I really want to stop thinking about you, I swear... I still feel like this walking zombie, as far as I know I'm here but my presence feels so empty..

I've been meditating for days now, and still I haven't found the answer to this questions... I thought that letting go of things would actually help me: but it was a wrong judgement instead they were misinterpreted actions. I don't want to be selfish anymore, I want to take a new leap in my life.

But I feel so scared, scared about God and how he will judge me on what I will do. 

One of my close friend told me: if I'm ready to serve the Lord I should be able to let go of whatever I have;

what am I doing?

I've detached myself from using much of the computer: YM, Facebook etc. My cellphone now is purely for communication with my colleagues and friends, using the car is more like my transportation to school- house and vice versa, I don't demand for attention anymore, I keep a quiet and still life, I do not shop or ask money... etc 

I need to talk to someone, I feel that I'm willing to change now... but here I am, Lost and empty no one to direct me, except God. 

I got a message from him and it felt really strong and bold and it was: 

" I am the good sheperd" John 10:11

at the end, the quick prayer was "Loving God, help me to be better, more faithful sheep. Amen"

:c I'm so confused... I'm starting to hate myself more and more...

(screams inside her head while closing her eyes)