I'm about to just type my entry and suddenly I yawned and got teary eyed. Both my limbs are getting worst, and they are really getting soar now... I want to cry but instead I prefer to pray and sleep it off, right at this moment one of my closest college friend is on labor, I guess its sort of "advance" that she's about to push out the baby since according to her the estimated delivery is 27th. a week and 2 days ahead of schedule. Isn't it nice?

People giving new life, this little thing that grows inside of you... right now I can't still picture it clearly; how it will eventually happen to me. Whats inside my head is just: school, balance friends and family, party/ socializing and God.

Yesterday was just unexpected, the Black out and Typhoon...
I felt more empty and strange, but I had a couple of textmates that night of the black out till day..

I guess I should sleep...
I'm not making any sense inside my head.

ciao

I really want to stop thinking about you, I swear... I still feel like this walking zombie, as far as I know I'm here but my presence feels so empty..

I've been meditating for days now, and still I haven't found the answer to this questions... I thought that letting go of things would actually help me: but it was a wrong judgement instead they were misinterpreted actions. I don't want to be selfish anymore, I want to take a new leap in my life.

But I feel so scared, scared about God and how he will judge me on what I will do. 

One of my close friend told me: if I'm ready to serve the Lord I should be able to let go of whatever I have;

what am I doing?

I've detached myself from using much of the computer: YM, Facebook etc. My cellphone now is purely for communication with my colleagues and friends, using the car is more like my transportation to school- house and vice versa, I don't demand for attention anymore, I keep a quiet and still life, I do not shop or ask money... etc 

I need to talk to someone, I feel that I'm willing to change now... but here I am, Lost and empty no one to direct me, except God. 

I got a message from him and it felt really strong and bold and it was: 

" I am the good sheperd" John 10:11

at the end, the quick prayer was "Loving God, help me to be better, more faithful sheep. Amen"

:c I'm so confused... I'm starting to hate myself more and more...

(screams inside her head while closing her eyes)

I enjoyed dinner tonight, it was my mom's birthday celebration, I had a Pan Fried Sole with buerre rouge *very french*. I bet she's happy that my dad is still here for her birthday and that surely made her day. I'm feeling this short tension and its just sad that my dad is having problems getting his passport back from the Canadian Embassy and he can't leave the country and all the bad things are laid out. Were quite freaked and still hoping that he can still make it, if not... it will be a problem... I guess God wants to send us a message regarding this event in our life... One is: patterns can be broken, second: plan ahead of time, in which procrastination is just not right..
(took out her earplugs and checked cellphone)

I feel quite sad, I know I have a happy family and well supported needs.. but when you really think about it- it gets tougher when you know your just alone in this battle.

Right at this moment, I feel that God wants me to feel alone right now

to keep myself from not doing any bad nuisances. 

{takes a deep breath}

When you think you've already stopped yourself

from being engulfed by life...

A series of events, what is universally acknowledge as the "uniform process"

I feel so sleepy and tired... 

Dear God,

I know that you are still and will be the only one who can guide me through this path, Lord God give me the grace and wisdom to understand you every passing day that I will be living upon. You are and will be the only being who can Judge me and who can Judge other people. I love you so much God!

ciao

My friends wisdoms are just too contradicting... I want to slice my self into halves-- just to garner both my goals: I'm still lost.. and preferably I'd want to be found sooner or later. 

I've slightly revised my plans for this school year; which is after this last semester of school I will be attending either Makati Shangri La or Intercontinental Hotel and thats is final. 

Then again.. I've lost track again..

what department should I work for?

Am I ready to really enslave myself and be an underdog for some people inside the kitchen?

I saw bessie today, she sort of made half of my day.. aside from talking to mika wherein she told me that may be "I'm just bored" and I need to do a "list" wherein I can keep myself busy from getting bored. Then my other friend contradicted; she told me not to "over plan" my life... and Now I feel discouraged, she would even joke to me that I should not be materialistic. It was quite silly, I just admitted to both my girls that I'm planning to save up for a "porsche" and thats really one of my goals now  in life. [now I feel childish] 

:[ I feel so down.. my spirit level is just so bland and tasteless, my energy seems to be stale like a warm beer. I miss someone, my sister just spitted out spontaneously thought that  I should have a goal to have a boyfriend by the end of my last semester... Whats with the pressure, its too much tension and I feel that I wouldn't want to force any issues!!! I just remembered, that Bessie asked me about mr.him and I-- and instantly I sort of lied... or I guess its true... told her we don't talk [because its so damn true] 

Now I wonder, what would happen to my life if I get pregnant at the age of 22? Hopeless--- total H lees

sleepy... I'd bayonet myself to sleep.. {too much anger} 

Dear God,

Please continue to guide me...

I miss the ambiance of Peace and serenity... I'd usually feel this with somebody, secured and loved. -all is a flop a big fat lie.

I placed ear plugs in my drums to conceal noise in my surrounding

*disclaimer: sad and melancholic aura*


I cant believe its my 170th post for this blog, spending valuable time just to type my inner self in cyberspace for all the world to see and read.

I feel so confused lately, often times things just don't match anymore... its like an old house trying to be strong even if the foundation is weakening and in order to fix it up the facade just keeps on changing but the foundation slowly dilapidates. It slowly depresses me that I just keep on failing, even if I try still I'm not successful.. my door is knob less, nobody can seem to enter, like of the great wall of china- impenetrable. Instead of being self less I act as somebody selfish... like of a ice, cold and frozen. I'm reflecting upon myself again, my guess is that its because I just finished my period. I usually think of myself as somebody who does not care what others think of me, at the same time that I do not need to take notice of their existence.

I don't trust myself anymore, I do not trust me at all...

I have low tolerance for patience and concentration.. Only if I can revoke my whole being, I would... but all I can do is to accept and accept..

acceptance is the new key to victory

I don't know, I want to just give up to stop hurting the people I thought I was giving care to...

family, friends, work and future relationships.. personal battles..

Dear God,

I feel so empty, I pray that you will fill me with your love and grace.

ciao

I feel so unwanted... its strange but I feel inside me that its true. Not all people can understand me, not all people would even mind to try to understand me. I


ts very unnecessary that I try to be selfish, or even act one... I am really destroying my whole self now.. and by doing so, I prefer to detach myself to my love ones. Often times now, I feel emotionless as if pain, sorrow, happiness doesn't really exist anymore. I didn't want to believe it at first, eventually it be came stronger and more powerful. 


My anger is still fiery and can still cause whip lash to other people. I've terminated patience in my system, which is why I find myself very pitiful as if I'm hopeless... 

Still when I needed a friend to talk or call onto, still a few people would response and those are the special ones. God still stands by me, and I am grateful even if He doesn't directly talk to me, I
 know inside myself that I'm repetitive and that small details still cause a dime. I feel so out of myself lately, I'm so confused that I don't know what I like and not like anymore. I felt that God whispered to me that I need to put Him in the center of my life, but with this kind of luck and unfortified faith.. The devil still tries to lure me every time, the most recent trap it caused me is that I have caused pain to someone, nonetheless I knew it was gone and I've already accepted my destiny.. I felt so hurt that I placed turmoil on somebody else.. I

 felt at the moment to just stab myself directly to the gut for an instant kill.. 

God, got mad at me.. I'm confused-- I hate myself, but God didn't want me to hate myself but instead He wants me to accept and to ask for forgiveness.. I can't remember if I accounted myself as somebody perfect at all [I hate myself] I had a lot of questions and those questions always hindered me from wanting to know why it happen or how come.. 

Both my membranes are just so tired and wants to give up, a little of tears run down without emotions being painted.. and now my eyes are growing tired its way way pass my bed time.. and I only have one answer left in my head: silence myself

ciao