I'm thinking, if your really in love with the person little things still matter to you, correct? What more are the bigger things? Why do we like to contradict one's opinion, why do we prefer to take stand instead of laying down the sword and take defeat in the battle. In love, what is really correct? To be overly secure or to be insecure? We ourselves make it more complicated, the issue with Love is easy. "Love and be loved" we tend to misinterpret one's opinion if the real answer to 1+1= 2 we now then ask "why two is the answers, and then we baffle ourselves to another theory that why not 3 or 4" at the end of the day, "Love is all the matter, faithful and forever" I remembered my friend he taught his 5 year old niece with this love song lyrics. May be I'm not ready for the thing called love, but I am ready to Love God and give my whole heart to Him because I know He won't hurt me. There are still so much that I need to know and comprehend in this child like head of mine. By break of day, "Love makes the world go round" Thank you God for this wonderful day, you have given me the oppurtunity to read about some stuffs that I now have better understanding. Ciao amour.

So here I am, back in the game! What do you know? I'm starting again I just finished another part of my life again, would you believe that? Its actually kind of scary now, your more prone to be coming one of the "bums" which I don't really want to be at the moment. :c I feel so lost, I left my laptop at my friend's place and its almost a week now. Poor baby not being used for a week. I was online in YM earlier and I saw my ex was online, though I was online I'm not sure if he noticed me or so; but it didn't matter to me much any more. His status was this I don't know whatever he's trying to talk about, but I've noticed that his more showy now compared to before. Bullocks! Who gives a damn, I'm just an observer if you may. Nonetheless, I cross my heart: I have no feelings for him any longer. :D I'm happy God took him off my head now, just a part of the past and nothing of concern. I'm still continuing to have those weird dreams, those perplex dreams that even I can't even fathom what irregular whatever they are "arbitrary mind fck" sorry, I'm just starting to feel uninterested in my dreams. The fact that they make me more tired when I wake up makes it even worst? On a regular basis, I pray before going to sleep, I enjoy talking to God the fact that He's just there and will tirelessly listen to your every whine and idea. Isn't He just the best :) Dear Lord, I love you so much and I am thankful for each passing day that you have given me, it is truly a blessing! Ciao amis

I can't believe this, but I'm already done with school (almost) knowing that I passed two of the subjects I've been dreading upon! God is so great that He has again gave me salvation. I am so thankful of his Love for me. As a result my excitement made me feel like wanting to kiss a man so passionately as a sign of victory. But then again, that's just a pigment of my imagination. I've finished almsot 5 books in less than quarter of a month, I've more to read before I can find a decent job. Plus the search of my "purpose in life". Which both my friend and my "fellowship email adviser" have instructed me to talk to God and ask Him what He really wants for me. And another sigh just escape my mouth.. Its been two months since my last blog, I feel terrible to be not able to write about my feelings again, but then again thank you twitter :D Guess tomorrow is truly a mystery, I miss my friend Hilary from colorado, she was one good american friend. (Sigh) I'm going to stop from here, and hopefully I'll be able to log in tomorrow or whatever. Later!

Am I trying to hard to overcome this battle? I've been procrastinating, its been 3months ever since I've arrived home. I haven't blogged for almost two months... I feel so lost and overwhelmed, majority of the places I've visited has left a memory from the past.

Deep inside me, I know I feel better. More relaxed and probably more eased compared to before, I feel like I'm haunting myself with this random flashbacks... All of a sudden, my dreams feel like there crashing down and being flush down the drain.

I had a plan, a plan to write a Letter for my future husband, stating random facts about whats happening to my darkest time. I've finished two books over the course of two weeks, and I've been dilly dallying too. I've been forgetting some details too lately... :c I feel anxious that I'm losing touch of my good memory.

--My laptop too is almost giving up on me..

I need to crash.. time is too limited for me to recap the recent events in my life...

I need to focus, but probably I am trying too much that I'm losing grip on to what I should do first..

I'm about to just type my entry and suddenly I yawned and got teary eyed. Both my limbs are getting worst, and they are really getting soar now... I want to cry but instead I prefer to pray and sleep it off, right at this moment one of my closest college friend is on labor, I guess its sort of "advance" that she's about to push out the baby since according to her the estimated delivery is 27th. a week and 2 days ahead of schedule. Isn't it nice?

People giving new life, this little thing that grows inside of you... right now I can't still picture it clearly; how it will eventually happen to me. Whats inside my head is just: school, balance friends and family, party/ socializing and God.

Yesterday was just unexpected, the Black out and Typhoon...
I felt more empty and strange, but I had a couple of textmates that night of the black out till day..

I guess I should sleep...
I'm not making any sense inside my head.

ciao

I really want to stop thinking about you, I swear... I still feel like this walking zombie, as far as I know I'm here but my presence feels so empty..

I've been meditating for days now, and still I haven't found the answer to this questions... I thought that letting go of things would actually help me: but it was a wrong judgement instead they were misinterpreted actions. I don't want to be selfish anymore, I want to take a new leap in my life.

But I feel so scared, scared about God and how he will judge me on what I will do. 

One of my close friend told me: if I'm ready to serve the Lord I should be able to let go of whatever I have;

what am I doing?

I've detached myself from using much of the computer: YM, Facebook etc. My cellphone now is purely for communication with my colleagues and friends, using the car is more like my transportation to school- house and vice versa, I don't demand for attention anymore, I keep a quiet and still life, I do not shop or ask money... etc 

I need to talk to someone, I feel that I'm willing to change now... but here I am, Lost and empty no one to direct me, except God. 

I got a message from him and it felt really strong and bold and it was: 

" I am the good sheperd" John 10:11

at the end, the quick prayer was "Loving God, help me to be better, more faithful sheep. Amen"

:c I'm so confused... I'm starting to hate myself more and more...

(screams inside her head while closing her eyes)

I enjoyed dinner tonight, it was my mom's birthday celebration, I had a Pan Fried Sole with buerre rouge *very french*. I bet she's happy that my dad is still here for her birthday and that surely made her day. I'm feeling this short tension and its just sad that my dad is having problems getting his passport back from the Canadian Embassy and he can't leave the country and all the bad things are laid out. Were quite freaked and still hoping that he can still make it, if not... it will be a problem... I guess God wants to send us a message regarding this event in our life... One is: patterns can be broken, second: plan ahead of time, in which procrastination is just not right..
(took out her earplugs and checked cellphone)

I feel quite sad, I know I have a happy family and well supported needs.. but when you really think about it- it gets tougher when you know your just alone in this battle.

Right at this moment, I feel that God wants me to feel alone right now

to keep myself from not doing any bad nuisances. 

{takes a deep breath}

When you think you've already stopped yourself

from being engulfed by life...

A series of events, what is universally acknowledge as the "uniform process"

I feel so sleepy and tired... 

Dear God,

I know that you are still and will be the only one who can guide me through this path, Lord God give me the grace and wisdom to understand you every passing day that I will be living upon. You are and will be the only being who can Judge me and who can Judge other people. I love you so much God!

ciao

My friends wisdoms are just too contradicting... I want to slice my self into halves-- just to garner both my goals: I'm still lost.. and preferably I'd want to be found sooner or later. 

I've slightly revised my plans for this school year; which is after this last semester of school I will be attending either Makati Shangri La or Intercontinental Hotel and thats is final. 

Then again.. I've lost track again..

what department should I work for?

Am I ready to really enslave myself and be an underdog for some people inside the kitchen?

I saw bessie today, she sort of made half of my day.. aside from talking to mika wherein she told me that may be "I'm just bored" and I need to do a "list" wherein I can keep myself busy from getting bored. Then my other friend contradicted; she told me not to "over plan" my life... and Now I feel discouraged, she would even joke to me that I should not be materialistic. It was quite silly, I just admitted to both my girls that I'm planning to save up for a "porsche" and thats really one of my goals now  in life. [now I feel childish] 

:[ I feel so down.. my spirit level is just so bland and tasteless, my energy seems to be stale like a warm beer. I miss someone, my sister just spitted out spontaneously thought that  I should have a goal to have a boyfriend by the end of my last semester... Whats with the pressure, its too much tension and I feel that I wouldn't want to force any issues!!! I just remembered, that Bessie asked me about mr.him and I-- and instantly I sort of lied... or I guess its true... told her we don't talk [because its so damn true] 

Now I wonder, what would happen to my life if I get pregnant at the age of 22? Hopeless--- total H lees

sleepy... I'd bayonet myself to sleep.. {too much anger} 

Dear God,

Please continue to guide me...

I miss the ambiance of Peace and serenity... I'd usually feel this with somebody, secured and loved. -all is a flop a big fat lie.

I placed ear plugs in my drums to conceal noise in my surrounding

*disclaimer: sad and melancholic aura*


I cant believe its my 170th post for this blog, spending valuable time just to type my inner self in cyberspace for all the world to see and read.

I feel so confused lately, often times things just don't match anymore... its like an old house trying to be strong even if the foundation is weakening and in order to fix it up the facade just keeps on changing but the foundation slowly dilapidates. It slowly depresses me that I just keep on failing, even if I try still I'm not successful.. my door is knob less, nobody can seem to enter, like of the great wall of china- impenetrable. Instead of being self less I act as somebody selfish... like of a ice, cold and frozen. I'm reflecting upon myself again, my guess is that its because I just finished my period. I usually think of myself as somebody who does not care what others think of me, at the same time that I do not need to take notice of their existence.

I don't trust myself anymore, I do not trust me at all...

I have low tolerance for patience and concentration.. Only if I can revoke my whole being, I would... but all I can do is to accept and accept..

acceptance is the new key to victory

I don't know, I want to just give up to stop hurting the people I thought I was giving care to...

family, friends, work and future relationships.. personal battles..

Dear God,

I feel so empty, I pray that you will fill me with your love and grace.

ciao

I feel so unwanted... its strange but I feel inside me that its true. Not all people can understand me, not all people would even mind to try to understand me. I


ts very unnecessary that I try to be selfish, or even act one... I am really destroying my whole self now.. and by doing so, I prefer to detach myself to my love ones. Often times now, I feel emotionless as if pain, sorrow, happiness doesn't really exist anymore. I didn't want to believe it at first, eventually it be came stronger and more powerful. 


My anger is still fiery and can still cause whip lash to other people. I've terminated patience in my system, which is why I find myself very pitiful as if I'm hopeless... 

Still when I needed a friend to talk or call onto, still a few people would response and those are the special ones. God still stands by me, and I am grateful even if He doesn't directly talk to me, I
 know inside myself that I'm repetitive and that small details still cause a dime. I feel so out of myself lately, I'm so confused that I don't know what I like and not like anymore. I felt that God whispered to me that I need to put Him in the center of my life, but with this kind of luck and unfortified faith.. The devil still tries to lure me every time, the most recent trap it caused me is that I have caused pain to someone, nonetheless I knew it was gone and I've already accepted my destiny.. I felt so hurt that I placed turmoil on somebody else.. I

 felt at the moment to just stab myself directly to the gut for an instant kill.. 

God, got mad at me.. I'm confused-- I hate myself, but God didn't want me to hate myself but instead He wants me to accept and to ask for forgiveness.. I can't remember if I accounted myself as somebody perfect at all [I hate myself] I had a lot of questions and those questions always hindered me from wanting to know why it happen or how come.. 

Both my membranes are just so tired and wants to give up, a little of tears run down without emotions being painted.. and now my eyes are growing tired its way way pass my bed time.. and I only have one answer left in my head: silence myself

ciao

I ask myself why I get so moody and tempermental, I hate myself for it. It disgust me to realize who I am, total whip lash and brutality is just pasted upon me.. As if I wasn'st cursed enough.. A couple of minutes ago, I talked to my close friend and we just quickly talked and updated each other..

Through the course of time, I reflected upon the observations and learnings I have acquired. Its quite direct and awkward, but rather I feel this sense that I am slowly getting more mature. Highly noticeable since two of my friends has already agreed.

I'm using my blackberry again, I close my eyes and I couldn't agree more to the image inside my head "a white haired granny who scratches her head while she closed her eyes" Its impressive, mature? Hopefuly I can dig me some witty prospect: maybe a Doctor?

 Ciao Bella

What can I contribute to human society, aside from being a part of the whole ecosytem? I ask myself everytime how can I discover my self better, will I be stuck in this state. Rather I dwell upon this irrelevant thoughts, thinking they give entertainment in one's self. I believe that I'm contended with just being the low and self centered individual since causing pain to others brings joy to my life.. Yet I beg to fight the demons inside of me. Which resulted to self isolation and boredom. More time to think over issues, I can't believe how classical music calms me down. Problems, troubles, hurdles.. Just a couple of months to go and I'm off this neat place again, God I will continue to abdide by your ways. I know that with your great power nothing will be impossible. Ciao bella

Planning ahead:

target location after graduation, since I'm wild and free from anything. I'm planning to take my third internship.

• K.L. Le Meridien
• Amanpulo, Pamalican Island
• Somewhere in Australia

I'm over working my head again, and I'm planning to either work or just do another internship again for experience. The more the merrier, more diversion and clearing of head...

• Makati Shangri La
• Makati Intercon

I hope I'll be able to find another person, whom I can talk to...

just now, my sister is fighting over the phone with her boyfriend... 

bad old days..

ciao bella

p.s.

Eclipse is near!! exciting! 

I'm doing my blogging via my blackberry, it feels so posh and updated. I just feel so lazy right now that I have been letting go of a lot of things nowadays, for starters: No facebook No YM No laptop No cellphones No cameras No psp What have I be come to now? I'm technically and literally detaching my self from the whole matrix. As you can see, now I'm blogging in my BB I saw an old email, I browsed through it and read it.. I feel so mean that I truthfully believe now that its because of me. I'm the problem, I'm like a pest.. Now that I have touched on this reality, I can no longer shook the thought. I suck, I see no worth in me.. I know God will get mad at me as soon as I finish doing this entry. Wht 500 days of summer? Why have you shown me reality yet again. I'm so happy that, I have only one class tomorrow. More time for thinking!! Mood swing, incoming Berserk mode

somewhere around the world their is a right man for every girl....

What a legendary quote to be shared, I'm currently watching a TCM and this really classical movie by Gene Kelly. I adore this type of movies, the dancing and singing.

Classes has just recently started, everything seems to be abnormally normal; everything fits perfectly into the puzzle piece. Yet its so disturbing, a big part of the picture continues to lack... Again this morning, I had a terrible dream... I almost cried, but instead I just prayed soon after I awoke from sleep. I talked to God continuously as I calmed down.

I just closed the TV. I feel like a half empty glass...

Today feels like a disaster that just be came a miracle and still made its way as a pretty normal day; nonetheless even if that event happen it turned out to be something I can again keep as an experience. Now I'm starting to bore myself, the fact that I'm yawning...

This afternoon, I was telling myself how I can repay my parents back... since their starting to ask for refunds and would want them to pay them back... I feel so abandoned.. as if every emotion has been stripped off from my entire human system. Like everything that is being thrown at me, is ricocheting on its own. 

No Facebook. No Yahoo Messenger. No Games. No Boyfriend. Less Cellphone.

I'm not actually angry at a certain person, but instead I'm angry at myself... I feel like I'm destroying myself, and I'm also stopping myself from doing it.

change... 


how self destructive... I beg not to be bi-polar, I beg not to be narcissistic, I beg not to be a patriot, I beg not to be pessimistic. I beg not to feel immune.. 


I close my eyes, and future career is what is playing inside my head.. return the money... parents... debts.. never ending problems.

Dear God,
I pray that you give me grace, I don't want my old life back. But instead, I pray for something better than it... Thank you and I love you.

 how contradicting...
My sister is listening to Justine Bieber, which is One Time.

[Blah]

How does love go about anyway...

Idiocy is for the naive..

Again, here I am... with bare emotions. just finished yawning- teary eyed. Everyday I continue to believe that everything will be alright, even if rapture is near- or should I say soon to come..

Is death better than waiting for the apocalypse?
I remember telling my friend last night that I miss talking to someone, miss talking to a person whom I can confine my pain too.. Most of the time, I keep myself busy. Its not that its against my will, but instead I still pursue into putting my efforts into it. Having a boyfriend is still a long term goal for me...

After this semester, I'm planning to disappear again... Its an actual harsh decision, I've lost hope and is not expecting anymore. Tribulation I encounter everyday is a struggle to always get up on my feet and continue with what is ahead of me. Sometimes I want to cry but I feel so emotionless again; which is bad.

I watched V for Vendetta yesterday, Inglorious Bastard and today 2012... The pattern seems funny, all seem to link to one context which is somewhat political and truly they were. Truly, I am so amazed at how God can make me see into things...

Yet here I am... the hopeless person, where is the key to my hope?

[yawn]

ciao bella

Ang alam ko, mahal kita pero hindi ako umaasa ng kahit ano. Gusto ko ganto lang.

I'm growing sleepy and tired, just came home from my friend's house and we chatted for about two hours or catching up with the seven months that went by. I've realized many things, yet I can't put it into words... I feel so helpless right now, my eyes are getting weaker and weaker as I type away.

zzzz...
yawn

It has officially started again, and I want to exclude myself again to humanity. The good old isolated me.

One goal, One aim, One God.

ciao bella~

Last night was just unavoidable, seriously? Drinking out and partying... just realized its not my thing anymore, it felt like it was wrong as if fitting yourself in a really nice top yet you don't look good on it. A lot of things crossed my mind last night, I even thought about this guy that I like because we were around Makati area in Jupiter street and he would tell me that he usually hangs out there. No chance of luck, we didn't push through and stayed in Fiamma because it was kind of boring and the place was just dead and to think that was already 11:30pm.... Then we decided to go to Timog and settled for a place called Dolce; its this super club in north that people from there goes to. 

Yet again, I attempted to break out of my coffin and stayed out and chillax with other people... The crowd was a  party place but it was more like mixed people not like in Fort but we stayed. It was a different feeling, I had the urge of this trying to avoid the alcohol and partying.... Whenever I go to the toilet and boys would check me out, I would look straight and avoid eye contact... I felt so strict and emotionless. The whole time, I would talk to Kuya Jess inside my head and pray calmly and tell him: "I can do this, avoid it" The carbon monoxide from cigarettes -was just polluting my eyes and I was starting to get all droopy... I finished my san mig light, and changed to the Gilbey's Green Tea; which I said was my favorite.... The music was lively and it enticed me to dance and move around, then my sister's friend starts to annoy me at first I was like "Yeah I'm cool"... as time went by he starts to pinch my arm and would ask me if I was alright and I kept a cool face and repeated my answer. That actually happened like may be 8 times or so, and he would also poke my sides... I was in control, and continuously prayed mentally. 

The night was fast, we actually went home at around 5am..... It was just not right, didn't felt right. or maybe because I wasn't used to it? The whole ride going home, the guy kept on touching my hair and would tuck it in my ear and would touch my shoulder and he would slide his hands to my hair... I felt grossed out... I wanted to cry and shouted for help, I wanted my old boyfriend to come rescue me but nothing so instead I continued to pray to Kuya Jess... My head felt heavy, I started to feel sleepy... As soon as I got home, I washed up and prepared for bed. The sun was almost up, the birds were chirping.. I felt uneasy, I slept the whole day and woke up at 4pm, ate my late lunch and took a bath and got ready for church... During church, I asked for forgiveness. It was so not right the whole thing.... But I tried. 

Now, here... I lay... with my sleepy eyes, and would drown myself to dreams... 

ciao bella

I don't know who actually to blame for this "uncertain feeling", life is just getting tougher and tougher.But then again, whenever I remember my retreat and its moral lesson of:

Tanggap lang ng tanggap 

Ironic as it may sound, but acceptance feels like greed. The more you accept, the more you don't get satisfied. Who am I to question once belief. 

After doing what I did, just a couple of minutes ago, it was suppose to make me light.... but my self destruction mode turned up and blew my who momentum.

It sucks to be me, I need to get my self esteem back--- which I think should be near. School is starting... and it sort of sucks. :[

I'm getting so tired, to the point that I fall asleep already while doing this entry. yawn....

BIMK:

Basta Ikaw Mahal kita! :D

The day has ended, and another day has been reborn..

Back in manila..

It never occurred to me that this feeling for returning to the home soil will not be desolated, I can see my stuffs just hanging out and I left them untouched and haven't stowed them away. Its 6 in the morning, I woke up around quarter to 6 to take a leak; the feeling of home still awfully the same. Reality is kicking in slowly and I'm getting fixated with all of it, I'm getting too overwhelmed with it and its not so easy.

I woke up from this slightly awkward dream and it was pretty disturbing I couldn't explain how it felt like but the person who confronted me with a revelation makes it even worst. He put up a face of confidence and directly say: "I'm going to find you a soulmate" (blah blah) the person in the dream left me far far behind already.

I need to start my diet, I feel uncomfortable with my size and appearance... I'm guessing my period is near thats why my hormones are changing again and so as my mood. I sense more change and I'm trying to want to believe in those unspoken events.

I want to cook and I want to bake, yet this weather makes me uneasy and cramped.

In great awe I saw this korean drama called "A man called God" and to my amazement the main character strongly resembled as him:

ahhh... how disturbing naman...
it was so random, apparently I was watching this random korean shows...
TT_TT

This curse, I don't understand it very well or I don't even know how exactly how its suppose to end but it feels as if though your just stuck there. Freedom or equity does not exist in the atmosphere, as if the air that you breathe is only a lease from an untouchable. Its been awhile since my last post again, I'm beginning to feel this aura of remiss that a lot of us are damned with.

The world continues to spin, yet a lot of people haven't still understood how they're life works out. Congratulations to me I think somehow I've gotten half way to my life surmise, I'm not dully educated as to compare with students who aces most of their required subjects; yet I'm still in mediocrity self assigning myself to be amidst in both competence and incompetence. I am bewildered by my ability to seek thorough detail in my life, I can't escape the fact that I remember a lot of aspects and could easily input and adjust it in my system. My world view has changed, and will constantly continue: adjusting and reconfiguring myself to be placed cleanly and discretely in the system. Its a shame I haven't been reading books lately, self educating myself is the only key how I can survive in this environment; like what I said constant adjustment constant reconfigure. I miss a lot embodiment in my said life, I don't feel any remorse for leaving them though it makes me cripple day by day.

Here I am, adjusted and reconfigured to last for a couple of months. Easily wounded easily healed. They've always say that you have your own "choice"

6 days until my return to manila, sanity is creeping over my shoulder. Yet another environment to be familiarize with again.. I want to scream to the world "I want my old life back" but what difference will it make, it continues to spin and pause for no one.

I saw a picture of Ben Barnes in GQ: pak! Super handsome!!! Insanely just insanely attractive, those nice long hair and charming facial features... oohlala!

These past few days are just plain random and disturbing, the boys in my dreams are hunting me... like their so real yet so unreal... it feels like a new sign, yet its not a sign... there's no conspiracy? Okey... let me try to plot it out, 4 years ago I had a relationship then had to cut it and delete the memories and that was summer I came back from a vacation.... had a new love that bloomed again.. then eventually died again, yes thats the soulful perfect word: DIED!
-now, here I am ended a relationship again and I'm coming home from a vacation again? so is it possible that I'm-- okey lets keep it into that kind of mystery, I don't want to make premature analysis. Besides, I should already know which are the best assets to keep a relationship fit and healthy then again I hope I wont forget my precarious strategies and would have to mobilize them if ever I'll get a chance. Oh fuck, what the hell am I saying again... there we go, all the intense brain is working again... crap crap crap, I'm so tired of this lame redundant thoughts, its giving me a headache... plus my nape continues to ache, I guess I'm going to crash now..

ciao bells

Got to  make this quick, theres no real reason actually behind the being "quick" gotta go thing... hah! I just finished watching a movie with my brother: "13 going on 30" it was pretty cute... I know its very child-like the romance was just too darn too good to be true, I'm not quite certain if I already made an entry about that movie but any how: it sure did hit it a spot there... right in that left corner that beats constantly to pump the blood out of me. I admit I'm not a good writer or a person who has good grammar, its just that for the past couple of years I would try to revive this blog of mine to keep me alive.

Meaning, this the only outlet where I can put my thoughts down... I'm quite pathetic and cliché, the thought of me just listening to "Friday I'm in love by The Cure" just goes to show its so coincidental. I want to get over this thoughts, I don't want to dream of this boys anymore and let me even think of "love"--- hence I don't actually want to be pressured with this thing called "love". May be I've gone mad already in terms of being a "hater" well you can also put it like that. I miss a lot of things in my life and I don't want to enumerate them, frankly I'm lost... I feel like a lost child in the woods.

Earlier in the morning, I went to the Den and browsed through books and just wanted to grabbed a really good book and relax and let my head calm itself down. Its more of like I want to go home and place myself to something familiar and lay there until time lapse. The book I randomly picked up was just right: "The Peter Principle" perfect for the "mood swing". I currently feel my eyes welling up again, I'm injecting myself with the thoughts of "no regrets, whats done is done". I'm condoned to this feeling... insanely empty and cold. Three words eight letters. What makes it even harsh is that, I feel that the month of May is drawing closer to me.

crashing smoothly on the bed, this sure did help me.

What a Monday morning

Thinking it was just an ordinary morning, you wake up peek through the window and there were droplets of rain trickling down then get off the bed and go straight to the bathroom and sit on the cold toilet. Doing my usual morning routine; washing my face with cold water as soon as I toweled and dried up I darted down stairs to eat my morning breakfast. Again the usual I went through the pantry to get the cereal box; checked the expiration dates of the cereals took the latest box and emptied it out, not knowing it was almost empty I got another box and opened it again then went through the ref to pour myself a milk to my surprise the people finished the milk and I thought to myself to just pour a chocolate soy milk. I was munching away with my cereals I saw my aunt entering the hall way and greeting me a pleasant "good morning" and telling me that her pillows from her patio got soaked last night due to the light rain fall. I minded my own business and munched on my cereal and took an ample slice of poppy seed bread, I sat down on the breakfast counter still munching away when my aunt suddenly shouted "Oh My God" then she repeated the phrase again and I was saying "you lost your trade again or did the DOW went down?" then she repeated again and tears started to fall.

My mom suddenly started to rush toward her, then my mom said "what happened tell me what happened" then my aunt said "Sean is dead, Inda's son is dead" and she added "anong meron ba sa mga bata ngayon" -- so I back flashed and remembered he was the fireman. My aunt continued talking while she was breaking down, she said that the young man committed suicide then my mom continues to cry because of thoughts about my brother. I didn't know how to react during that 5 minutes that I was there, I continued to eat my breakfast being an empty me I didn't know how to feel... there were no tears coming out of my ducts, nor what to feel about Tita Inda's lost. Hence, this feeling of grief I never liked it... it slowly envelopes you holistically then makes you sob till your eyes hurts. I know that feeling very well that right now my chest hurts and my eyes are starting to water again. Now all I can do is to be stunned and bite my lower lip... now I'm hearing again this story over and over again. I'm here   near the speaker phone, over hearing my aunt's story over and over again... My mom is in front of me now, saying that we should not let my younger brother know about the story.

Here I sit infront of my laptop, to my right is the window.... its so real that I feel grief in the air and its so melancholic... I don't like it, and I am so disgusted with it...

[pause, because my mom is talking with me about my brother]

Really I don't know how to react with this... I guess I am not ready to face a lot of things when I get back to Manila. So here I am... hearing all of this problems and stories, them not knowing: I'm trying to fight away this serious "Depression" inside of me. As I fight away this tears that wants to fall out of my eyes my chest is starting to hurt.

Fine, what I do not know wont hurt me... I don't want to know... okey let me be clueless then. Now that time is lapsing again, my heart is pounding at the thought of me embracing my new life when I get back to Manila. How do I recover from loneliness? Why does depression even exist in this world?

I sit and as I gaze outside the window I try so hard to understand why this things evolve inside our head, an hour has already passed ever since I started my entry. I don't like falling into this pit of depression thats why I must fight it, your emotions are always there... they complete you then they let you crash on your own. Spiritually God will be the one who will guide me, when all else fail... who is there to catch me? It hurts to think when you know your already lost.. who do I run to aside from God?

making it worst.. the sky is very gloomy and dark... every detail makes it even worst.

Honesty is the first chapter in the book of wisdom. Thomas Jefferson 


I guess life gets complicated when we think of it as something complicated? I can't stop thinking about my future, every time my mind goes idle.. it instantly goes to this other page about my "Future".. Its pretty frustrating that I'm so fixated about my future. 


[currently listening to a ballad song]
The song has very strong emotions.. 


What should I do in order to avoid this thoughts again? Why do I always need an escape pod? 
should I:

• read a book?
• exercise?
• bake a muffin?
• sleep?
• initiate a conversation with friends?
• do the photo album project?

-> I miss someone singing me love songs... I do actually miss someone in particular, even though he sings randomly.. but his voice is pretty sweet in the ears, ahh.. here I go again?

random:
I like being malandi... I don't know why, but I don't really show it publicly that I enjoy doing it. But I'm planning to remake myself when I go back to manila ;)


oh: here's a photo I randomly saw of Nickhun

he is one good piece of meat :D 

nom nom.... I saw his body in one of his picture....

Why o why... 

haha!

seriously he is one irresistible good looking man? 

I read his bio earlier... and woah, he has gone a long way... multi-talented.

Oppp oppp... stop right there Lyleee....

back to reality?

Its actually hard to try to avoid temptation, but Hey! Look at me, I'm "almost" at the end of my race?.......

psh... 

my sweet decadent lover is waiting for me back in Manila...... Whoever you are!!! I hope its not... [murmurs to herself]

am... sleepy, yet its only 9:26pm in Denver... if its Keystone it might be like 7pm? haha!!! but here in East coast its 11:26pm... I hope I wont have nasty dreams again. I hate it when he goes to my dream? Come on... he is long gone? and he already moved on and has forgotten about me.. What gives?

Ciao bella 

Okey okey here's the deal... I can't seem to get over the fantasy of being treated as a "princess" a couple of hours ago I was at my cousin's house and I couldn't just get over the fact that his Husband "Dan" is just so sweet with her. I know physical attraction doesn't count as a factor (as others put it) he was just like a "koala" and I was so envious that I just hid it inside the realms of my colorful mask.

Yes, I do admit that I miss being treated like a princess.... I remembered Sang Woo, a friend of mine. We went shopping that day and I had a shopping bag, then I just told him to carry it... And he was like, "Are you a princess?" and I instantly answered him "Yes" and so he just took it and he was cursing in Korean but he still carried it. [Pretty sweet actually] -damn I couldn't get it out my system anymore TT_TT

I'm listening to Phoenix right now at the radio, I am so enjoying the mood of this beautiful house right now. The quiet & peaceful ambiance, I feel so independent here and I have a wide space all just for me... but my other relatives are arriving in days... I'm sort of disappointed but what the hell... I can't have everything I want, right? 

n'est il pas ce droit?

Going back... I miss having a leech for a boyfriend... oh wait, let me rephrase that, I miss having a leech type boyfriend. But hey? Come on, I shouldn't even be thinking about this again.... (frukc)

Tomorrow will be exciting, I'll be meeting with my old friend Kaye; the last time I saw her was her 20th birthday of last year. :)

Oh btw, I went to New York today... I stayed at my aunt's apartment and surfed the internet-- took a nap and went with my cousin at her place a couple of blocks from that apartment... Ate yummy steak & broccoli sprouts and some salad. Then after dinner, my aunt called already and told me to go back at the apartment already, so after dinner I bid my cousin good bye & thanked her for the delish dinner. Then went on my way, at first I was like just walking and just went on whatever street... then my right ankle started to get hurt [because I was speed walking trying to make a New Yorker pace] haha how ridiculous?

After I packed up my laptop and camera we left the apartment and started walking to Grand Central to catch the train going back to Stamford. Uhh... we were so lucky that we were able to catch the 9:07 train, as soon as we got inside we passed by like 3-4 cars because she didn't want to stay in a noisy car and etc... So we ended up sitting with this young man something like may be 19 to 20 ish, looked like a Lifty from Keystone, same get up & all. [How I miss Keystone already]  I felt that he was eying me from his peripheral gaze and also through the window (I mean come on he was looking outside, but it was so dark and couldn't even see anything because the train was too fast) Anyways, I guess he didn't talk with me because I was with my aunt... I was actually thinking of offering him a gum.. but my aunt was there... plus it seem awkward. [haha] lame, good thing I didn't do it.

voir, I'm going to crash already... Need to get up early... may be to run some errand or something?

ciao bella

Do you save yourself before saving others?

Ice cream doesn't seem to help me anymore, it doesn't take a way my emptiness anymore. I think I need to seek help, and I believe I'm ready to go to a psychiatrist. I don't want this hole to eat me alive...
(My head just suddenly start to spin)

Sooner or later, I need to find the right outlet for my depressive state... I'm really scared truly, I'm scared to be alone and to live my life not being loved my someone.

What can life offer to me while I work hard in surviving one? Its driving me nuts. I was temporarily stripped off from the people and things I love to work hard and earn hard and fulfill my lifetime experience that will change my perspective towards the holistic sense of living in one. Material things are temporary yet we work hard in achieving to buy or get them.

I think my life just suddenly sank... it sank in a point wherein, I believe

• my future
• my family
• my friends

Can't it just be simple? Why is life eating me alive, how can it be 

"Save"

I was telling my aunt early since we had a talk, as soon as my internship ended: I had to plan ahead already for my future. Every single day that has passed, my life will just continue and I will continue to grow older... My short term & my long term goals should still be polished and be set into place.

But now, where am I? Who am I going to be when I go back to my country? Will I be a snobbish person who would not look back on what had brought me to my current state? 

Is patriotism erased in my vocabulary already? Is it the end of my state of peace? It seems like I have a lot of questions inside my head that I couldn't even figure out anymore. In the first place, why is the word "satisfied" even existed if almost everybody wants to always excel and out do the last job. Life gets even more complicated while you continue living in one, I'm torn in between whether to pursue a job that I'm based outside the country where I was born. 

I feel that I need someone already, I badly need someone whom I could talk to with this queries that is bothering me. But in the end, they say that "Your the only one who can help save yourself" 

Why is reality check always keeps on knocking my happiness down... Is there a person who is happy in this world? 

But I do know one thing: I believe deep within my heart, that there is a God. The Almighty one who stays with us and whom He will not let us bring us down. All the riches in the world will not give you happiness, a problematic person is unhappy because he can not have what he "wants". 

I've recently reflected on myself that in life we should not buy things unless we really "need" it, if you can survive your life without having that certain "thing" it means you don't need it. Sometimes I want to ask the Almighty one, why he structured a man's life truly complicated. A lot of aspects in life should be put into factor that "this can not work properly" because of this and that....

[I looked out at the window, and I see drops on rain sliding off the window. The sky is crying yet again.... after almost 5 months, this is the only time again that I saw rain]

I want to be honest will myself, I'm scared... truly and sincerely

I'm scared, whats next in my life? What should I do now already? Its hard to figure out whats going to be next in my life. Have I fully changed already? (took a deep breath)

[Its cold in my aunt's house, I'm at her entertainment room]

Now, I'm left by myself again, getting fixated on how I'll run my life after this trip... The question stuck in my head now is:

how should I face reality when I come back?

1. My temporary escape has come to an end
2. As I arrive: how do I deal with other peoples questions?
3. Should I continue to progress while others are stuck in regression
4. I do not want reality to eat me alive

Dear God,

I believe that you exist, being a human down in earth is very complicated. A lot of sacrifices are made, too much heart ache and temporary joy are gambled. I will pray so hard for grace, Lord God I pray that I will find the right answers through you.

Finally

I'm already in Denver, I haven't checked some stuffs lately... due to being placed in a townhouse with my other 3 friends; but the 2 left already so we moved in again at the main house. My two korean friends already left yesterday morning, and I feel pretty sad about it...

:[ I've really learned how to let go... and thanks to those two peeps, letting go and detaching myself with something you think you wont be able to let go? Did I even made sense?

For the past two days; I've been driving around here in Denver and --- my driving skills are still good and not bad at all? :)) Plus, it was my first time to pump gas :p check this picture:

I miss Julia & David already...

I'm sleepy... I think I'm not making any sense anymore... :[ flying out this thursday for NY; can't wait to see my old friend and my aunt plus my mom & brother in 1 week... :]

ciao bella~

4 days left- Good Bye Keystone

I guess I should feel euphoric right now, since this internship will be over and my hardship will be over pretty pretty soon.

The experience I got here changed a lot in my personal holistic point of view, I can't find the proper words to explain how I feel right now.

But I'm pretty sure, Its MIXED Emotions.

"Moving in takes time, now moving out seems even harder"

I took this pictures just a couple of minutes ago, and now as you can see the stuffs are almost empty again a big hole is being placed in my heart again.

Now, a new chapter has closed again in my life. I feel sad, truly.

So where do I start again in my life? Everything seems to be like a scrambled eggs again. Where did I last stop? Right now, I just can't wait to be with my mom and a good old friend of mine. 

At night, I would dream of this random events and people that would just simply play inside the realms of my fake-world. But eventually I would just wake myself up, because I chose not to believe in nothing of it at all.

P.S.

Never give up, do not lose hope yet do not keep your hopes to high

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.
Buddha

Goodbye Keystone~ Hello Denver SOON

So, my last day of work will be on Avril 7'....

yeeeeh; I can't wait... :D
sooo excited, I just need to be more patient.

-After Keystone- Denver
-After Denver- New York
-After New York- Manila?

But wait, from what I know... I'm pretty excited for Manila? Even though I don't really know what to expect,
---hence, I don't want to keep my hopes way too high...

A lot of people are waiting for me,

 even Mr. Right Time?

=giggles!! 

too much euphoria in my head..

head spinning,

yawn yawn,

will be working tomorrow again.

I'm going to miss a lot of things here in Keystone,

I hope I learned & applied a lot of things from this experience.

ciao~~ bella

shopping?!

AMP!
I went shopping with my boys today, gurr and spent ___ oh well!

So we got a baller cap today, and mine was black so that its neutral and all, and The initial was "CR"== which is Colorado rockies.. Ohaha!! I just can't stop laughing why I chose it... It sounds like Comfort Room, but since Sang Woo chose it, let him be. The three of us got the cap, Our Group cappie. haha~~

I actually bent it already :) haha! 

cute chick eh?

ffff~~

Tomorrow I need to go back to old navy and return this ridiculous shirt that I bought.. ugh~

ciao amigos & migas~

salut belle

My internship is almost over, which means: I'm going back soon in manila.... I feel a bit tense about me going back there, though originally I did leave a lot of stuffs back home and they were pretty much unfinish or may be it was just plain finish?

ah, what the heck.. Anyways, I'm just playing around again with my thoughts and rather than just getting a good night sleep. I have a couple of random plans in my head and they're just floating and I don't really know when to execute it. :]

I'm... happy, even though it was short & simple again.
-a side note: at work they said that I'm short but terrible, that I'm always just too strong & have this fierce attitude which makes me laugh because I guess its that obvious that I'm really a bully. Flashback; I just remember the days when I do it to yobo, awh I plead guilty on that. ffffffff~~~

I feel slightly happy, may be the fact that I'm going home? back to manila... and the sense of, just waiting for the right guy perhaps makes me more anxious about it. I may say that I'm looking forward about it.. though, I 'm not really hopeless but I believe or whatever he has gotten over me and is leaving his life peacefully with his new career and chosen path without me. My days are ending soon, a little waiting doesn't hurt, my sacrificial love for avoiding every scrumptious temptation has been set aside and thrown away. That being said, I am proud to say; I still have my pact to keep for myself.

yawn~~
the internship is almost over,

ciao yobo

Is in Aspen

Im currently doing nothing right now, I am just typing away and is just playing.... with this fancy computer the hotel offers to us rigth now. Hahaha!!!!!!

And in awhile, I shall leave and will be off to the streets of this tiny town, and will take cute pictures :)

So last night, my cousin told me that when she was 22years old, she met her husband.... Hmm, pretty interesting light note though?

Does that mean that how many months from now I'll soon meet my future hubby? Awh! I miss my yobo, I dreamt about him.. :(

Ahhhhh psh, enough with the drama.

Ciao~ 

happy birthday me

is it really happy then?

Happy 22nd birthday to me then :(

-someone special forgot to greet me... how sad.

Off to Aspen with my cousin tomorrow, hopefully I'll enjoy my alone time...

ciao~

seek and you will find

I was thinking a lot for the past couple of days, particularly about my life after my internship. How I'll be able to react with the change when I come back home. It seems too soon to be thinking about it

*yawn*

Currently: Incubus sound trip

I found a pink head phone at the kitchen last 2 nights ago, and its a keeper ;) haha! Now I don't have a reason to buy a headphone or whatever, though I would like to buy an IPod Shuffle; its not that expensive about 50-ish bucks. A lot of temptations yet I will not drive myself insane from this allurement, "Resistance is not yet futile"

• smoking
• drinking
• drugs
• sex
• clubbing

Those are still preventive, its not something I will further venture upon my system. Its a pretty fit stern discipline, I'm damn sure that I'll be able to complete this pact with or without prize at the end of the race. Winners will always be winners

[awh, my lips hurt!!! the sides of my lips hurts.. its like a sore and I couldn't eat properly plus my chafed hands due to washing of hands with hot & cold]

MY hands!! My used to be pulchritudinous handsss!!!

AHHH!!!

I am dumb-founded again, I feel brain dead! I just forgot what I'm about to write!!!!!!!!!

[currently singing "are you in"]

using the new pink earphones

-->  I got home pretty late today, around 12:51am because I had to close the kitchen with my friend.. :s and its 2:36am!! I neeed to crash! 

Its been so long since I've last wrote an entry here :( My head is so cramped; my thoughts are soooo occupied, and I am so unorganized!!! and I don't like the thought, I'm still stress!!! :]

how disturbing...

ciao~ 

p.s.
Its a full moon

fyi...

he dropped by again my apartment just to spread his wrath and irritation and childishness..

ugh.... =(

I am so confused!!!!
I want to kick his ass, the fact that I had to shave because he told me to... UGH!!

Though my legs now are smooth and silk like!!

Dang that guy!!!

CHINA!!!

-- irritated!! 

ciao!

ahhh whatta day!

AGH!!!

I was just surprised today, my agenda was supposed to be grocery & post office...

But then again, I was surprised.. 

I kept on playing in my head that I don't want to talk to him

and I'm not going to see him...

and I will not talk to him..

BUT!

When the bus pulled over at the corner of the post office 

I saw his silhouette and was sure that it was him..

So when he stepped up, 

unconsciously I patted the sit next to me

and there

he was..

and sat next to me

I told him that I was going to the grocery, and asked him to go with me to the grocery.. but his plans maneuvered my day... his agenda was to go shopping: to buy himself a pair of pants at CK and buy his mom a bag at Coach... well he failed to buy him the jeans and instead I bought myself a bra from CK.. =( buhu! I'm happy with the new bra, though I feel regretful for buying it. T_T

It was weird that it was only the two of us... uhm, sort of awkward but we didnt feel weird it was pretty mutual because we can look each other straight in the eye... though, I enjoyed yet I still uncomfortable hanging out and knows how he is.. and all... I still feel not so good at all. :(

Then I was saying inside my head  This is just great...

all my plans are just ruined?

=(

But still, I think I'm getting more irritated with him.. and will not like him...

This is just elementary, the fact that I think he just  see me as his sister / friendly girl friend...

ugh... please?

I don't like this.. 

devastated

another desolating feeling again....

not happy.
:[
I feel somewhat brokenhearted, but the fact that I shouldn't even be surprised..

For sure, I'm just going to forget about the extra feeling. I feel humiliated that I'm not going to get back something, the fact that I need to just forget and move on.. another memory eraser for me.

I'm just going to rote till' I get over it again.

Happy? Vday?

TODAY?
Is valentines, today was just a day.... a simple flat day?


Didn't feel the love much in the air, but when I opened my email inbox I was just overwhelmed and felt that I am loved same goes with my cellphone... people did reply to my valentines message. 


Plus my final contender is GOD: he sent me this message
All is going according to plan. Trust that there is a bigger picture. Trust that life is unfolding as it should.


I guess  I am pretty pleased with what I'm doing so far, the fact that I went to church and enjoyed the homily. Which the priest explained about "sacrifices" that in order for us to change,  we take in every sacrifices we can do.


St. Valentine was known for his sacrifices, though I'm not familiar with his stories... I bet God's message for today is for us to do our own Individual sacrifices our own willingly sacrifices. 


I may not be in-love  anymore, but I believe that in God's time I will soon fall in love and will be in love with someone. 


"God's personal chosen one for me" 


In time I will be in good hands, and a couple of my friends back at home just misses me and wants me to go back already. I miss my friends & family, I know that a couple of things have changed and it can't be replayed in order to fix it. 


(Sigh)


Sooner or later, I'll be able to figure out who I am and what this experience will give me.


Keep praying dear Princess....

waiting in vain

I am most patient at this perfect moment.

I woke up early this morning, and first thing I did was to go to the toilet and went back to my bed and picked up the bible and read through the scriptures that I didn't read the previous night. -_-) so shameful.

I finally have figured out my two persona,
one: multi faceted face of me, the chronic emptiness that they would mention of being too emotional.
second: the pretend happy approach, that everything will just be fine.

Truly, my disease has affected me inevitably. Or could it just be this "homesick syndrome"? If it is, what would I be coming home to when I get back to Manila? 
-friends?
-school?
-family?
-problems?

Highly a unlikable, to be going home when someone can't soothe my mild torments. Has my approach in life changed? very much...
I don't want to fall, I take it aback. 


My friends and I were late for our class at the mountain, I feel embarrass that we were late... All the bad luck were with us that morning the lift operation was just too stubborn and a big hindrance to the plan. So instead we went back to my friend's apartment and we hanged out there until quarter to 3 to catch another class. We chatted, we ate lunch [my korean girlfriend cooked some hot ramen for us] after eating our early lunch, I fell asleep at my friend's bed and the two peeps = david & julia were doing computer and my roomie went back to our apartment to take a siesta... I want to stop what my thoughts are pushing me.. :{ But I can feel it, its almost the end.


[I'm currently waiting for time again, my shift is at 5pm; and I agreed with Jon to exchange with my schedule... Internally I don't like the thought, but all I can do is be humble and agree. 
Its a bit cloudy outside, which means a light snow would be going down tonight, I feel sad that I'd be closing on my own tonight at the kitchen. I'm not really in favor in my working schedule, though I'm trying to ease up with it. 


Right now, I guess; I'll take a little nap and do some dreaming.. This rustic lifestyle up this mountains is pretty much not so ordinary but it really does soothe my aura. 


(I'll continue may be tonight or so, if I don't get lazy)

Mars is twinkling at me

So i look up at my window, and I see this very very small dot that is twinkling just straight me...


Isn't it amazing how God can cheer us up?


Its funny how this day went, it was a steady and unusual day. Wouldn't actually believe that I would be watching "Twilight" again... not to mention, whenever I watch that movie I would just fall madly in love with Edward's character... even if its very fictional, yet "a girl can still dream" 

• Attending employee party [Fail]
• Coloring my hair [Semi-Fail]
• Buying ice cream [Almost-Fail]
• Ignoring someone [Totally Failed]

I am really frustrated, I can't imagine how I will be able to function for the next few days... A little adjustment within my screws are definitely an option. 

This morning I watched some random incubus home videos at 

YouTube

and it was just hilarious 

and cute

and plain fun.

Its actually nice how you

can learn a lot from 

those random gags they do.

Honestly, I do miss having a boyfriend. I miss being able to care of someone I love. I know this situation is practically typical, yet after all I'm just a girl who just wants to find my very own half.

my own brand of heroine..

The fervor that I felt before, is just slowly fading away and I'm not sure how to stop it or to take control of it. Since I told myself that I will be letting it go slowly and soon. After this dream of mine, this temporary silence that I have kept myself; soon I will be facing my future [bites her lips and ponders]

What should lie ahead of me? success? failure? happiness? emptiness?

During day offs, I love giving myself a time off: take my usual pause and just lay on my bed and reflect on the things I should be preparing for. 

Thought on top of my head:

I'm scared

of being left behind.. of taking a new path.. of many things in short

Now 1 Corinthians 13 hits me hard, 

Clearly, I'm struggling with myself.

=[

purpose? what is the real purpose. 

what have I gained lately?

God's messages have been very strong lately, his communications and messages have been very powerful. 

I chose to choose to stay with His will, and in my mind and heart I shall continue.