Fear Overwhelms me

What happened today, was unplanned. I do not know how to explain myself, except for beings sorry for making it really big this time around. I have no room for "forgiveness" I should have just stayed at home and bored myself to just doing nothing at all. How can I do this, I need help and no one can help me. Why would sherard do this to me, can't he be at least be on my side to understand and not judge me. IT hurts, I feel a burning hole inside my chest... I always stayed to be this "semi-scratch proof" girl. But now, I am bleeding mentally from what I have done.

I said I was sorry to my mom. I even told her to slap me, that I was truly sorry for doing it. That I didn't mean anything; that my soul purpose was just to do it properly.

At least my brother understood me, I'm sorry! I'm drowning of tears and judgement right now, I can't face my stage nor the crowd I used to perform. It's as if my performance was a disaster, that I can never come back from redeeming myself and performing as to how I used to do it.

I honestly, would want to shut myself down and escape this faces of disappointment. How dare me, to break their hearts their trusts and how they see me. The fact that I was not manipulating who I am, I have never faced feared ever like this before except from my brother's accident.

How can I come back, how will I...

walk again with my head chin up.

I never asked so much in life, except my good education that's all I asked because I know that I have no right to be happy nor to be the person that I am today. I am thankful at the thought that God has created me, I am deeply wounded at the thought of how I do this; how can I go further more.

(The event keeps on flashing back to my memory)

I ask myself if I was bad, but I did tell the Lord that I didn't understand why it happened. But I did not question why.

I closed my eyes for 5 seconds, and saw a rainbow, a straight line shaped rainbow.

I am afraid, I feel dumbfounded on how I an escape and surpass this.

mood: heavy eyes