Lover or no Lover?

I feel like a great fool again, my thoughts keeps on bugging me...

I want to be hypnotized and be put to sleep throughout the eternity,

(listening to incubus at the moment)

I love that band,

just how I love Sherard.

It HAS always been a fact not even a hypothesis.

It's been a theory ever since before.

punch drunk:

I will survive... On this island, I am stuck

Could you correct

My crooked luck tonight?

I'm punch-drunk, and I need to find a way back home
It'd be a miracle, if you'd oblige

[MENTALLY SCREAMS INSIDE HER HEAD]

I want to be a person who can be so strong who would not falter, and who would not be swayed by her emotions. I feel so much hurt right now, that I'd want to rip my way out of this craziness.

I don't know who I am anymore: am I being too emotional? that I have no right to sob myself to sleep. I feel so alone, I feel so lost without him. That wanting and needing him would be the 0% possibility... zero visibility, I am overwhelmed with this independence that I am given, that at the same time I feel so much hurt; from what is happening to me.

My requests; my whims, my life...

I wander alone, I try to go back to the

path that I took, but inevitability over shadows me.

DESPERATION?

is my last option, The LEAST LEAST thing that I would do.

I am a Golden Ticket

a prize to be gained.

I need to learn how to snowboard really really soon,

I need to do something stupid, something to grab this depression of mine.

I would need to suppress my emotions.

I need to train myself with a new skills, traits:

for next year, my plans of change are:

• less whining and less talking
• expressionless face (poker face)
• will bring back the old snob in me
• will no longer smile
• ignore side comment from other people
• listen and just agree and go back to business
• read more books; will venture different genres
• will be more of a follower than a leader
• will either: TRY; partying or stay at home for good
• will date a man with traits of: charms, intellect, would be able to serenade me, could look me straight in the eyes
• will dress more daring than before, or maybe conservative
• will try to have my hair in a short crop or may be mid length
• would not care with other people's thought about me, and will no longer feel insecure with other girls
• will sleep early, and will no longer stay up late

[and the list goes on]

I feel like

running away from this thoughts, I want to run freely going towards the woods or

driving soo fast at night with a BMW z3.. or maybe with a Nissan gtr? last option is a Porsche.

My last trait is:

| I will try not to be bitter about the things that happen about my life.

I will overdrive my Brain from working and I'd just want for it to pass out from exhaustion.

Brandon Boyd's voice soothes my soul,

it cries out the emotions out of my body.

Guess what? I feel like stabbing myself with a knife to stop my heart beat.

I'm seriously going to crash now,

I'm going to pray that I will not get a nightmare tonight.

V_V)

what have be come of me now?