess I should feel euphoric right now, since this internship will be over and my hardship will be over pretty pretty soon.

The experience I got here changed a lot in my personal holistic point of view, I can't find the proper words to explain how I feel right now.

But I'm pretty sure, Its MIXED Emotions.

"Moving in takes time, now moving out seems even harder"

I took this pictures just a couple of minutes ago, and now as you can see the stuffs are almost empty again a big hole is being placed in my heart again.

Now, a new chapter has closed again in my life. I feel sad, truly.

So where do I start again in my life? Everything seems to be like a scrambled eggs again. Where did I last stop? Right now, I just can't wait to be with my mom and a good old friend of mine. 

At night, I would dream of this random events and people that would just simply play inside the realms of my fake-world. But eventually I would just wake myself up, because I chose not to believe in nothing of it at all.

P.S.

Never give up, do not lose hope yet do not keep your hopes to high

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.
Buddha