A Not so Sugar Coated Life

it's my life's anniversary

2011-03-18T10:08:00.000-06:00

So it's been a really long time since my last post... such controversy has happened in my life that it feels like I'm burning some time but I beg not to argue with myself in opposing what's really in store for me. While wasting time, I haven't been really honest with myself and haven't straighten up some kinks up my sleeve not that I've been quite a player or anything. God only knows how semi pathetically clean and bare I am this couple of months. It's almost a two year mark now to be exact, pretty much proud of being a celibate until this stage even if a lot of people around me are a bit the bad influence [very thankful of the Lord] twenty three is now permanently the mark I carry. I guess today's a very special for me the fact that I was conceive this exact day twenty four years ago... Dear Lord God, I am very Thankful of my parents. I may seem to look unhappy but perhaps this is just a little sacrifice I would have to shoulder by myself. Greetings from a lot of thoughtful people gave me a good security that I still had a handful of good individuals around me...

Happy twenty third to me.

bisous

2011-01-19T10:14:00.000-07:00

Dear Blog,

Its been awhile... or should I say its been sometime? Haven't been really opening you since I dont know when--- and that was like two months ago and actually opened you in a BB. *such a hassle typing in a tiny claustrophobic keyboard*

Moving on, TODAY! yes today, was a very tiring day indeed! What did I do? Applied for several jobs in attempt to find my DREAM job which is... (croak background) dang! I am seriously dumb founded, I'm starting to get a very anxious feeling- The feeling of the lone ranger! Oh please no, thats the least thing I would want to happen to me. The fact that I'm a self professed "anti social" would make it even worst... ANYWAYS, by the end of the night I got stuck with this website on applying as an "au pair" am I sensing a question mark in your face? Well to enlighten you, an au pair is actually a "nanny" more formal term they would use to address a nanny. Nevertheless, you might think WHY THE HELL would she should apply as one? (contemplating her words)

Most probably because its one of the few things in life I would want to fulfill, plus I'm pretty young should I say. I wouldn't really want to experience being a nanny if I'm older than of my present age, you know what am saying? (no?) fair enough, well I'm still thinking about it.... I guess this whole thing about being a "butler" crap is driving me nuts again. How I easily get indoctrinated with books, [whispers, But I love books]

I feel like crap, my back hurts from sitting the whole day in front of the laptop fixating on finding a real job. I still have approximately three months to go before I officially graduate from college, what a total drag indeed. [inserts image: sitting beside a pool]

Anyways, I'm officially crashing.. My throat is really figuratively being scraped with a fish scaler... *coughs like a baby* Calling it a night.

Post- Happy New Year!

Hoping for the best this year. got tons to update you with my life. :)

Bonne Chance

2010-10-19T10:10:00.002-06:00

I'm thinking, if your really in love with the person little things still matter to you, correct? What more are the bigger things? Why do we like to contradict one's opinion, why do we prefer to take stand instead of laying down the sword and take defeat in the battle. In love, what is really correct? To be overly secure or to be insecure? We ourselves make it more complicated, the issue with Love is easy. "Love and be loved" we tend to misinterpret one's opinion if the real answer to 1+1= 2 we now then ask "why two is the answers, and then we baffle ourselves to another theory that why not 3 or 4" at the end of the day, "Love is all the matter, faithful and forever" I remembered my friend he taught his 5 year old niece with this love song lyrics. May be I'm not ready for the thing called love, but I am ready to Love God and give my whole heart to Him because I know He won't hurt me. There are still so much that I need to know and comprehend in this child like head of mine. By break of day, "Love makes the world go round" Thank you God for this wonderful day, you have given me the oppurtunity to read about some stuffs that I now have better understanding. Ciao amour.

2010-10-18T10:11:00.001-06:00

So here I am, back in the game! What do you know? I'm starting again I just finished another part of my life again, would you believe that? Its actually kind of scary now, your more prone to be coming one of the "bums" which I don't really want to be at the moment. :c I feel so lost, I left my laptop at my friend's place and its almost a week now. Poor baby not being used for a week. I was online in YM earlier and I saw my ex was online, though I was online I'm not sure if he noticed me or so; but it didn't matter to me much any more. His status was this I don't know whatever he's trying to talk about, but I've noticed that his more showy now compared to before. Bullocks! Who gives a damn, I'm just an observer if you may. Nonetheless, I cross my heart: I have no feelings for him any longer. :D I'm happy God took him off my head now, just a part of the past and nothing of concern. I'm still continuing to have those weird dreams, those perplex dreams that even I can't even fathom what irregular whatever they are "arbitrary mind fck" sorry, I'm just starting to feel uninterested in my dreams. The fact that they make me more tired when I wake up makes it even worst? On a regular basis, I pray before going to sleep, I enjoy talking to God the fact that He's just there and will tirelessly listen to your every whine and idea. Isn't He just the best :) Dear Lord, I love you so much and I am thankful for each passing day that you have given me, it is truly a blessing! Ciao amis

2010-10-17T10:14:00.001-06:00

I can't believe this, but I'm already done with school (almost) knowing that I passed two of the subjects I've been dreading upon! God is so great that He has again gave me salvation. I am so thankful of his Love for me. As a result my excitement made me feel like wanting to kiss a man so passionately as a sign of victory. But then again, that's just a pigment of my imagination. I've finished almsot 5 books in less than quarter of a month, I've more to read before I can find a decent job. Plus the search of my "purpose in life". Which both my friend and my "fellowship email adviser" have instructed me to talk to God and ask Him what He really wants for me. And another sigh just escape my mouth..Its been two months since my last blog, I feel terrible to be not able to write about my feelings again, but then again thank you twitter :D Guess tomorrow is truly a mystery, I miss my friend Hilary from colorado, she was one good american friend. (Sigh) I'm going to stop from here, and hopefully I'll be able to log in tomorrow or whatever. Later!

2010-09-05T10:08:00.000-06:00

Am I trying to hard to overcome this battle? I've been procrastinating, its been 3months ever since I've arrived home. I haven't blogged for almost two months... I feel so lost and overwhelmed, majority of the places I've visited has left a memory from the past.

Deep inside me, I know I feel better. More relaxed and probably more eased compared to before, I feel like I'm haunting myself with this random flashbacks... All of a sudden, my dreams feel like there crashing down and being flush down the drain.

I had a plan, a plan to write a Letter for my future husband, stating random facts about whats happening to my darkest time. I've finished two books over the course of two weeks, and I've been dilly dallying too. I've been forgetting some details too lately... :c I feel anxious that I'm losing touch of my good memory.

--My laptop too is almost giving up on me..

I need to crash.. time is too limited for me to recap the recent events in my life...

I need to focus, but probably I am trying too much that I'm losing grip on to what I should do first..

2010-07-15T08:35:00.000-06:00

I'm about to just type my entry and suddenly I yawned and got teary eyed. Both my limbs are getting worst, and they are really getting soar now... I want to cry but instead I prefer to pray and sleep it off, right at this moment one of my closest college friend is on labor, I guess its sort of "advance" that she's about to push out the baby since according to her the estimated delivery is 27th. a week and 2 days ahead of schedule. Isn't it nice?

People giving new life, this little thing that grows inside of you... right now I can't still picture it clearly; how it will eventually happen to me. Whats inside my head is just: school, balance friends and family, party/ socializing and God.

Yesterday was just unexpected, the Black out and Typhoon...
I felt more empty and strange, but I had a couple of textmates that night of the black out till day..

I guess I should sleep...
I'm not making any sense inside my head.

ciao

2010-07-11T09:13:00.001-06:00

I really want to stop thinking about you, I swear... I still feel like this walking zombie, as far as I know I'm here but my presence feels so empty..

I've been meditating for days now, and still I haven't found the answer to this questions... I thought that letting go of things would actually help me: but it was a wrong judgement instead they were misinterpreted actions. I don't want to be selfish anymore, I want to take a new leap in my life.

But I feel so scared, scared about God and how he will judge me on what I will do.

One of my close friend told me: if I'm ready to serve the Lord I should be able to let go of whatever I have;

what am I doing?

I've detached myself from using much of the computer: YM, Facebook etc. My cellphone now is purely for communication with my colleagues and friends, using the car is more like my transportation to school- house and vice versa, I don't demand for attention anymore, I keep a quiet and still life, I do not shop or ask money... etc

I need to talk to someone, I feel that I'm willing to change now... but here I am, Lost and empty no one to direct me, except God.

I got a message from him and it felt really strong and bold and it was:

" I am the good sheperd" John 10:11

at the end, the quick prayer was "Loving God, help me to be better, more faithful sheep. Amen"

:c I'm so confused... I'm starting to hate myself more and more...

(screams inside her head while closing her eyes)

2010-07-08T09:57:00.001-06:00

I enjoyed dinner tonight, it was my mom's birthday celebration, I had a Pan Fried Sole with buerre rouge *very french*. I bet she's happy that my dad is still here for her birthday and that surely made her day. I'm feeling this short tension and its just sad that my dad is having problems getting his passport back from the Canadian Embassy and he can't leave the country and all the bad things are laid out. Were quite freaked and still hoping that he can still make it, if not... it will be a problem... I guess God wants to send us a message regarding this event in our life... One is: patterns can be broken, second: plan ahead of time, in which procrastination is just not right..
(took out her earplugs and checked cellphone)

I feel quite sad, I know I have a happy family and well supported needs.. but when you really think about it- it gets tougher when you know your just alone in this battle.

Right at this moment, I feel that God wants me to feel alone right now

to keep myself from not doing any bad nuisances.

{takes a deep breath}

When you think you've already stopped yourself

from being engulfed by life...

A series of events, what is universally acknowledge as the "uniform process"

I feel so sleepy and tired...

Dear God,

I know that you are still and will be the only one who can guide me through this path, Lord God give me the grace and wisdom to understand you every passing day that I will be living upon. You are and will be the only being who can Judge me and who can Judge other people. I love you so much God!

ciao

2010-07-06T08:52:00.000-06:00

My friends wisdoms are just too contradicting... I want to slice my self into halves-- just to garner both my goals: I'm still lost.. and preferably I'd want to be found sooner or later.

I've slightly revised my plans for this school year; which is after this last semester of school I will be attending either Makati Shangri La or Intercontinental Hotel and thats is final.

Then again.. I've lost track again..

what department should I work for?

Am I ready to really enslave myself and be an underdog for some people inside the kitchen?

I saw bessie today, she sort of made half of my day.. aside from talking to mika wherein she told me that may be "I'm just bored" and I need to do a "list" wherein I can keep myself busy from getting bored. Then my other friend contradicted; she told me not to "over plan" my life... and Now I feel discouraged, she would even joke to me that I should not be materialistic. It was quite silly, I just admitted to both my girls that I'm planning to save up for a "porsche" and thats really one of my goals now in life. [now I feel childish]

:[ I feel so down.. my spirit level is just so bland and tasteless, my energy seems to be stale like a warm beer. I miss someone, my sister just spitted out spontaneously thought that I should have a goal to have a boyfriend by the end of my last semester... Whats with the pressure, its too much tension and I feel that I wouldn't want to force any issues!!! I just remembered, that Bessie asked me about mr.him and I-- and instantly I sort of lied... or I guess its true... told her we don't talk [because its so damn true]

Now I wonder, what would happen to my life if I get pregnant at the age of 22? Hopeless--- total H lees

sleepy... I'd bayonet myself to sleep.. {too much anger}

Dear God,

Please continue to guide me...

2010-07-05T09:29:00.000-06:00

I miss the ambiance of Peace and serenity... I'd usually feel this with somebody, secured and loved. -all is a flop a big fat lie.

I placed ear plugs in my drums to conceal noise in my surrounding

2010-07-05T08:57:00.001-06:00

*disclaimer: sad and melancholic aura*

I cant believe its my 170th post for this blog, spending valuable time just to type my inner self in cyberspace for all the world to see and read.

I feel so confused lately, often times things just don't match anymore... its like an old house trying to be strong even if the foundation is weakening and in order to fix it up the facade just keeps on changing but the foundation slowly dilapidates. It slowly depresses me that I just keep on failing, even if I try still I'm not successful.. my door is knob less, nobody can seem to enter, like of the great wall of china- impenetrable. Instead of being self less I act as somebody selfish... like of a ice, cold and frozen. I'm reflecting upon myself again, my guess is that its because I just finished my period. I usually think of myself as somebody who does not care what others think of me, at the same time that I do not need to take notice of their existence.

I don't trust myself anymore, I do not trust me at all...

I have low tolerance for patience and concentration.. Only if I can revoke my whole being, I would... but all I can do is to accept and accept..

acceptance is the new key to victory

I don't know, I want to just give up to stop hurting the people I thought I was giving care to...

family, friends, work and future relationships.. personal battles..

Dear God,

I feel so empty, I pray that you will fill me with your love and grace.

ciao

2010-07-04T10:32:00.001-06:00

I feel so unwanted... its strange but I feel inside me that its true. Not all people can understand me, not all people would even mind to try to understand me. I

ts very unnecessary that I try to be selfish, or even act one... I am really destroying my whole self now.. and by doing so, I prefer to detach myself to my love ones. Often times now, I feel emotionless as if pain, sorrow, happiness doesn't really exist anymore. I didn't want to believe it at first, eventually it be came stronger and more powerful.

My anger is still fiery and can still cause whip lash to other people. I've terminated patience in my system, which is why I find myself very pitiful as if I'm hopeless...

Still when I needed a friend to talk or call onto, still a few people would response and those are the special ones. God still stands by me, and I am grateful even if He doesn't directly talk to me, I
know inside myself that I'm repetitive and that small details still cause a dime. I feel so out of myself lately, I'm so confused that I don't know what I like and not like anymore. I felt that God whispered to me that I need to put Him in the center of my life, but with this kind of luck and unfortified faith.. The devil still tries to lure me every time, the most recent trap it caused me is that I have caused pain to someone, nonetheless I knew it was gone and I've already accepted my destiny.. I felt so hurt that I placed turmoil on somebody else.. I

felt at the moment to just stab myself directly to the gut for an instant kill..

God, got mad at me.. I'm confused-- I hate myself, but God didn't want me to hate myself but instead He wants me to accept and to ask for forgiveness.. I can't remember if I accounted myself as somebody perfect at all [I hate myself] I had a lot of questions and those questions always hindered me from wanting to know why it happen or how come..

Both my membranes are just so tired and wants to give up, a little of tears run down without emotions being painted.. and now my eyes are growing tired its way way pass my bed time.. and I only have one answer left in my head: silence myself

ciao

2010-06-28T09:15:00.002-06:00

I ask myself why I get so moody and tempermental, I hate myself for it. It disgust me to realize who I am, total whip lash and brutality is just pasted upon me.. As if I wasn'st cursed enough..A couple of minutes ago, I talked to my close friend and we just quickly talked and updated each other..

Through the course of time, I reflected upon the observations and learnings I have acquired. Its quite direct and awkward, but rather I feel this sense that I am slowly getting more mature. Highly noticeable since two of my friends has already agreed.

I'm using my blackberry again, I close my eyes and I couldn't agree more to the image inside my head "a white haired granny who scratches her head while she closed her eyes" Its impressive, mature? Hopefuly I can dig me some witty prospect: maybe a Doctor?

Ciao Bella

2010-06-26T09:35:00.002-06:00

What can I contribute to human society, aside from being a part of the whole ecosytem? I ask myself everytime how can I discover my self better, will I be stuck in this state. Rather I dwell upon this irrelevant thoughts, thinking they give entertainment in one's self. I believe that I'm contended with just being the low and self centered individual since causing pain to others brings joy to my life.. Yet I beg to fight the demons inside of me. Which resulted to self isolation and boredom. More time to think over issues, I can't believe how classical music calms me down. Problems, troubles, hurdles..Just a couple of months to go and I'm off this neat place again, God I will continue to abdide by your ways. I know that with your great power nothing will be impossible.Ciao bella

2010-06-21T07:24:00.000-06:00

Planning ahead:

target location after graduation, since I'm wild and free from anything. I'm planning to take my third internship.

K.L. Le Meridien
Amanpulo, Pamalican Island
Somewhere in Australia

I'm over working my head again, and I'm planning to either work or just do another internship again for experience. The more the merrier, more diversion and clearing of head...

Makati Shangri La
Makati Intercon

I hope I'll be able to find another person, whom I can talk to...

just now, my sister is fighting over the phone with her boyfriend...

bad old days..

ciao bella

p.s.

Eclipse is near!! exciting!

2010-06-20T09:07:00.001-06:00

I'm doing my blogging via my blackberry, it feels so posh and updated. I just feel so lazy right now that I have been letting go of a lot of things nowadays, for starters: No facebookNo YMNo laptopNo cellphonesNo cameras No pspWhat have I be come to now? I'm technically and literally detaching my self from the whole matrix. As you can see, now I'm blogging in my BBI saw an old email, I browsed through it and read it.. I feel so mean that I truthfully believe now that its because of me. I'm the problem, I'm like a pest.. Now that I have touched on this reality, I can no longer shook the thought. I suck, I see no worth in me.. I know God will get mad at me as soon as I finish doing this entry.Wht 500 days of summer?Why have you shown me reality yet again.I'm so happy that, I have only one class tomorrow. More time for thinking!!Mood swing, incomingBerserk mode

2010-06-16T08:22:00.000-06:00

somewhere around the world their is a right man for every girl....

What a legendary quote to be shared, I'm currently watching a TCM and this really classical movie by Gene Kelly. I adore this type of movies, the dancing and singing.

Classes has just recently started, everything seems to be abnormally normal; everything fits perfectly into the puzzle piece. Yet its so disturbing, a big part of the picture continues to lack... Again this morning, I had a terrible dream... I almost cried, but instead I just prayed soon after I awoke from sleep. I talked to God continuously as I calmed down.

I just closed the TV. I feel like a half empty glass...

Today feels like a disaster that just be came a miracle and still made its way as a pretty normal day; nonetheless even if that event happen it turned out to be something I can again keep as an experience. Now I'm starting to bore myself, the fact that I'm yawning...

This afternoon, I was telling myself how I can repay my parents back... since their starting to ask for refunds and would want them to pay them back... I feel so abandoned.. as if every emotion has been stripped off from my entire human system. Like everything that is being thrown at me, is ricocheting on its own.

No Facebook. No Yahoo Messenger. No Games. No Boyfriend. Less Cellphone.

I'm not actually angry at a certain person, but instead I'm angry at myself... I feel like I'm destroying myself, and I'm also stopping myself from doing it.

change...

how self destructive... I beg not to be bi-polar, I beg not to be narcissistic, I beg not to be a patriot, I beg not to be pessimistic. I beg not to feel immune..

I close my eyes, and future career is what is playing inside my head.. return the money... parents... debts.. never ending problems.

Dear God,
I pray that you give me grace, I don't want my old life back. But instead, I pray for something better than it... Thank you and I love you.

2010-06-09T08:56:00.002-06:00

how contradicting...
My sister is listening to Justine Bieber, which is One Time.

[Blah]

How does love go about anyway...

2010-06-09T08:53:00.000-06:00

Idiocy is for the naive..

Again, here I am... with bare emotions. just finished yawning- teary eyed. Everyday I continue to believe that everything will be alright, even if rapture is near- or should I say soon to come..

Is death better than waiting for the apocalypse?
I remember telling my friend last night that I miss talking to someone, miss talking to a person whom I can confine my pain too.. Most of the time, I keep myself busy. Its not that its against my will, but instead I still pursue into putting my efforts into it. Having a boyfriend is still a long term goal for me...

After this semester, I'm planning to disappear again... Its an actual harsh decision, I've lost hope and is not expecting anymore. Tribulation I encounter everyday is a struggle to always get up on my feet and continue with what is ahead of me. Sometimes I want to cry but I feel so emotionless again; which is bad.

I watched V for Vendetta yesterday, Inglorious Bastard and today 2012... The pattern seems funny, all seem to link to one context which is somewhat political and truly they were. Truly, I am so amazed at how God can make me see into things...

Yet here I am... the hopeless person, where is the key to my hope?

[yawn]

ciao bella

2010-06-08T09:39:00.000-06:00

Ang alam ko, mahal kita pero hindi ako umaasa ng kahit ano. Gusto ko ganto lang.

I'm growing sleepy and tired, just came home from my friend's house and we chatted for about two hours or catching up with the seven months that went by. I've realized many things, yet I can't put it into words... I feel so helpless right now, my eyes are getting weaker and weaker as I type away.

zzzz...
yawn

It has officially started again, and I want to exclude myself again to humanity. The good old isolated me.

One goal, One aim, One God.

ciao bella~

2010-06-06T09:46:00.002-06:00

Last night was just unavoidable, seriously? Drinking out and partying... just realized its not my thing anymore, it felt like it was wrong as if fitting yourself in a really nice top yet you don't look good on it. A lot of things crossed my mind last night, I even thought about this guy that I like because we were around Makati area in Jupiter street and he would tell me that he usually hangs out there. No chance of luck, we didn't push through and stayed in Fiamma because it was kind of boring and the place was just dead and to think that was already 11:30pm.... Then we decided to go to Timog and settled for a place called Dolce; its this super club in north that people from there goes to.

Yet again, I attempted to break out of my coffin and stayed out and chillax with other people... The crowd was a party place but it was more like mixed people not like in Fort but we stayed. It was a different feeling, I had the urge of this trying to avoid the alcohol and partying.... Whenever I go to the toilet and boys would check me out, I would look straight and avoid eye contact... I felt so strict and emotionless. The whole time, I would talk to Kuya Jess inside my head and pray calmly and tell him: "I can do this, avoid it" The carbon monoxide from cigarettes -was just polluting my eyes and I was starting to get all droopy... I finished my san mig light, and changed to the Gilbey's Green Tea; which I said was my favorite.... The music was lively and it enticed me to dance and move around, then my sister's friend starts to annoy me at first I was like "Yeah I'm cool"... as time went by he starts to pinch my arm and would ask me if I was alright and I kept a cool face and repeated my answer. That actually happened like may be 8 times or so, and he would also poke my sides... I was in control, and continuously prayed mentally.

The night was fast, we actually went home at around 5am..... It was just not right, didn't felt right. or maybe because I wasn't used to it? The whole ride going home, the guy kept on touching my hair and would tuck it in my ear and would touch my shoulder and he would slide his hands to my hair... I felt grossed out... I wanted to cry and shouted for help, I wanted my old boyfriend to come rescue me but nothing so instead I continued to pray to Kuya Jess... My head felt heavy, I started to feel sleepy... As soon as I got home, I washed up and prepared for bed. The sun was almost up, the birds were chirping.. I felt uneasy, I slept the whole day and woke up at 4pm, ate my late lunch and took a bath and got ready for church... During church, I asked for forgiveness. It was so not right the whole thing.... But I tried.

Now, here... I lay... with my sleepy eyes, and would drown myself to dreams...

ciao bella

2010-06-03T09:47:00.000-06:00

I don't know who actually to blame for this "uncertain feeling", life is just getting tougher and tougher.But then again, whenever I remember my retreat and its moral lesson of:

Tanggap lang ng tanggap

Ironic as it may sound, but acceptance feels like greed. The more you accept, the more you don't get satisfied. Who am I to question once belief.

After doing what I did, just a couple of minutes ago, it was suppose to make me light.... but my self destruction mode turned up and blew my who momentum.

It sucks to be me, I need to get my self esteem back--- which I think should be near. School is starting... and it sort of sucks. :[

I'm getting so tired, to the point that I fall asleep already while doing this entry. yawn....

BIMK:

Basta Ikaw Mahal kita! :D

The day has ended, and another day has been reborn..

2010-05-26T16:10:00.000-06:00

Back in manila..

It never occurred to me that this feeling for returning to the home soil will not be desolated, I can see my stuffs just hanging out and I left them untouched and haven't stowed them away. Its 6 in the morning, I woke up around quarter to 6 to take a leak; the feeling of home still awfully the same. Reality is kicking in slowly and I'm getting fixated with all of it, I'm getting too overwhelmed with it and its not so easy.

I woke up from this slightly awkward dream and it was pretty disturbing I couldn't explain how it felt like but the person who confronted me with a revelation makes it even worst. He put up a face of confidence and directly say: "I'm going to find you a soulmate" (blah blah) the person in the dream left me far far behind already.

I need to start my diet, I feel uncomfortable with my size and appearance... I'm guessing my period is near thats why my hormones are changing again and so as my mood. I sense more change and I'm trying to want to believe in those unspoken events.

I want to cook and I want to bake, yet this weather makes me uneasy and cramped.

2010-05-17T09:14:00.000-06:00

In great awe I saw this korean drama called "A man called God" and to my amazement the main character strongly resembled as him:

ahhh... how disturbing naman...
it was so random, apparently I was watching this random korean shows...
TT_TT

2010-05-17T08:41:00.000-06:00

This curse, I don't understand it very well or I don't even know how exactly how its suppose to end but it feels as if though your just stuck there. Freedom or equity does not exist in the atmosphere, as if the air that you breathe is only a lease from an untouchable. Its been awhile since my last post again, I'm beginning to feel this aura of remiss that a lot of us are damned with.

The world continues to spin, yet a lot of people haven't still understood how they're life works out. Congratulations to me I think somehow I've gotten half way to my life surmise, I'm not dully educated as to compare with students who aces most of their required subjects; yet I'm still in mediocrity self assigning myself to be amidst in both competence and incompetence. I am bewildered by my ability to seek thorough detail in my life, I can't escape the fact that I remember a lot of aspects and could easily input and adjust it in my system. My world view has changed, and will constantly continue: adjusting and reconfiguring myself to be placed cleanly and discretely in the system. Its a shame I haven't been reading books lately, self educating myself is the only key how I can survive in this environment; like what I said constant adjustment constant reconfigure. I miss a lot embodiment in my said life, I don't feel any remorse for leaving them though it makes me cripple day by day.

Here I am, adjusted and reconfigured to last for a couple of months. Easily wounded easily healed. They've always say that you have your own "choice"

6 days until my return to manila, sanity is creeping over my shoulder. Yet another environment to be familiarize with again.. I want to scream to the world "I want my old life back" but what difference will it make, it continues to spin and pause for no one.

2010-05-10T21:14:00.002-06:00

I saw a picture of Ben Barnes in GQ: pak! Super handsome!!! Insanely just insanely attractive, those nice long hair and charming facial features... oohlala!

These past few days are just plain random and disturbing, the boys in my dreams are hunting me... like their so real yet so unreal... it feels like a new sign, yet its not a sign... there's no conspiracy? Okey... let me try to plot it out, 4 years ago I had a relationship then had to cut it and delete the memories and that was summer I came back from a vacation.... had a new love that bloomed again.. then eventually died again, yes thats the soulful perfect word: DIED!
-now, here I am ended a relationship again and I'm coming home from a vacation again? so is it possible that I'm-- okey lets keep it into that kind of mystery, I don't want to make premature analysis. Besides, I should already know which are the best assets to keep a relationship fit and healthy then again I hope I wont forget my precarious strategies and would have to mobilize them if ever I'll get a chance. Oh fuck, what the hell am I saying again... there we go, all the intense brain is working again... crap crap crap, I'm so tired of this lame redundant thoughts, its giving me a headache... plus my nape continues to ache, I guess I'm going to crash now..

ciao bells

2010-05-07T23:12:00.000-06:00

Got to make this quick, theres no real reason actually behind the being "quick" gotta go thing... hah! I just finished watching a movie with my brother: "13 going on 30" it was pretty cute... I know its very child-like the romance was just too darn too good to be true, I'm not quite certain if I already made an entry about that movie but any how: it sure did hit it a spot there... right in that left corner that beats constantly to pump the blood out of me. I admit I'm not a good writer or a person who has good grammar, its just that for the past couple of years I would try to revive this blog of mine to keep me alive.

Meaning, this the only outlet where I can put my thoughts down... I'm quite pathetic and cliché, the thought of me just listening to "Friday I'm in love by The Cure" just goes to show its so coincidental. I want to get over this thoughts, I don't want to dream of this boys anymore and let me even think of "love"--- hence I don't actually want to be pressured with this thing called "love". May be I've gone mad already in terms of being a "hater" well you can also put it like that. I miss a lot of things in my life and I don't want to enumerate them, frankly I'm lost... I feel like a lost child in the woods.

Earlier in the morning, I went to the Den and browsed through books and just wanted to grabbed a really good book and relax and let my head calm itself down. Its more of like I want to go home and place myself to something familiar and lay there until time lapse. The book I randomly picked up was just right: "The Peter Principle" perfect for the "mood swing". I currently feel my eyes welling up again, I'm injecting myself with the thoughts of "no regrets, whats done is done". I'm condoned to this feeling... insanely empty and cold. Three words eight letters. What makes it even harsh is that, I feel that the month of May is drawing closer to me.

crashing smoothly on the bed, this sure did help me.

2010-05-03T08:18:00.000-06:00

What a Monday morning

Thinking it was just an ordinary morning, you wake up peek through the window and there were droplets of rain trickling down then get off the bed and go straight to the bathroom and sit on the cold toilet. Doing my usual morning routine; washing my face with cold water as soon as I toweled and dried up I darted down stairs to eat my morning breakfast. Again the usual I went through the pantry to get the cereal box; checked the expiration dates of the cereals took the latest box and emptied it out, not knowing it was almost empty I got another box and opened it again then went through the ref to pour myself a milk to my surprise the people finished the milk and I thought to myself to just pour a chocolate soy milk. I was munching away with my cereals I saw my aunt entering the hall way and greeting me a pleasant "good morning" and telling me that her pillows from her patio got soaked last night due to the light rain fall. I minded my own business and munched on my cereal and took an ample slice of poppy seed bread, I sat down on the breakfast counter still munching away when my aunt suddenly shouted "Oh My God" then she repeated the phrase again and I was saying "you lost your trade again or did the DOW went down?" then she repeated again and tears started to fall.

My mom suddenly started to rush toward her, then my mom said "what happened tell me what happened" then my aunt said "Sean is dead, Inda's son is dead" and she added "anong meron ba sa mga bata ngayon" -- so I back flashed and remembered he was the fireman. My aunt continued talking while she was breaking down, she said that the young man committed suicide then my mom continues to cry because of thoughts about my brother. I didn't know how to react during that 5 minutes that I was there, I continued to eat my breakfast being an empty me I didn't know how to feel... there were no tears coming out of my ducts, nor what to feel about Tita Inda's lost. Hence, this feeling of grief I never liked it... it slowly envelopes you holistically then makes you sob till your eyes hurts. I know that feeling very well that right now my chest hurts and my eyes are starting to water again. Now all I can do is to be stunned and bite my lower lip... now I'm hearing again this story over and over again. I'm here near the speaker phone, over hearing my aunt's story over and over again... My mom is in front of me now, saying that we should not let my younger brother know about the story.

Here I sit infront of my laptop, to my right is the window.... its so real that I feel grief in the air and its so melancholic... I don't like it, and I am so disgusted with it...

[pause, because my mom is talking with me about my brother]

Really I don't know how to react with this... I guess I am not ready to face a lot of things when I get back to Manila. So here I am... hearing all of this problems and stories, them not knowing: I'm trying to fight away this serious "Depression" inside of me. As I fight away this tears that wants to fall out of my eyes my chest is starting to hurt.

Fine, what I do not know wont hurt me... I don't want to know... okey let me be clueless then. Now that time is lapsing again, my heart is pounding at the thought of me embracing my new life when I get back to Manila. How do I recover from loneliness? Why does depression even exist in this world?

I sit and as I gaze outside the window I try so hard to understand why this things evolve inside our head, an hour has already passed ever since I started my entry. I don't like falling into this pit of depression thats why I must fight it, your emotions are always there... they complete you then they let you crash on your own. Spiritually God will be the one who will guide me, when all else fail... who is there to catch me? It hurts to think when you know your already lost.. who do I run to aside from God?

making it worst.. the sky is very gloomy and dark... every detail makes it even worst.

2010-04-20T21:28:00.002-06:00

Honesty is the first chapter in the book of wisdom. Thomas Jefferson

I guess life gets complicated when we think of it as something complicated? I can't stop thinking about my future, every time my mind goes idle.. it instantly goes to this other page about my "Future".. Its pretty frustrating that I'm so fixated about my future.

[currently listening to a ballad song]
The song has very strong emotions..

What should I do in order to avoid this thoughts again? Why do I always need an escape pod?
should I:

read a book?
exercise?
bake a muffin?
sleep?
initiate a conversation with friends?
do the photo album project?

-> I miss someone singing me love songs... I do actually miss someone in particular, even though he sings randomly.. but his voice is pretty sweet in the ears, ahh.. here I go again?

random:
I like being malandi... I don't know why, but I don't really show it publicly that I enjoy doing it. But I'm planning to remake myself when I go back to manila ;)

oh: here's a photo I randomly saw of Nickhun

he is one good piece of meat :D

nom nom.... I saw his body in one of his picture....

Why o why...

haha!

seriously he is one irresistible good looking man?

I read his bio earlier... and woah, he has gone a long way... multi-talented.

Oppp oppp... stop right there Lyleee....

back to reality?

Its actually hard to try to avoid temptation, but Hey! Look at me, I'm "almost" at the end of my race?.......

psh...

my sweet decadent lover is waiting for me back in Manila...... Whoever you are!!! I hope its not... [murmurs to herself]

am... sleepy, yet its only 9:26pm in Denver... if its Keystone it might be like 7pm? haha!!! but here in East coast its 11:26pm... I hope I wont have nasty dreams again. I hate it when he goes to my dream? Come on... he is long gone? and he already moved on and has forgotten about me.. What gives?

Ciao bella

2010-04-18T21:34:00.001-06:00

Okey okey here's the deal... I can't seem to get over the fantasy of being treated as a "princess" a couple of hours ago I was at my cousin's house and I couldn't just get over the fact that his Husband "Dan" is just so sweet with her. I know physical attraction doesn't count as a factor (as others put it) he was just like a "koala" and I was so envious that I just hid it inside the realms of my colorful mask.

Yes, I do admit that I miss being treated like a princess.... I remembered Sang Woo, a friend of mine. We went shopping that day and I had a shopping bag, then I just told him to carry it... And he was like, "Are you a princess?" and I instantly answered him "Yes" and so he just took it and he was cursing in Korean but he still carried it. [Pretty sweet actually] -damn I couldn't get it out my system anymore TT_TT

I'm listening to Phoenix right now at the radio, I am so enjoying the mood of this beautiful house right now. The quiet & peaceful ambiance, I feel so independent here and I have a wide space all just for me... but my other relatives are arriving in days... I'm sort of disappointed but what the hell... I can't have everything I want, right?

n'est il pas ce droit?

Going back... I miss having a leech for a boyfriend... oh wait, let me rephrase that, I miss having a leech type boyfriend. But hey? Come on, I shouldn't even be thinking about this again.... (frukc)

Tomorrow will be exciting, I'll be meeting with my old friend Kaye; the last time I saw her was her 20th birthday of last year. :)

Oh btw, I went to New York today... I stayed at my aunt's apartment and surfed the internet-- took a nap and went with my cousin at her place a couple of blocks from that apartment... Ate yummy steak & broccoli sprouts and some salad. Then after dinner, my aunt called already and told me to go back at the apartment already, so after dinner I bid my cousin good bye & thanked her for the delish dinner. Then went on my way, at first I was like just walking and just went on whatever street... then my right ankle started to get hurt [because I was speed walking trying to make a New Yorker pace] haha how ridiculous?

After I packed up my laptop and camera we left the apartment and started walking to Grand Central to catch the train going back to Stamford. Uhh... we were so lucky that we were able to catch the 9:07 train, as soon as we got inside we passed by like 3-4 cars because she didn't want to stay in a noisy car and etc... So we ended up sitting with this young man something like may be 19 to 20 ish, looked like a Lifty from Keystone, same get up & all. [How I miss Keystone already] I felt that he was eying me from his peripheral gaze and also through the window (I mean come on he was looking outside, but it was so dark and couldn't even see anything because the train was too fast) Anyways, I guess he didn't talk with me because I was with my aunt... I was actually thinking of offering him a gum.. but my aunt was there... plus it seem awkward. [haha] lame, good thing I didn't do it.

voir, I'm going to crash already... Need to get up early... may be to run some errand or something?

ciao bella

2010-04-16T20:50:00.000-06:00

Do you save yourself before saving others?

Ice cream doesn't seem to help me anymore, it doesn't take a way my emptiness anymore. I think I need to seek help, and I believe I'm ready to go to a psychiatrist. I don't want this hole to eat me alive...
(My head just suddenly start to spin)

Sooner or later, I need to find the right outlet for my depressive state... I'm really scared truly, I'm scared to be alone and to live my life not being loved my someone.

What can life offer to me while I work hard in surviving one? Its driving me nuts. I was temporarily stripped off from the people and things I love to work hard and earn hard and fulfill my lifetime experience that will change my perspective towards the holistic sense of living in one. Material things are temporary yet we work hard in achieving to buy or get them.

2010-04-16T20:27:00.000-06:00

I think my life just suddenly sank... it sank in a point wherein, I believe

my future
my family
my friends

Can't it just be simple? Why is life eating me alive, how can it be

"Save"

I was telling my aunt early since we had a talk, as soon as my internship ended: I had to plan ahead already for my future. Every single day that has passed, my life will just continue and I will continue to grow older... My short term & my long term goals should still be polished and be set into place.

But now, where am I? Who am I going to be when I go back to my country? Will I be a snobbish person who would not look back on what had brought me to my current state?

Is patriotism erased in my vocabulary already? Is it the end of my state of peace? It seems like I have a lot of questions inside my head that I couldn't even figure out anymore. In the first place, why is the word "satisfied" even existed if almost everybody wants to always excel and out do the last job. Life gets even more complicated while you continue living in one, I'm torn in between whether to pursue a job that I'm based outside the country where I was born.

I feel that I need someone already, I badly need someone whom I could talk to with this queries that is bothering me. But in the end, they say that "Your the only one who can help save yourself"

Why is reality check always keeps on knocking my happiness down... Is there a person who is happy in this world?

But I do know one thing: I believe deep within my heart, that there is a God. The Almighty one who stays with us and whom He will not let us bring us down. All the riches in the world will not give you happiness, a problematic person is unhappy because he can not have what he "wants".

I've recently reflected on myself that in life we should not buy things unless we really "need" it, if you can survive your life without having that certain "thing" it means you don't need it. Sometimes I want to ask the Almighty one, why he structured a man's life truly complicated. A lot of aspects in life should be put into factor that "this can not work properly" because of this and that....

[I looked out at the window, and I see drops on rain sliding off the window. The sky is crying yet again.... after almost 5 months, this is the only time again that I saw rain]

I want to be honest will myself, I'm scared... truly and sincerely

I'm scared, whats next in my life? What should I do now already? Its hard to figure out whats going to be next in my life. Have I fully changed already? (took a deep breath)

[Its cold in my aunt's house, I'm at her entertainment room]

Now, I'm left by myself again, getting fixated on how I'll run my life after this trip... The question stuck in my head now is:

how should I face reality when I come back?

My temporary escape has come to an end
As I arrive: how do I deal with other peoples questions?
Should I continue to progress while others are stuck in regression
I do not want reality to eat me alive

Dear God,

I believe that you exist, being a human down in earth is very complicated. A lot of sacrifices are made, too much heart ache and temporary joy are gambled. I will pray so hard for grace, Lord God I pray that I will find the right answers through you.

Finally

2010-04-13T23:24:00.000-06:00

I'm already in Denver, I haven't checked some stuffs lately... due to being placed in a townhouse with my other 3 friends; but the 2 left already so we moved in again at the main house. My two korean friends already left yesterday morning, and I feel pretty sad about it...

:[ I've really learned how to let go... and thanks to those two peeps, letting go and detaching myself with something you think you wont be able to let go? Did I even made sense?

For the past two days; I've been driving around here in Denver and --- my driving skills are still good and not bad at all? :)) Plus, it was my first time to pump gas :p check this picture:

I miss Julia & David already...

I'm sleepy... I think I'm not making any sense anymore... :[ flying out this thursday for NY; can't wait to see my old friend and my aunt plus my mom & brother in 1 week... :]

ciao bella~

4 days left- Good Bye Keystone

2010-04-04T00:36:00.000-06:00

I guess I should feel euphoric right now, since this internship will be over and my hardship will be over pretty pretty soon.

The experience I got here changed a lot in my personal holistic point of view, I can't find the proper words to explain how I feel right now.

But I'm pretty sure, Its MIXED Emotions.

"Moving in takes time, now moving out seems even harder"

I took this pictures just a couple of minutes ago, and now as you can see the stuffs are almost empty again a big hole is being placed in my heart again.

Now, a new chapter has closed again in my life. I feel sad, truly.

So where do I start again in my life? Everything seems to be like a scrambled eggs again. Where did I last stop? Right now, I just can't wait to be with my mom and a good old friend of mine.

At night, I would dream of this random events and people that would just simply play inside the realms of my fake-world. But eventually I would just wake myself up, because I chose not to believe in nothing of it at all.

P.S.

Never give up, do not lose hope yet do not keep your hopes to high

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.
Buddha

Goodbye Keystone~ Hello Denver SOON

2010-03-30T01:58:00.000-06:00

So, my last day of work will be on Avril 7'....

yeeeeh; I can't wait... :D
sooo excited, I just need to be more patient.

-After Keystone- Denver
-After Denver- New York
-After New York- Manila?

But wait, from what I know... I'm pretty excited for Manila? Even though I don't really know what to expect,
---hence, I don't want to keep my hopes way too high...

A lot of people are waiting for me,

even Mr. Right Time?

=giggles!!

too much euphoria in my head..

head spinning,

yawn yawn,

will be working tomorrow again.

I'm going to miss a lot of things here in Keystone,

I hope I learned & applied a lot of things from this experience.

ciao~~ bella

shopping?!

2010-03-25T01:12:00.001-06:00

AMP!
I went shopping with my boys today, gurr and spent ___ oh well!

So we got a baller cap today, and mine was black so that its neutral and all, and The initial was "CR"== which is Colorado rockies.. Ohaha!! I just can't stop laughing why I chose it... It sounds like Comfort Room, but since Sang Woo chose it, let him be. The three of us got the cap, Our Group cappie. haha~~

I actually bent it already :) haha!

cute chick eh?

ffff~~

Tomorrow I need to go back to old navy and return this ridiculous shirt that I bought.. ugh~

ciao amigos & migas~

salut belle

2010-03-22T00:49:00.000-06:00

My internship is almost over, which means: I'm going back soon in manila.... I feel a bit tense about me going back there, though originally I did leave a lot of stuffs back home and they were pretty much unfinish or may be it was just plain finish?

ah, what the heck.. Anyways, I'm just playing around again with my thoughts and rather than just getting a good night sleep. I have a couple of random plans in my head and they're just floating and I don't really know when to execute it. :]

I'm... happy, even though it was short & simple again.
-a side note: at work they said that I'm short but terrible, that I'm always just too strong & have this fierce attitude which makes me laugh because I guess its that obvious that I'm really a bully. Flashback; I just remember the days when I do it to yobo, awh I plead guilty on that. ffffffff~~~

I feel slightly happy, may be the fact that I'm going home? back to manila... and the sense of, just waiting for the right guy perhaps makes me more anxious about it. I may say that I'm looking forward about it.. though, I 'm not really hopeless but I believe or whatever he has gotten over me and is leaving his life peacefully with his new career and chosen path without me. My days are ending soon, a little waiting doesn't hurt, my sacrificial love for avoiding every scrumptious temptation has been set aside and thrown away. That being said, I am proud to say; I still have my pact to keep for myself.

yawn~~
the internship is almost over,

ciao yobo

Is in Aspen

2010-03-19T16:11:00.000-06:00

Im currently doing nothing right now, I am just typing away and is just playing.... with this fancy computer the hotel offers to us rigth now. Hahaha!!!!!!

And in awhile, I shall leave and will be off to the streets of this tiny town, and will take cute pictures :)

So last night, my cousin told me that when she was 22years old, she met her husband.... Hmm, pretty interesting light note though?

Does that mean that how many months from now I'll soon meet my future hubby? Awh! I miss my yobo, I dreamt about him.. :(

Ahhhhh psh, enough with the drama.

Ciao~

happy birthday me

2010-03-18T01:37:00.001-06:00

is it really happy then?

Happy 22nd birthday to me then :(

-someone special forgot to greet me... how sad.

Off to Aspen with my cousin tomorrow, hopefully I'll enjoy my alone time...

ciao~

seek and you will find

2010-02-27T02:40:00.003-07:00

I was thinking a lot for the past couple of days, particularly about my life after my internship. How I'll be able to react with the change when I come back home. It seems too soon to be thinking about it

*yawn*

Currently: Incubus sound trip

I found a pink head phone at the kitchen last 2 nights ago, and its a keeper ;) haha! Now I don't have a reason to buy a headphone or whatever, though I would like to buy an IPod Shuffle; its not that expensive about 50-ish bucks. A lot of temptations yet I will not drive myself insane from this allurement, "Resistance is not yet futile"

smoking
drinking
drugs
sex
clubbing

Those are still preventive, its not something I will further venture upon my system. Its a pretty fit stern discipline, I'm damn sure that I'll be able to complete this pact with or without prize at the end of the race. Winners will always be winners

[awh, my lips hurt!!! the sides of my lips hurts.. its like a sore and I couldn't eat properly plus my chafed hands due to washing of hands with hot & cold]

MY hands!! My used to be pulchritudinous handsss!!!

AHHH!!!

I am dumb-founded again, I feel brain dead! I just forgot what I'm about to write!!!!!!!!!

[currently singing "are you in"]

using the new pink earphones

--> I got home pretty late today, around 12:51am because I had to close the kitchen with my friend.. :s and its 2:36am!! I neeed to crash!

Its been so long since I've last wrote an entry here :( My head is so cramped; my thoughts are soooo occupied, and I am so unorganized!!! and I don't like the thought, I'm still stress!!! :]

how disturbing...

ciao~

p.s.
Its a full moon

2010-02-24T01:09:00.000-07:00

fyi...

he dropped by again my apartment just to spread his wrath and irritation and childishness..

ugh.... =(

I am so confused!!!!
I want to kick his ass, the fact that I had to shave because he told me to... UGH!!

Though my legs now are smooth and silk like!!

Dang that guy!!!

CHINA!!!

-- irritated!!

ciao!

ahhh whatta day!

2010-02-22T23:26:00.000-07:00

AGH!!!

I was just surprised today, my agenda was supposed to be grocery & post office...

But then again, I was surprised..

I kept on playing in my head that I don't want to talk to him

and I'm not going to see him...

and I will not talk to him..

BUT!

When the bus pulled over at the corner of the post office

I saw his silhouette and was sure that it was him..

So when he stepped up,

unconsciously I patted the sit next to me

and there

he was..

and sat next to me

I told him that I was going to the grocery, and asked him to go with me to the grocery.. but his plans maneuvered my day... his agenda was to go shopping: to buy himself a pair of pants at CK and buy his mom a bag at Coach... well he failed to buy him the jeans and instead I bought myself a bra from CK.. =( buhu! I'm happy with the new bra, though I feel regretful for buying it. T_T

It was weird that it was only the two of us... uhm, sort of awkward but we didnt feel weird it was pretty mutual because we can look each other straight in the eye... though, I enjoyed yet I still uncomfortable hanging out and knows how he is.. and all... I still feel not so good at all. :(

Then I was saying inside my head This is just great...

all my plans are just ruined?

But still, I think I'm getting more irritated with him.. and will not like him...

This is just elementary, the fact that I think he just see me as his sister / friendly girl friend...

ugh... please?

I don't like this..

devastated

2010-02-19T23:46:00.000-07:00

another desolating feeling again....

not happy.
:[
I feel somewhat brokenhearted, but the fact that I shouldn't even be surprised..

For sure, I'm just going to forget about the extra feeling. I feel humiliated that I'm not going to get back something, the fact that I need to just forget and move on.. another memory eraser for me.

I'm just going to rote till' I get over it again.

Happy? Vday?

2010-02-15T00:07:00.001-07:00

TODAY?
Is valentines, today was just a day.... a simple flat day?

Didn't feel the love much in the air, but when I opened my email inbox I was just overwhelmed and felt that I am loved same goes with my cellphone... people did reply to my valentines message.

Plus my final contender is GOD: he sent me this message
All is going according to plan. Trust that there is a bigger picture. Trust that life is unfolding as it should.

I guess I am pretty pleased with what I'm doing so far, the fact that I went to church and enjoyed the homily. Which the priest explained about "sacrifices" that in order for us to change, we take in every sacrifices we can do.

St. Valentine was known for his sacrifices, though I'm not familiar with his stories... I bet God's message for today is for us to do our own Individual sacrifices our own willingly sacrifices.

I may not be in-love anymore, but I believe that in God's time I will soon fall in love and will be in love with someone.

"God's personal chosen one for me"

In time I will be in good hands, and a couple of my friends back at home just misses me and wants me to go back already. I miss my friends & family, I know that a couple of things have changed and it can't be replayed in order to fix it.

(Sigh)

Sooner or later, I'll be able to figure out who I am and what this experience will give me.

Keep praying dear Princess....

waiting in vain

2010-02-12T00:15:00.000-07:00

I am most patient at this perfect moment.

I woke up early this morning, and first thing I did was to go to the toilet and went back to my bed and picked up the bible and read through the scriptures that I didn't read the previous night. -_-) so shameful.

I finally have figured out my two persona,
one: multi faceted face of me, the chronic emptiness that they would mention of being too emotional.
second: the pretend happy approach, that everything will just be fine.

Truly, my disease has affected me inevitably. Or could it just be this "homesick syndrome"? If it is, what would I be coming home to when I get back to Manila?
-friends?
-school?
-family?
-problems?

Highly a unlikable, to be going home when someone can't soothe my mild torments. Has my approach in life changed? very much...
I don't want to fall, I take it aback.

My friends and I were late for our class at the mountain, I feel embarrass that we were late... All the bad luck were with us that morning the lift operation was just too stubborn and a big hindrance to the plan. So instead we went back to my friend's apartment and we hanged out there until quarter to 3 to catch another class. We chatted, we ate lunch [my korean girlfriend cooked some hot ramen for us] after eating our early lunch, I fell asleep at my friend's bed and the two peeps = david & julia were doing computer and my roomie went back to our apartment to take a siesta... I want to stop what my thoughts are pushing me.. :{ But I can feel it, its almost the end.

[I'm currently waiting for time again, my shift is at 5pm; and I agreed with Jon to exchange with my schedule... Internally I don't like the thought, but all I can do is be humble and agree.
Its a bit cloudy outside, which means a light snow would be going down tonight, I feel sad that I'd be closing on my own tonight at the kitchen. I'm not really in favor in my working schedule, though I'm trying to ease up with it.

Right now, I guess; I'll take a little nap and do some dreaming.. This rustic lifestyle up this mountains is pretty much not so ordinary but it really does soothe my aura.

(I'll continue may be tonight or so, if I don't get lazy)

Mars is twinkling at me

2010-02-10T01:41:00.000-07:00

So i look up at my window, and I see this very very small dot that is twinkling just straight me...

Isn't it amazing how God can cheer us up?

Its funny how this day went, it was a steady and unusual day. Wouldn't actually believe that I would be watching "Twilight" again... not to mention, whenever I watch that movie I would just fall madly in love with Edward's character... even if its very fictional, yet "a girl can still dream"

Attending employee party [Fail]
Coloring my hair [Semi-Fail]
Buying ice cream [Almost-Fail]
Ignoring someone [Totally Failed]

I am really frustrated, I can't imagine how I will be able to function for the next few days... A little adjustment within my screws are definitely an option.

This morning I watched some random incubus home videos at

YouTube

and it was just hilarious

and cute

and plain fun.

Its actually nice how you

can learn a lot from

those random gags they do.

Honestly, I do miss having a boyfriend. I miss being able to care of someone I love. I know this situation is practically typical, yet after all I'm just a girl who just wants to find my very own half.

my own brand of heroine..

The fervor that I felt before, is just slowly fading away and I'm not sure how to stop it or to take control of it. Since I told myself that I will be letting it go slowly and soon. After this dream of mine, this temporary silence that I have kept myself; soon I will be facing my future [bites her lips and ponders]

What should lie ahead of me? success? failure? happiness? emptiness?

During day offs, I love giving myself a time off: take my usual pause and just lay on my bed and reflect on the things I should be preparing for.

Thought on top of my head:

I'm scared

of being left behind.. of taking a new path.. of many things in short

Now 1 Corinthians 13 hits me hard,

Clearly, I'm struggling with myself.

purpose? what is the real purpose.

what have I gained lately?

God's messages have been very strong lately, his communications and messages have been very powerful.

I chose to choose to stay with His will, and in my mind and heart I shall continue.

free fall?

2010-02-09T01:18:00.001-07:00

Today, a good news has arrived for me.

Me, as the

employee of the month?

I hardly believed it at first, since I'm always a person of in denial and I guess I am a person who doesn't like praises- I prefer to be discreet and would just always hide from the truth. In reality, the person that I am from the start will still reign over the covered mask in front of me. Tomorrow is my day off, and I got enough hours for the week. Pretty much satisfied with it, yet I have failed to show the act of contentedness towards my roomie-- I don't want to be envious, instead I just want to be contented yet I have failed to show it. It is rather displeasing for me. :[ Should really pull up my act together...

Haven't talked to the folks and friends lately, only my sister... I miss her so much, I cherish her very much since we've always bonded and have had a bad days together. Yet the fact that we are blood sisters I still care for her. I always to talk to her, and I was relived to know she is in good hands and terms with her life.. She was the one who told me, I should cherish my moment.. Which I will, since I am very thankful of it.

Never knew at all.

I've been trying to avoid David, and I dmn sure don't want to mess up his relationship and would rather not fall for him. I know his charms makes me adore him, its unethically wrong. First, I do not want to go for a person whom I think is simply adorable by just being himself.. ahh.. Whenever he sings and humms it soothes me, its like his simple random serenade which he addresses to no one yet hits me straight in the beats of my heart. Uncertainty envelopes me, I don't really know what I should like about him. Hypocrisy is just not my option, but soon I would get over it since I can't blurt it out.. =( I know I don't want to abandon my views about love, yet I am left with no choice or so to speak.

I guess, I'll have to be doomed not to like him- But I have an option:

which is...

I would close my heart from any tempting feelings such as:

finding something nice about the opposite sex
gooey eyes & smile
the almost attractive stance they do

I'm almost hopeless with this love thing, since-- over and over again I keep on telling myself I couldn't shouldn't can't wouldn't fall in love with someone. I'm not saying I'm falling in love, but free falling with someone is just nice... and when its reciprocated back its even better.

I guess, I would just have to

shun this feelings

totally ignore

My life will never be the same, the panoramic view that I would used to enjoy with my life has already vanquished together with my treasured memory.

free falling?

would you dare yourself from letting someone catch you?

I would, I believed in my heart

God will catch me in his loving arms.

A verse to share:

“[Thanksgiving and Prayer] We ought always to thank God for you, brothers, and rightly so, because your faith is growing more and more, and the love every one of you has for each other is increasing.”- 2 Thessalonians 1:3

healing or not?

2010-02-07T01:33:00.001-07:00

as you can see, my burn is almost to the scabby and I don't like the mark that it will eventually leave. ugh. huhu
damn..

=(
imperfection,
sleepy...
feeling depress again,
a spontaneous mood swing is occurring at the moment.
Good thing I don't have a boyfriend, kkk~~~~

I need my doze of ice cream
But I believe I need to lay low on the sweets
I need to really really sleep early and control my } insomniac ness }

Superbowl sunday.... Hopefully it wont drain me out, ugh. huhu

sleep sleep princess...

p.s.
I dreamed again of zombies, and yet again I am a slayer, hehe!

show me my edward :

2010-02-05T23:31:00.001-07:00

So I hang out with David again and Julia, though Julia went to bed really early so again I went to stay at david's bed. I'm so bored that I'd prefer to fool around with him and laugh. We actually looked at the "Aman Resorts" and our favorite is in Utah "Amangiri" its a great grandeur #_#

Hah, he is cute but... not like. He is not very photogenic, but lately I'm able to take candid pictures of him that is actually cute. [good for him]

I like edward type

almost to perfection
smart, thoughtful
understands the person
knows how to sympathize the girlfriend

=pya

I like Edward. :)

Show me the edward

kkk~

work sucks... I'm starting to feel weary and tired with the routine. wah~ im starting to visualize already when I work.... :(

When I get back to Manila, after my last semester at Enderun I'll do a part time job at Conti's.. Hopefully that will be exciting and helpful, as far as what I have gotten here in U.S. the speed, the styles and techniques they do in order to serve food quickly. :) The secret to "quick service restaurant" whew... I want to change outlets already...

yawn...
zzz...

simultaneous indeed...

2010-02-04T22:49:00.005-07:00

its -13 degrees celsius outside, and I am freezing now inside my room. brr.. but I guess its because I'm wearing sleeveless. [lol] I went to Julia & David's apartment to eat dinner and we cooked carbonara; I basically taught Julia how to make.
We prepared:

Carbonara
Salad with vinaigrette, and orange slices (plus honey)
Grilled pork chop

As always David enjoyed the food, he is such a kid. A perfect example of a pervert, he loves looking at breast; especially when I stay in his bed and we hang out he would look at girls picture and would just stare at breast. Good thing he doesn't say anything about me, or else I will kill him. (haha) Though he is adorable because he is so playful and thinks so reckless, though he has some downsides that I really don't like about him= One time he went to a porn site to show me something. ugh. perfect pervert.., but its cute whenever he listens to what I tell him. [hah] Awhile ago he told me to be friends with pretty girls so that I will be pretty- then he continued for me to be more pretty.

[HAH] Total dead \\ reaction, then awhile ago he told me I love you.. obviously it was a joke.. But according to julia [he never tells that to his girlfriend] haha! then he said again your so pretty pretty.. and I was just dumb founded that I ignored it.

Also he dropped by at work awhile ago, because he went to the H.R. to pick up something and I joked if he will wait for me; then he said "how long" -- yet again I was - o_o) He waited a good 30mins for me and we went home together, he didn't whine and he also accompanied me at the H.R. to pick up my SS card. [too good to be true?]

No malice intended, pure goodwill

or not?

But I'm pretty sure, I don't like him..

maybe I fancy him, a little bit.

But nonetheless he is a big turn off, whenever he talks about

other girls

the fact that he has a girlfriend.

I am currently enjoying the quiet surrounding, NO TV no Jon.. just pure lone time :)

I also realized that, "I do not have a chance with him anymore" -- I'm starting to think pessimist about it. At the end of this road, its either I win or loose without getting any prize anymore.

My batch of cards seems to suck, do I just wholeheartedly give up and take defeat and retreat for cover? I guess, it has long been decided? I have lost from start to finish.. [Nevertheless, my purity will not be given up easily]

I cut my finger for the first time, and its quite a slash with a sort of deep cut (it can actually talk) I know its sounds disgusting, but its honestly true. Haha!!

Its very amusing whenever I'm playful, though now I'm very tempted though I don't really want to go for it. Since someone will get mad at me :p

Sooo. awhile ago, the guy I sort of dig was driving the green route.. and STILL.. he still looks like a "guy next door" ugh.. hmm, hopefully I could meet him. :[ The blonde guy doesn't seem to entice me anymore. :p I'm going for the brown haired one :p

BUT!!! Someone else still reigns over them. ehem ehem.. lets not forget about him. :)) haha!

“For the word of the LORD is right and true; he is faithful in all he does. The LORD loves righteousness and justice; the earth is full of his unfailing love.”- Psalm 33:4-5

2010-02-02T23:08:00.002-07:00

Interesting, so I lost my payslip receipts today and plainly sucks... should have placed it at the locker. Good thing its direct deposit, uh.. (huhu) now I have to ask the H.R. for a big favor of printing at the receipts of my pay checks for record purpose. Buhu~~~~

so God told me this today:

God loves you with the very air you breath, the very light that touches your skin, the very ground that supports you. Love is everywhere, - melt your barriers, and you will have love in abundance.

My head is pumping extra blood again, everyday I would go home to my apartment and a sudden rush of headache will just hit me. (either because of: horrid smell from neighbors, imbalance sudden change of temperature)

Pretty deng exhausted.. seriously..

I need ice cream at the moment,
a little of licking of ice cream would be nice. [yum yum]

ice cream will change everything
every lick will change everything
sweet irresistible goodness
savour the sleek
salivating at the moment

Would definitely need to buy ice cream soon. Pretty soon.

I'm going now.

I'll be reading my devotions in awhile. :)

P.S.

I finished the book already, not a good ending.. (cliff hanger) hate those kind of ending.

[wants an amazon kindle soon]

P.P.S.

I went snowboarding today again, with Julia. XD and conquered some mountain trails, it was quite overwhelming and my knees and thighs hurts the most at the moment. :D Pretty satisfied with my performance today.

Incapacitated by the Truth

2010-02-01T23:15:00.000-07:00

incapacitated:
oh babe. I am so going crazy.

I'm thinking of going skiing tomorrow, if I wont get a slot for ski school I'll go snowboard. :)

You have to see this burn: it has gone worst!

Try to view my previous post and check my first burn (preview)

don't you love my title?
which is true, and I just don't feel happy. I'm about to finish my book, and I want an amazon kindle soon. :D I am so tempted to buy a new book again. ugh.

I'm sleepy, have to wake up early tomorrow,

and I want to finish the book now.

Tata~

gotta bounce now.

change in the hope of changing

2010-02-01T01:34:00.001-07:00

I'll stop pretending for awhile, I will try to be honest and true: one thing for sure.. I have not conquered my over sensitivity. Everyday I pray to the Lord that I could be healed with my my own cancer, its been an epidemic and it has swallowed a number of victim with it.

Truly I am mortified..

I feel that I am indebted with this ordeal, terrify potential companions with it. I just feel a shame with it, they think of me as someone else [weird, abnormal, unattractive] when they have finally see through me they start flying away. As soon as they have finally figured me out, they go straight out the door and run, and give a reason for leaving..

Obnoxious

Though the fact that I am faced with the statement "I shouldn't care less" -- as if I am doomed with not even applying how I felt. Its either I piss off or they would have to leave the room without saying anything. I'm actually hard to be figured out, its slightly on purpose but it gives a certain thrill when somebody would dare to initiate to un puzzle you out. Then when all my defenses are done and disarmed, thats the time I get attacked and get a hit really big..

I hate being compared to, especially when someone starts giving me a stereotype already... Thats why now preferably I show 4 different spaces when I'm in front of the audience. I would show them 4 different persona, in which it will be harder for me to be tackled and be unzipped from the whole casing of being.

I want to tell myself I want to quit, on the other hand: I prefer to be safe. To be the wall flower and be not tackled and scavenged for.. Not now.. not today or the following day. Instead, preferably when my true love finally finds me successfully.. I would be so grateful of it.

I'm feeling tired and sleepy: and I look like this;

p.s.

Im almost done with the book, best believe I can finish it in one seating now... Albeit I feel like sleeping now and just napping and drift away.

laters..

The clutter in me

2010-01-30T01:06:00.000-07:00

I have finally realized that I am a disorganized person, it starts through my mental capacity of storing information... (although it was pretty much intact before.) buhu
Back in Manila some of my stuffs are pretty tidy, but some are just pretty cluttered: books, paper, ballpens and all those unnecessary stuffs that are hanging out in my study table, bed, closet, shoe containers and more.

I actually feel bad, that I'm starting to also

apply it here in U.S. which I would

want to try omitting before it

gets worst?

Today, I burnt my arm

with a very very hot baking sheet

my roomie laid it on the table top

not knowing I will bump it

because of the order I was trying to finish.

) I was pretty upset (

But I don't know who to blame for it.

It definitely would leave a mark, and

absolutely looks terrible on my fair arm.

The baking sheet came out

from a 425 degrees fahrenheit oven.

Try to imagine how gruesomely hot it was.

I couldn't bewail or whimper since, was in a rush of completing the order of ticket. Plus, I did tell myself to not yammer about things anymore..

gawsh.

I'm in my sixth chapter in my book already, and I am really delighted with the story line. The fact that it keeps me reading it more and, gives me a bit of reflection towards myself.

God is truly amazing for showing me this kind of book. :D

I'm pretty much trifling at the moment, I've got to kick the old bed now. Sleeping in this bed makes me lonely for some odd reason, but I guess I need to suck it up for now.

P.S.

I tried fooling around with this cool website: where I could learn languages, and I started off with Japanese then German. Its fun and hard... and at the end just got lazy and ate dinner and read the book.

Pretty much a day for me. XD

P.P.S

It was really busy at work today, that by 4pm I wanted to go home and rest and slump back at my bed and read my book. But before going home I had to finish some tasks, and ate my breakfast and lunch at around 5-pm... The ticket just wont stop (I guess more hours for us, which is good) Whatta life I tell you, during my shift this morning after settling down and opening the kitchen and keeping some par stocks at the refs, I was awed- bewildered- blown away by the 11 top (11 covers) at 11 in the morning.. ugh. This is work.

And now..

The baby will rest.. bonne nuit

Bloodless

2010-01-29T00:57:00.001-07:00

So here I am... forcing myself to type. For a couple of days, I haven't been active in my blog to the fact That I am so lazy at the moment.
Picture this:

I am typing while not looking at the screen, so whatever i am typing im not actually seeing it. Soo... I took a picture of me a couple of minutes ago. Just so you could see what I look like... and now Im sitting up again and forcing myself

nice... no errors?

I went out today, to get my money order for my rent for the month of Feb and payment for internet and TV. After doing that errand, I went straight to the Bookstore called: "Borders"

Ever since, I love going to bookstore

it gives me a good vibe

Being a

Reader..

But the fact that Bookstores used to be

my rendezvous

with someone.

But that was before.

So I actually got a book, and I would say its a good buy. It actually took me an hour and half, just to get to choose the "perfect read" and I am thankful that I am successful. The book is called: "The Lock and Key"

I'm enjoying it at the moment.

I'm already on my third chapter, though..

I actually fell asleep awhile ago because I was tired and sleepy..

I fell asleep around 5ish or 6ish

I woke up at around 9:40pm

And now, I'm off to bed again.. I have work at 9am and will wake up early so that I could eat breakfast and read a book.

~~My roomie has been a couch potato ever since I arrived from my~~

Quiet day.

And I am actually happy, though when

I was looking around

the bookstore..

the warmth

and peacefulness

made me cry.. and just

a handful of tears

sobbed out.

I GUESS I'm still not

cured

with the emotional thing

I'm so bothered that I think

I have a

mental disease..

Unspoken Pact?

2010-01-26T01:51:00.002-07:00

currently watching Aus Open, and Celic and Roddick's last match...

deng I'm so dumbfounded at the moment... My mind just stopped, my thoughts just actually paused. [w-TFudge]

{is checking out her facebook}

I am so side tracked right now, I was suppose to write about my "pact" with someone... though its more of an unspoken pact, whats on my mind? the fact that I don't to even want to talk about the details of it, I'm guessing I would have to deal with it sooner or later. "Hope"--

the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best: to give up hope.

I was telling myself that maybe I could wait.. may be I shouldn't? When somebody tells you not to "await" or "assume"? should you believe the person?

who calls for it?

Daym... I want to know... but like what I said earlier, its unspoken?

(commercial: Roddick lost)

he actually does have the bod.

(what else do you expect, from a tennis player?)

I saw my ex-crush's photos, daym.. He is just plain handsome, ugh. Its a shame we stopped talking.

Thats the word, I can't "rely" on him... my ex-lover is relinquished from me, and I don't even know how to get him back. Or should I say: I may never get him back at all anymore.

Awh, will I grow old and prune skinned? and ALONE? no one to love me?

wah.

I hate this pact... I just really don't like it. I agree with God... I just need to listen to him.

Will go ahead and sleep, not happy.

Crack me up'

2010-01-25T02:31:00.000-07:00

okey my roomie just offlined me a message and I believe its a YM-blast thats why I'm included but: daym... I think this will get you off the hook of your chairs. HAH!

13 Corny Pick-up Lines:
Pwede pahiram ng eraser mo ? Kasi 'di ka maalis sa isip ko.
Aanhin ko pa ang gravity, kung nahuhulog na ako sa iyo.
Click mo na Facebook ko, at iki-click ko rin 'yung sa iyo, para click tayo.
I'm a bee, can you be my honey?
I lost my number. Can I have yours?
Ice ka ba? Crush kita, okay lang?
Meralco ka ba? Kasi kapag ngumingiti ka, may spark.
Tapos na ba exam mo? Para ako naman sagutin mo.
Alam mo, mahilig ako sa darts pero hindi ako magaling. Kasi I keep missing you.
Favorite subject mo ba Geometry? Kasi kahit anong angle, ang cute mo.
Aanhin pa ang damo, kung sayo pa lang may tama na ko.
Gusto mo ilibre kita ng Gatorade? Kasi kanina ka pa tumatakbo sa isip ko.
Pwede malaman kung anong oras na? Kasi tumitigil ang oras kapag katabi kita.

If you noticed I place a picture of the "wacky races" pretty much an old school cartoon I used to watch in "Cartoon Network" actually a Hanna Barbera cartoon. REALLY old school, but I find it amusing because I get to reminisce it and think about a little of my childhood.
[Darn, its pretty lame seriously but... guess what I think I'm riding this wagon of crack me up korny jokes. The fact that MOST likely a Filipino made these up.]

another nice few thoughts from God:
Yes, even the parts that hurt, even the ones that are feeling disease right now. It's alright to love what is in pain. More than alright, that's exactly where your love is needed the most. So why not touch that part that hurts and smile at it, at yourself through it, and whisper: ''I love you.''

I'm guessing God is truly testing me, how much I could resist a nice looking photograph, or its more like a delicious looking ice cream placed in a bowl. nom nom.

So, I saw blonde turquoise eyed boy.. and he is mighty... uhm (yeah) something like that, ugh ugh... [eraze ze thoughtz]

pardon moi.

II'm really touched by God right now, it feels like I feel my relationship with him is growing and I am sincerely happy with the result of it.
It's just a shame that some people that I care about still doesn't let God lead their lives, and I want them to know that God is just there and He will truly help each and one of us. I am happy, and moments ago I was talking to my dad and it feels good again. My cousin too also messaged me that he might go to colorado soon, and also my friend "Shoji" spontaneously messaged me in facebook.

GOD

is truly a

Hero

he sheds me

light

happiness

and warmth

The message awhile from the mass was that: God gives us the following, something that we can easily remember about him. He brings us:

T- Truth

H- Hope

I- Inspire

N- News

G- Grace

My friend''s silly message:

2010-01-24T00:11:00.005-07:00

So one of my friend's sent a message in Facebook and she "Blast IM'ed" it to everyone, and can I just say almost all her friends and most of them are close friends. I wanted to eavesdrop what they were talking about but never mind. Anyways it was about the horoscope and it's title was "Accurate Horoscope for 2010" and mine goes:

PISCES - The Partner for Life
Caring and kind. Smart. Likes to be the center of attention. Very organized. High appeal to opposite sex. Likes to have the last word. Good to find, but hard to keep. Passionate, wonderful lovers. Fun to be around. Too trusting at times and gets hurt easily. VERY caring. They always try to do the right thing and sometimes gets the short end of the stick. They sometimes get used by others and get hurt because of their trusting. Extremely weird but in a good way. Good sense of humor!!! Thoughtful. Loves to joke. Very popular. Silly, fun and sweet. Good friend to other but needs to be choosy on who they allow their friends to be.

I would definitely try to be humble about it, since I'm pretty sure that I'm not that "popular" though, I love to care a lot... and when I say a lot, its absolutely a lot... to the point that it sometimes gets me into trouble and get hurt. For the past few days I have been trying to focus myself in one thing, and that is God.
I'm actually getting better at it, and what i would usually do is, I would pray internally and would try to understand whats happening in my life. Most of the time, I would just pray; while brushing my teeth, while sitting down in the royal throne, while working, cooking, eating breakfast. I would say that most of my time, I spend it with God. I'm far from being sad now, maybe the right word now is: "Placid"
I sometimes care less now about whats going on, though I still take time to understand the situations that surrounds me, one instance is that I don't find the "Guy" interesting anymore; I'm thinking because he doesn't show interest therefore its a sign for me to lay-off of him. At the same time, I also realize that I can't like David, since his like a brother and my neighbor and from which the commandment says: "Though shall not commit adultery" and now I find him like a brother and a very charming one, the fact that he has a girlfriend. (so out of my league)

sob sob.

Everybody has a relationship nowadays,

but

everybody is also

breaking up.

I guess you could say that I am envious, very very envious...

But The fact that I need to stop and not even think about it, I get cold feet about it. About thinking of loving another person? Though I have one in mind, and his back in Manila and we stopped talking already. The fact that he is trying to find his way back into his education, its a bit tricky also... Being shown his true feelings and having a hard time delivering it.. then.

Poof?

There you go.. its as if he too got cold feet.

My ex-lover told me, not to wait for him or even leave a love spot for him since I don't have assurance from him. I know he is right, but its not necessarily that I'm going to leave it for him, but instead I just want to take my time; and maybe let God's chosen one find his way to me. As painful as it sounds, I will slowly be able to stand again. I just can't give my purity away to anyone else who is not worth of staying and keeping me till the last, end of story.

Truly, its a shame:

that nobody will be able to

enjoy my company

my own likableness.

God has his own plans for me, and I am excited for it. My only problem at the moment, is work and its unjust actions and stunt that they are trying to pull towards us. We ain't stupid and we know what they are trying to do..

BUT!

I will continue to pray about it,

I will not whine but instead, I will accept it.

In return I will show them good relation and a satisfied person.

Let's not forget about God's Message for today:

All too often loud events and daily busyness cloud your vision of God. Take some time to slow down; let there be silence, let there be peace. Calm your mind and let your inner voice re-emerge from the silence. Allow yourself to see visions, allow yourself to dream dreams; and you may hear the voice of God reaching out to you.

Isn't this funny?

It's about dream, can I just say..

Lately, my dreams are a bit odd..

And I am not able to control it even it its fictional.

Even in my dream, I am haunted..

That he doesn't Love me, the fact that the girl was in the dream.

My life is a shame.. I am soo haunted and I couldn't do anything;

because he doesn't love me anymore.

He rebukes me. scorn. nuisance.

Too much turmoil to handle, even in dreams. :(

I guess Love has totally have gone out of the window.

sob.

I'M GOING TO DREAM BIG NOW..

sleep tight

beautiful princess me.

Never mistake motion for action.

- Ernest Hemingway

current mood:

He who sees me:

2010-01-23T01:25:00.001-07:00

as always, God has given me a beautiful message:

I see you strong and whole. I see you blessed and prospered. I see you courageous and confident. I see you capable and successful. I see you free from all limitations or bondage of any kind. I see you as the spiritually perfect being you truly are.

I love it when God is very thoughtful and he tries to make my day beautiful and so to say, my night... I am always captured by God's grace and beauty, he would always capture my heart's desire.

I'm afraid of people who would try and hurt me, especially the pervert that I would always encounter in different places. I know he is evil, and he is testing my patience; one thing for sure is that God is protecting me and I am shielded by his gold plated armour.

My Knight in Shining Amour

- he was gone..

But he was replaced

by one and only

God

Reference:

It feels good to be romanced by your creator, he never fails to make you smile and do simple things that could uplift and enchant your delight.

Like a pint of Ice Cream or a handsome shuttle driver who knows where your going and will assure you that he will take you home safely and will bid you a "Good Night"

speaking of which, that shuttle driver is very gorgeous I think he is my new liking.. (awh)

erase thoughts again.

I can't like someone unless it's God's chosen one for me.. bu hu~ its okey to look but not taste.. [ugh]

I guess I'm going to enjoy sleeping in awhile, since I was able to talk to both my siblings today and knowing what has happened to them lately. Truly God has not forgotten my request.

Thank You Lord God!
I Love You insuperably.

à bientot

P.s. I love my ami also..

The green pea hater in ME

2010-01-21T15:16:00.000-07:00

First and foremost.. I have always hate green peas... and that is serious, I really don't like it.

buweck...

I'm watching Food Network: Everyday Italian, and the recipe is;

Bake Orzo with Fontina and Peas

Orzo ( Rice Shape pasta )
Mozzarella
Mushroom
Garlic
Shallot (baby onion)
parmesan
(Peas)

Sauté shallots and garlic clove in olive oil and add mushroom, leave until brown.
Boil the orzo until al dente
Drain orzo, add mozzarella, parmesan, peas and add the garlic-mushroom mixture.
Place in porcelain rectangular baking sheet.
Top with parmesan and bread crumbs and bake

Dessert: Semifreddo: soft ice cream like (italian)

Egg yolks
Sugar
Cream
lemon zest, lime zest
Berries
Pistachio

Mix: Whip the cream and sugar (set aside)
In bain marie: (water bath) add yolks and sugar, set aside when mixed and place in ice bath to cool down
After cooling down, fold the cream in yolks. After folding, add berries or zests of lime or lemon
Settle in rectangle or square pan, place cling wrap and dump the mixture and place in freezer for 8hours.
After 8 hours, check and place in platter and top with pistachios or honeyed almond and slice.

Reference:

I'd like to try that soon. :D

Shower time. XD

okey?

2010-01-21T03:33:00.003-07:00

So I was wondering... and wondering... yet I just couldn't find the answer to it.

my current facial expression is:

Like seriously? WTF... he talks to me the

suddenly flies out of the room.

whispers..

damn.

ugh..

I am just baffled by the thought of (poof)

Anyways, it was another interference again. OOOOH! I WANT TO SHOUT. I want to say "I want to give up" but heck I wont....

My roomie is snoring

sooo

LOUDLY

again.

sob.

I hate noise. or snore. ore grinding of teeth.

His snore is really deep and it sounds

like a long fart...

quite disturbing at the moment.

Its taking away the momentum

of me getting

"awed"

by what just happened

a couple of

hours ago..

distraction

disruption

bonne nuit

P.S.
My lips are getting dry.. haven't been kissing for awhile, hah!
and my bruise got bigger and darker.. WAH!

God's lovely message:

2010-01-19T22:09:00.000-07:00

The quickest way to find love is to give love. If you want it too badly, you will not find it. The most secure way to keep love is to give it space and care to grow. If you hold it too tightly, you will lose it.

ouch?
haha!
I'm kidding, but its pretty funny!

[I am not thinking much about anything that has something to do with boyfriends now]
yawch!

Anyhoo, we did snowboarding today... and oh my ggooooshh. I have lots of bruises now on my knees.
=(

spot the discolored skin..

ugh, now I placed a liniment a my bandage for rheumatism

Its fun and crazy.. wild should I just say! here's a picture of me, well I look pretty noob and unpretty. :[ I'm with Julia here. fun fun... and yeah, God did show me a miracle.. and gave me snow and made me enjoy my time.

-till next time..

Capricious-ness

2010-01-17T23:57:00.002-07:00

I just remembered a random thought:

What if cancer's cure was LONG found ever since?

do you think their just trying to hide it for more more money?

Cancer

which means "malignant or growth"

I just had a [ stomach spasm ] after sneezing and it was pretty painful, I guess I'll be having my period soon. Interesting isn't it? That we have silly questions yet people would think its pretty ironic and senseless... Currently watching Superman..

interesting isn't it?

Its actually a blasphemy:

They consider Superman as the Savior

--as J.C.

and as for Lex Luthor

he is Satan

Who wants to conquer the world.

but ofcourse he fails..

evil will always fail..

It's a random insight I just thought about just 10minutes ago.. :]

I was trying to find a "purity ring" and I never knew it was that --- Expensive (buhu)
I'm checking out some wedding gowns at my other tab: and here are some gowns I think I would like to wear:

Dream Gown-- Simple Bride-- The Princess

It feels nice to be thinking about marriage, its a wonderful state of mind.. thought its a bit disturbing now; that I can't really plan it with someone.
[erase erase]

Will continue to watch superman.. :] Handsome~~

à bientot

I don't care about the fishes in the ocean.. I want you!
-awh~ I know its so hokey, but I like it!

accident?

2010-01-15T22:58:00.000-07:00

: (

Greater good?

Could justice be "always" be served? or not at all..

Its a pity isn't it..

But since God is GOOD: He from above will help us.

Through dusk... to dawn!

Monkey Baby!

2010-01-15T22:48:00.000-07:00

So....
today we watched: S.Holmes! And personally I think its a good movie, the director "Guy Ritchie" is actually Good!! (hoot hoot)

I think... I would like to have a boyfriend with same traits and intellect like Holmes, he's just incredible!

[ I'm watching CSI and could not concentrate in my blog ]

awh man... I feel so monkey like today, I want to cuddle cuddle right now, and I'm like a silly girl again playing like a fool.

I saw a really really discounted snowboards.. pretty interesting, too bad I can't buy it. Boo hu!

what to write...

I believe I would have to rest now and yet again visit cloud 9. But before that I think I'll read my devotions and talk to God. -- and read my "Captivating"... I would have to renew my thoughts again and review my thoughts again. Plus its getting late again..

empty

void

drain

unoccupied

Me.

what should I do right now..

I have a new project:

make a document about me; something that would include my own "personal stereotype"

interesting right?

I should be crashing again,

nothing much to share now... :]

Effervescence:

2010-01-15T02:21:00.002-07:00

Yup:
correct you are, I feel "bubbly"

(awh) God is truly amazing, I saw him awhile ago- sandy blonde turquoise eyed lad. [yeeh!] uhm... erase erase, I know I can't.. I simply can't truly truly.. ugghh He looks pretty hot. (grin)

Tomorrow is my day off with the 3 folks, We might catch "Holmes" ---- exciting!! [sincerely I am]

Will be crashing soon, my roomie is still awake and is planning to sleep late again. Such child like, never listens to someone older than him. Pretty enraged about his attitude...
Will go ahead now, I'll have my quiet time before I sleep- while my roomie is watching TV.

P.S.
I've been controlling myself to not be a "whiner" and lately I've not been too "sarcastic" my roomie is starting to irritate me; I'm feeling a snarl coming up my nose just thinking about it. Though I try as much as possible to restraint myself. :]

--- the princess is crashing...

Hello dream realm

Romeo o Romeo; wherefore art thou romeo?

O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?
Deny thy father and refuse thy name;
Or if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love
And I'll no longer be a Capulet.

Romeo: A thousand times good night
A thousand times the worse, to want thy light.
Love goes toward love as schoolboys from their books,
But love from love, toward school with heavy looks.

act 2 scene 2: R & J

buona notte

Romeo o Romeo?

2010-01-13T23:02:00.002-07:00

- O dear romeo..

Juliet would usually say it like that.

I couldn't help my self not posting a blog for a day, I guess I have gotten accustomed to writing my daily thoughts in this virtual "space" that I have... Pretty Neat; if you try to think of it. Though I have one problem, lately I've been losing my trail of thought, and can I just say... I loose it pretty quickly and abruptly that I couldn't even remember what I have just thought of. [oh dear]

Anyways, I saw one episode of Romeo x Juliet The show that I try not to get captivated with, because it truly has embark a feeling inside of me. sob sob. -- The Episode was about Juliet being held captive in the house Montague and was placed in the dungeon by Romeo's father and be exiled because of her fate, family feud against two houses. The Anime version is pretty far---different from the book so; please excuse my story if it sounds weird. But ofcourse, Juliet's caretakers would not let that happen that is why they "she was rescued" and so did Romeo did... [eurh] I'm scared of watching the ending...

it might be too sad, that I can't help it.

(too emotional)

and I'm trying not to be..

ugh.

----

jumping to a new topic:

We had our F&B class today at the mountains: fairly high high mountain: 11,000 + ft of elevation. It was good day, woke up early to ride the "gondola lifts" and but of course my roomie is such a scardey cat afraid of heights... and Has finally realized that I am also "mean" like how my close friends would perceive me, How classic..

" a sweet person like me "

could be considered mean?

On the contrary,

I'm not being mean. I'm just giving two sides and

if you find it offensive should it be my fault?

or should it be the person's prerogative how they would accept it?

[tsk tsk]

I guess thats what he gets, since he doesn't respect me

as his senior.

Nah... I'll just pray for the kid,

he's a bit confused with his life and

he's a bit too dramatic at the same time.

I feel so relaxed today; drinking all those different wines from the "wine class" -- was just too nice and can I just say "fancy".. The wine was just right, and the cheese, air dried ham and crackers were just right with the perfect mountain climate. [how relaxing] After that, we also ate at "Timber ridge" cafeteria style dining hall, haha~ didn't finish my food so I took it home [seriously getting scared of getting healthy and chubby wubby]... and I ate it for dinner. It feels nice that I was able to relax today!! When we got home, there were a bunch of kids doing BBQ at the grill and were hanging out and enjoying the warm temperature. [it was pretty awesome, too bad couldn't hang out with them] ugh... :c

I need friends: other than Carlos, Jon, David and Julia... ugh.... [Sandy blonde turquoise eyed]

*after getting back from class and all,

I got bored and I did this. Thats placed on my ceiling.

So that whenever I see it, it will make me smile

and remember that someone loves me.

I know its cheesy.

So bare with me :p

I also made my roomie, haha! [just for fun]

(side note: I just closed the window of Romeo x Juliet; so that I could treasure the episodes.

I'm considering to read the book; and more like of sleeping... but I guess I could crash now..

à bientot

gah!! my head hurts!

2010-01-12T22:55:00.002-07:00

something to read and pray about:

Dear Lord, I thank you for this day. I thank You for my being able to see and to hear this morning.. I'm blessed because You are a forgiving God and an understanding God. You have done so much for me and You keep on blessing me. Forgive me this day for everything I have done, said or thought that was not pleasing to you. I ask now for Your forgiveness.

Please keep me safe from all danger and harm. Help me to start this day with a new attitude and plenty of gratitude. Let me make the best of each day to clear my mind so that I can hear from You.

Let me not whine and whimper over things I have no control over.. Let me continue to see sin through God's eyes and acknowledge it as evil. And when I sin, let me repent, and confess with my mouth my wrongdoing, and receive the forgiveness of God.

And when this world closes in on me, let me remember Jesus' example -- to slip away and find a quiet place to pray. It's the best response when I'm pushed beyond my limits. I know that when I can't pray, You listen to my heart. Continue to use me to do Your will.

Continue to bless me that I may be a blessing to others. Keep me strong that I may help the weak.. Keep me uplifted that I may have words of encouragement for others. I pray for those who are lost and can't find their way. I pray for those who are misjudged and misunderstood. I pray for those who don't know You intimately. I pray for those who will delete this without sharing it with others. I pray for those who don't believe. But I thank you that I believe.

I believe that God changes people and God changes things. I pray for all my sisters and brothers. For every family member in their households. I pray for peace, love and joy in their homes that they are out of debt and all their needs are met.

I pray that every eye that reads this knows there is no problem, circumstance, or situation greater than God. Every battle is in Your hands for You to fight. I pray that these words be received into the hearts of every eye that sees them and every mouth that confesses them willingly..

This is my prayer.
In Jesus' Name,

Amen..

I'm pretty sleepy now and my head hurts... =( I'm thinking of not blogging for a couple of days, I'll have to concentrate in my faith right now. At the same time I think God has a hidden message for me that I slightly have figured out. I need to do the things only for Him and Him only, one God one belief.

No more sadness for me, and anti-emo for me at the same time. I need to do good for the sake of God.

I love you.. my Lord and my Savior [closes her eye lids]

Shallow or Hollow

2010-01-11T22:47:00.001-07:00

So I was thinking why are my messages pretty lone, so here is my today's message from God:

You've been worrying too much about the future lately. So tonight, go ahead, put your faith in God, and just have a peaceful evening and a restful sleep.

This is pretty off again, why is it that my messages are pretty intact and almost like He is really listening to me?

wah!

It was such a "fluke, fate"---- That I saw him today [sandy blonde blue eyed], in my day off~ waaah! I can't like him, ugh. I feel so frustrated, well I just find him adorable and thats just about it.

agh! I have found a diversion:

study a couple of phrases
continue reading some classical books
talk less about relationships

I need to be more nicer, I'm really serious... [I think I need to give way to people and try to be more friendly and talk less and speak less about my thoughts at the same time]

I'm going to sleep in awhile, and will be talking to God again. :] I miss God and want to be romanced by my fiance.

I uploaded a picture:

Keystone-Breck Off-Day

2010-01-11T22:24:00.002-07:00

We spent a good day today and we had lots of fun.

We went to the slopes today but failed to go Tubing & Snowboarding
Ate at mountain house and took nice pictures of the place
SAW him.. and it feels nice. :] good looking man!
And we ate STEAK!! Nomnomnom... :] I'm so full!
Julia and I just wore sweaters today, and Breckenridge was Nasty C-o-l-d! Good thing we survived! AND good thing I didn't wear ballet flats!!! AND WRONG Boots! ugh. But I'd love to go back to Breckenridge again, its a nice town :]

it was nice that we went around the rockies today, even if we weren't able to do our activities. BOO!

here are a couples of pictures

a quick message:

2010-01-11T00:04:00.001-07:00

God's message for me:

Always with the same person, but deeper and deeper every time. Each time on a whole new level you together open in love and discover the truth of your beloved anew. There is no limit to the beauty of your beloved. If you think you've reached the end, stop generalizing.

Its's pretty romantic of God to think about me, too bad this message is a bit off for me right now and I feel sad but I try to be more eager in waiting and take my time.

random thought:
I want to go to Disney World with him,
How pitiful that we planned so much for our future together but in the end we didn't make it through.

I'm happy and I will continue to be happy, and I will take things light and will concentrate in work and will continue again to plan ahead; like what I mentioned in my previous posts.

I'm not going to be a hypocrite but I will be the new person, a more sweet person. Should I be less violent now?

I'm really going to wait; for God's chosen one. and I'm pretty excited

P.S.
God sent me a new message:
“In my anguish I cried to the LORD, and he answered by setting me free. The LORD is with me; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?”- Psalm 118:5-6

How truly affectionate the Lord is
-I feel so romanced.

Good night,
the sweet princess
shall fall deep into sleep

accept or decline?

2010-01-10T17:34:00.000-07:00

I opened my daily devotion today and I landed with:

I choose self control

"and it says..

I am a spiritual being...

After this body is dead, my spirit will soar.

I refuse to let what will rot, rule the eternal.

I choose self control. I will be drunk only by "Joy"

I will be impassioned only by my "Faith"

I will be influenced only by God

I will be taught only by Christ

I choose Self-Control

Today, I just want my quiet time.

I went to ride the early bus going to the church, it was peaceful and serene and I took a couple of minute naps. Before the mass started I was one of the few people who arrived really early, I took the time in engaging a quiet moment with God. By the way today was a feast of "Jesus Christs's Baptism by John". As the people slowly trickle down the church; majority of the people who attend were couples. They were old and their skin were prune like, I noticed one detail all of the couples were still sweet with each other. My hypothesis is that God is in their hearts and it gives them warmth & love each other.

The church service is pretty simple and same as always at the same time it ended early. My roomie caught up he was a little late and sat at the back row. When we rode the bus, I instantly fell asleep and took the chance of power napping, by the time I realize we were almost in Keystone I told him I'll take a walk and he could stay and wait till' it stops at the housing.

Tis' was a quick cold walk and gave me a good feeling and vibe...

[Gotta work]

will continue later

-work

Today was just slow and the orders weren't that picking up.

The three of us were just plain bored and it felt like we were just wasting time.

My co worker wanted to go home already because he felt bored and it was just plain slow for him.

Which was actually true, I went home pretty early today. I was suppose to leave at around 6pm? But instead he made me go home.

And now, I'm just plain sleepy; since my roomie is not yet back

I might as well take a

well deserve rest.

Tomorrow is our "Day off"

and were planning to go snowboarding,

Finally~

I know!

À bientot,

will just take a nap for now.

Passe avant, passe arrière

2010-01-09T23:56:00.001-07:00

^
means:
an advance or retreat by crossing one leg over the other; also passe' avant (forward cross), passe' arriere (backwards cross).

I'm again wistful, but I have great plans ahead of me that I have clearly thought about and will try my best to go about it. (I can smell orange scent in the air)

I'm ready! I'm going to cross decide on something, I wont do anything to break my vow or something that I have said before and a swore from someone. But I will have a new arrangement in my life, and this will be a different one..

I couldn't believe that even far away from my house, I still could not find my inner peace... Something is bugging me and I will have to find it soon before I crash and die. I'm not waiting for a miracle anymore, instead I will just have to deal on what I have at the moment. I will not get jaded with this things.. the anomalous feelings, and yes I would have to agree that I am getting accustomed with this independence in me. I'm afraid to say that I'm pushing myself to be somebody else now...

good bye..
L.A.S.S

P.S.
Ben Barnes is seriously gorgeous he makes me want to go n-a-k-e-d.
spicy.

En garde

2010-01-09T03:37:00.000-07:00

the title means: "On guard" a term used for fencing.. I enjoy speaking "en Françsaise" and soon I'll concentrate in continuing my lessons. (wouldn't want to go to waste right?)

I slept awhile ago, as soon as I finished typing my last post [ugh] I slept too much that I had a hard time waking up in the afternoon. Good thing I still had time to pick up my laundry and made my lunch (semi lazy) Well had to wake up early and apply for our "social security number"... can't believe I'm already working... and dang taxes (eating half 1/4 of my salary)

Today, work was again tiring. closing the kitchen with Jon is sort of a pain... its a bit disturbing that he is s-l-o-w for a man, he is way way way too meticulous and its a bit irritating because I should be the one who is more meticulous than him... [breathes deeply] We had soo many tickets of order to do, and "idiot" co-worker didn't make a back up of rice for my shift, thats why we had to make new one and paused for several minutes and had to catch up with all the orders... AGH!!

this is pretty random:

but I took 4 shots

with my 4

winter hats

felt like being vain thats why I took this.

I wonder which looks best?

continue'

owh, what a night... Good thing tonight is the LAST night of partying for the college kids... The Rowdy bunch of Kansas University! I wish them all the best, I didn't feel that some kids were even serious with their studies- judging by how they act in public... ugh!! Lately I get so tired from working late and cleaning the kitchen, whenever I work alone. I tend to be practical and plan which parts I'd have to do first and continue later on and finish just on time... But whenever I work with my roomie.. [seriously different story] His speed is way way too disadvantageous for him as a man... and its just not right for him to be too detailed whenever your "manager" wants you out of the kitchen immediately.. and he'd just say this & that... [whew] life is pretty complicated, thats why we'd always have to "face it" fight with courage & honesty.

yawn.. my tummy is growling, its 3:30am and my work is at 11am. I ate a light dinner again, wah! I need to stop drinking mountain dew, I think my blood is already yellow because of it. haha :] gorgeous isn't it? I barely notice the time and date lately. I'm still stuck in trance, and a couple of good looking man have been showing up lately.. tsk tsk.. God first and Jesus owns me. Hah!

[yawns]

opens her eyes..

until tomorrow,

á bientot

Today's Message for me:

2010-01-08T09:56:00.002-07:00

How unjust of this message... HUHU!!

Today I opened the application and this is what I get. Buhu!!

You've carried the guilt, the shame for long enough. You've kept your wounds open for long enough. The time has to come to let go, to heal. Keep the lessons and let the pain heal. Yes, you know what we are talking about it.

waah. sob.

I'm going to take a nap. :[

Tantalized

2010-01-08T03:58:00.001-07:00

I'm currently listening a cover by a "French Boy named Remi from YouTube" and I almost couldn't believe that he was French... his english and voice is simply amazing.

Tantalized

The perfect word in describing whats running in my head.

Today's passage from biblegateway is:

“Seek good, not evil, that you may live. Then the LORD God Almighty will be with you, just as you say he is. Hate evil, love good; maintain justice in the courts. Perhaps the LORD God Almighty will have mercy on the remnant of Joseph.”

-Amos 5:14-15

I'm so touched by God right now that he wants me away from harm and evil deeds, and truly I will not do anything stupid anymore. (As far as how I will try to hold upon it)

Its pretty late and I'm not able to keep my new year's reso.. huhu! I'm going to be good and I'll give my best efforts to contradict the bad elements that could hinder me in progressing my faith & love with God.

Today was just insane

a co-worker from Keystone was trying to hitch a college student, which is a guest, quite disgusting... he was a perv.. gross
I cleaned all the plates, and cleaned the whole kitchen... How Tiring.. That I didn't even eat dinner or even, pee... well I slightly drank water and that was it
My co-worker at the kitchen was just not working right... [had too much commands again] ASDFGFG @#!##$
Went home pretty late and had to wait for the shuttle and had to go through that horrible ride and saw an actual pervert Live... waaah!

Dear Lord,

please continue to guide me and assist me through out this journey that I will be doing. I do not want to be a lost sheep... You are my Shepherd my Lord!

catch you later...

yawn*

P.S.
my fingers are starting to get hard.. :( and I'm very worried about it, since I don't want to get arthritis, I seriously do not want my hand cracking hard. =(

où sont mes vertus

2010-01-06T11:51:00.001-07:00

My blog title means: "where are my virtues" ?
Today I checked my facebook and this was one of the application that I usually read. I don't really believe it but its quite controversial since they say its about "God" I don't know how they base it but- I try not to believe (slash) believe. So my message today was:
Message from God to me:

Love is either unconditional or it's no love. You might like someone conditional on their personality or behavior or circumstances. But love accepts no boundaries. So never say 'I love you because', for love has no cause, love comes from God.

I feel semi doomed that; from now on I won't be saying "I love you" sincerely to someone.. :c Wistful, henceforth God is with me. Like a Juliet with Romeo, Elinor Dashwood for Edward Ferrars, Bella with an Edward.

Mind me not for I feel companionless for now. Now now, I shall live worth and cover every endearing moment I have at hand.

Today at work, the college kids were still partying and tomorrow will be the last night; well technically should be since I think and hopefully they'll go back to Kansas. Majority of the 1,700 students came from Kansas University, my guess is that most of them are rich kids since education here is pretty way way expensive and I find it ridiculous that the government and the private school price it that way. The fact that "college grants" are pretty hard to find and get accepted; the education system here in U.S. is a bit bias. (Only rich people could go to college?)

au contraire.

The kids who doesn't go for a college education; what they do is "work" their asses and can I just say: really really work. They could even handle 2-3 works? [whew] I'm just thankful that I'm earning and I pray that my hours wont cut me short, my parents were telling me again to use my paycheck... and I really don't want to :c

going back...

Some college kids were just idiots, bringing a fake a I.D. ? never would have known or thought they would really do it and to think "they'd get a way with it"? Too bad we didn't stay, the music was nice and I felt like dancing crazy, but I remembered I couldn't [squeeze bodies with 6 ft'ers] they are really really huge that they could easily make a stampede and would really kill me plus my claustrophobia issue . The fact that a flock of them are here in Keystone; they make business go good :)[boo hu]

Tomorrow I'm going to work late again, and seeing the Ïndian's face would totally irritate me more.. (err) the fact that he'll get more hours again, how disappointing. Well he is sort of getting in my nerves thats why... command this.. there.. where.. WHY COULDN'T HE HANDLE IT HIMSELF? A BIG LAZY GUY, AND COULDN'T HE REALIZE IT? DENGGIT'

"I'm sorry, I'm a bit piss at him for making us do everything, while he do the major tasks"

like gawd.. I just hate people who makes me an underdog... [pif]

We had a couple of drinks; I bought vodka vanilla at the liquor store (good thing I am 21, yehey! and soon turning 22 how sad)

So yeah; I used coffee so it became like a coffee liqueur; Jon got so much stomp'd & stone'd that I think he took almost 8-10shots, after that he said "ayaw ko na" and said that this wasn't for him and God didn't made him drink... (and all) he puked again at the toilet and fell asleep.

sob.

If it were my friends... but sadly they aren't here, at least he did fall asleep and went to bed early. I find it gross that I puked and took out all the alcohol out inside of me, I had a plastic bag on my side and I think I slept a couple of time... infront of the plastic bag... I'm planning:

To permanently / temporary not drink [JANUARY 6'09] Lets see how long I could handle this

Its a hideous feeling afterwards, like right now I can still myself spinning and my world spinning. The alcohol does you bad, and good thing JON IS NOT MY TYPE and will never be.. I think if there was a decent guy here I'd get laid with that person and give up my "vow"

And I can't do that, its just plain crazy.. and would not give in easily

its a bit cold today,

[its 9:31am, -13 degrees celsius outside] my upper body is chilly and my legs are sweating because they are inside the sheets.

I feel stupid that "Evil" pushed me again to sent him a message last night, while I was tipsy.. I couldn't even remember what I said... owh goodness alcohol.

I ain't going to swear but, I will try to really avoid Alcohol next time.. err..

I'll go back to sleep, I feel miserable now that I actually messaged him something and to think he didn't read it.. I'm guessing its her. [I feel soo ashame right now]

I feel that I should be extra strict with myself now, since I'm sensing God is goading me or sort of telling me to "stop".. and God is right; I need to stop. Look at this passage:

“Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.”- Ephesians 5:1-2

I only love God right now, aside from a couple of people whom I cherish the most. But I think I'm doing something bad and unpleasing toward his eyes, and as his child and Jesus's fiancée I need to damn stoked stop.

Going back to rest, and try to reflect on the things I have done..

No one to control me, I'm like a lion unleashed in the city...

too vile, mad, uncontainable.

I can't get carried away with this freedom..

Dear God,

Please guide me again, I don't want to be a lost lamb in this wilderness. I don't wan't to be eaten by the "fox".. or be tortured by any loathsome beast.

Ignore me Not

2010-01-06T00:20:00.004-07:00

I woke up late today and I decided that I should:

eat lunch
took a bath
fixed my bed

And so did I do that, after doing all those tasks... stayed in my bed and read "Romeo & Juliet"- I was reading the original version, a bit confusing since the verses are in old english and very Shakespearean [But I find it really interesting] but suddenly I got a bit sleepy while trying to read it. (that only meant that the book wasn't too enticing for me)

I remembered I had a dream this morning, but I forgot the details of it... what I can remember though is that:

my sister and I had a house, and it was a really nice house. Modern with French Windows..

I'm starting to grow sleepy...

I have a random thought about dreams:

That they always have stories, (personally mine does) and it would always try to tell me something but I just couldn't figure it out.

tear drop.

Work today was so - so, had a couple of ticket and they were long orders... XD but with my "powers" and my patience for Jon, we were able to get all orders done... :D (whew) Good thing Jorge (the nice mex- manager) made us close early, and I was able to get at least 6 hours still. Wouldn't want to work late with all those nasty "college students" seeing them drink and get drunk eventually? seriously... wouldn't dare to stay there late... :| nasty sacry.

I ATE CHEETOS AND ICE CREAM TONIGHT: ITS PRETTY FUNNY: I MEAN... AT 11PM...

:( HUHU!

I'm planning to buy one bottle of Tequila, I think I'll have alcohol for a bestfriend soon. :| since I haven't seen my friends lately, and haven't drunk much... My roomie is just plain boring and childish... and I can't take it anymore, its like living with a kid.. which is absolutely true, but I need to hide it... well I'm not pretending, I also too do not find partying not fun..

Haven't seen him for awhile, the adorable sandy blonde lashes and blue eyes.. [ignore ignore] my shift doesn't make me see him. [hmp]

The other guy in my head makes me want to think about him, but I can't I don't want to be a villain. (not fair) Pretend that I don't like him, could that work?

need to plan more about it...

I'm assuming that I would have to divert my attention again, and the point that I would have to REALLY REALLY FIND A thing to keep me busy and not think of nothing that would contribute about people....

-I need to cut it short..

I'm a bit horny and sleepy. haha! :D

disturbing thought.

zzz.

á bientot

Why be Vain?

2010-01-04T23:41:00.005-07:00

Isn't being vain one of the deadliest sin?

wrath - greed - sloth - pride - lust - envy -gluttony

Latin:

superbia. avaritia. luxuria. invidia. gula. ira. acedia.

I should really do something, I'm being careless- I'm being angry- I'm being too prideful?

What else is next? this is ruining my plan for the year, I need to do something before its too late again. X( such disgrace I commit upon.

Mind me not,

I am in not thinking right at the moment.

I am pretty much upset today, since my grocery bill took me by surprise and that could kill me... since I just took out money from the bank= the fact that the cashier lady forgot to give me my grocery receipt, made me more angry.

After doing this, I will crash and would pray slowly and careful... and will try to meditate on the things that I have done for this day alone, and may be I should account the following days to come. I should not attract temptation nor allure no one.. The fact that it is one of the sins I have done makes me feel worst; though I was able to cut through and punched a thin line. (whew)

touché gorgeous lyle

I was playing around with the new camera earlier and it amazes me how people tend to be so vain and over themselves? [Whenever I do it... I find it hard to appreciate my beauty]

I seriously find it difficult to identify

which part is beautiful within me?

a line kept on running on my head today:

"what such beaut" ?

It sounds so heavy that, I'm not sure if I am capable of accepting it. (puzzled) All I can do is just show my appreciation.

ANYWAYS! I tried to take a couple of pictures... and I wasn't in favor in some of them.... grr, but I took this and save this. :] for some weird reason, I accepted it... XD [insane]

I look like a puppy, isn't it? HAH! damn, thats why

personally I only categorized myself as beautiful only

Cute

sob.

{the fact the he regarded me beautiful and pretty makes it sound nicer and acceptable}

I remembered that we passed by the library today: and its pretty enticing... I feel like going and visiting the local library. :] Looking forward for a trip one of these days.

I'm listening to incubus again, Brandon Boyd never seize to disappoint my solemn heart. (heart pounds swiftly); I'm trying to find the heart in liking the "Light Grenades" album.

<3>

moods:

sleepy
stoned
back ache (pain)

P.S.

I despise girls who are too naive and are being too over themselves and enjoys too much of themselves.

But its a pity if you have a chronic disease that makes you one:
"Vain"

I'm sorry but I can't stand some... I just don't show it; especially on men..

[goosebumps]

Tonight: its -9 degrees celsius, pretty warm... :| that Im wearing shorts and sleeveless.

P.P.S

I JUST SAW A SHADOW IN THE WALL FROM MY ROOMIE'S SIDE; AND IT WAS LIKE QUICK AND IT WAS ON STANDING POSITION; BUT I COULD HEAR HIM SNORING RIGHT NOW!!!

WHAT THE CRACK: CREEPY...

Zombie me

2010-01-03T23:17:00.004-07:00

I felt like a zombie this morning, till this afternoon: then as soon as the moon shed... I instantly changed my mood, its pretty gudanculous. As soon as he stepped in the kitchen I felt nothing at first and I didnt show it in my appearance, but I think my heart skipped a beat again.. I feel remorseful at the thought that its only a (crush) and there is no hope on it. His face is something new as to compare to majority of the boys I try to measure up. Its irritating that my co-worker told him that it was the first time that I smiled for the whole day.. [cover fail] sob: I think I need to stop liking him...

I feel so tired lately, for the past 2-3 weeks we only have one day off. Which I think is great, since more hours of work for us :)

My head hurts at the moment, our kitchen smells seriously bad... It wreaks so bad! That it smells like: a really really spoiled raw ground beef mixed with cardamom and star anise...

My head is spinning right now... and I am totally in a awkward mood.

I guess its not a good day: since we forgot to attend church :| How incorrect and unethical of me to forget the day? This is impossible, can you even imagine that? Working is like your stuck in trance and you've forgotten what has happened outside your world. (duh)

I miss the Philippines, I couldn't even remember my normal routine? I have my bed as my boyfriend, how ridiculous could that get?

all I could do is weep, imagine a girl just pouring her tears with no emotions and sound coming from her mouth?

I'm tired of being, over sensitive.

I need to cry so hard and shout
I want to pour out this pain in my chest
I need someone to care for my again
I don't want to be left in the dark anymore
I want to apologize if I am too showy, frank

Even my co-workers know my personality, and I don't want to kill my cover. :[

current mood:

listening to music

I'm suppressing my tears at the moment, and it couldn't stop it... could you imagine a person being plagued and could not find the medicine.

I want to give up, he is right; I should stop.. should just stop at all.

My chest hurts so much right now, I have no one to talk to; except for God. I am practically impaired, it feels sad that I do not have the right.. nothing at all again. No I do not want to find pity from others, I'd be better be off wounded.

ayaw ko na.

Resistance is Futile

2010-01-03T00:33:00.002-07:00

I have been shaken... :]

I think I like him already... whenever I see him, his name runs and runs (he makes me smile)

can't wait to see him again, but I know its just a crush, and he makes my heart flutter now.

Today work was just normal, it was busy; about 2 hours I did dish washing and then did the orders since Jon didn't want to do it because he was getting irritated with our work mate. [I'm so tired of people whining, though I am too is a whiner. I believe that I have changed already since, I can't confide to anyone since I have revoked my old self.

I always try to think when, I get married or would have a boyfriend: I would always think about how I can cook for him or prepare him something. It makes me blush whenever I think about it; I can't wait to get married and live with the man I love in a house where we both know we'll grow old together in.

I remembered, I have lots of gashes from work and the fact that I have

bruises on my knees; its really disturbing...

I feel like I don't know how to take care of myself.

[sigh]

For the past days, I have been drinking "Mountain Dew": sugar rush

deng..

I think my blood is already yellow since: most of the liquids I drink is

Mountain Dew

*gulp*

Il mio cuore è per voi

"My heart is for you"

As if, so who owns it now? Who? I'm guessing someone, and I'm really excited to get to know him :]

I'm pretty sleepy now. ":{

I was suppose to read "Romeo & Juliet* But I'm pretty tired now, I can't wait to sleep and dream about the guy. :]