I ask myself why I get so moody and tempermental, I hate myself for it. It disgust me to realize who I am, total whip lash and brutality is just pasted upon me.. As if I wasn'st cursed enough.. A couple of minutes ago, I talked to my close friend and we just quickly talked and updated each other..

Through the course of time, I reflected upon the observations and learnings I have acquired. Its quite direct and awkward, but rather I feel this sense that I am slowly getting more mature. Highly noticeable since two of my friends has already agreed.

I'm using my blackberry again, I close my eyes and I couldn't agree more to the image inside my head "a white haired granny who scratches her head while she closed her eyes" Its impressive, mature? Hopefuly I can dig me some witty prospect: maybe a Doctor?

 Ciao Bella

What can I contribute to human society, aside from being a part of the whole ecosytem? I ask myself everytime how can I discover my self better, will I be stuck in this state. Rather I dwell upon this irrelevant thoughts, thinking they give entertainment in one's self. I believe that I'm contended with just being the low and self centered individual since causing pain to others brings joy to my life.. Yet I beg to fight the demons inside of me. Which resulted to self isolation and boredom. More time to think over issues, I can't believe how classical music calms me down. Problems, troubles, hurdles.. Just a couple of months to go and I'm off this neat place again, God I will continue to abdide by your ways. I know that with your great power nothing will be impossible. Ciao bella

Planning ahead:

target location after graduation, since I'm wild and free from anything. I'm planning to take my third internship.

• K.L. Le Meridien
• Amanpulo, Pamalican Island
• Somewhere in Australia

I'm over working my head again, and I'm planning to either work or just do another internship again for experience. The more the merrier, more diversion and clearing of head...

• Makati Shangri La
• Makati Intercon

I hope I'll be able to find another person, whom I can talk to...

just now, my sister is fighting over the phone with her boyfriend... 

bad old days..

ciao bella

p.s.

Eclipse is near!! exciting! 

I'm doing my blogging via my blackberry, it feels so posh and updated. I just feel so lazy right now that I have been letting go of a lot of things nowadays, for starters: No facebook No YM No laptop No cellphones No cameras No psp What have I be come to now? I'm technically and literally detaching my self from the whole matrix. As you can see, now I'm blogging in my BB I saw an old email, I browsed through it and read it.. I feel so mean that I truthfully believe now that its because of me. I'm the problem, I'm like a pest.. Now that I have touched on this reality, I can no longer shook the thought. I suck, I see no worth in me.. I know God will get mad at me as soon as I finish doing this entry. Wht 500 days of summer? Why have you shown me reality yet again. I'm so happy that, I have only one class tomorrow. More time for thinking!! Mood swing, incoming Berserk mode

somewhere around the world their is a right man for every girl....

What a legendary quote to be shared, I'm currently watching a TCM and this really classical movie by Gene Kelly. I adore this type of movies, the dancing and singing.

Classes has just recently started, everything seems to be abnormally normal; everything fits perfectly into the puzzle piece. Yet its so disturbing, a big part of the picture continues to lack... Again this morning, I had a terrible dream... I almost cried, but instead I just prayed soon after I awoke from sleep. I talked to God continuously as I calmed down.

I just closed the TV. I feel like a half empty glass...

Today feels like a disaster that just be came a miracle and still made its way as a pretty normal day; nonetheless even if that event happen it turned out to be something I can again keep as an experience. Now I'm starting to bore myself, the fact that I'm yawning...

This afternoon, I was telling myself how I can repay my parents back... since their starting to ask for refunds and would want them to pay them back... I feel so abandoned.. as if every emotion has been stripped off from my entire human system. Like everything that is being thrown at me, is ricocheting on its own. 

No Facebook. No Yahoo Messenger. No Games. No Boyfriend. Less Cellphone.

I'm not actually angry at a certain person, but instead I'm angry at myself... I feel like I'm destroying myself, and I'm also stopping myself from doing it.

change... 


how self destructive... I beg not to be bi-polar, I beg not to be narcissistic, I beg not to be a patriot, I beg not to be pessimistic. I beg not to feel immune.. 


I close my eyes, and future career is what is playing inside my head.. return the money... parents... debts.. never ending problems.

Dear God,
I pray that you give me grace, I don't want my old life back. But instead, I pray for something better than it... Thank you and I love you.

 how contradicting...
My sister is listening to Justine Bieber, which is One Time.

[Blah]

How does love go about anyway...

Idiocy is for the naive..

Again, here I am... with bare emotions. just finished yawning- teary eyed. Everyday I continue to believe that everything will be alright, even if rapture is near- or should I say soon to come..

Is death better than waiting for the apocalypse?
I remember telling my friend last night that I miss talking to someone, miss talking to a person whom I can confine my pain too.. Most of the time, I keep myself busy. Its not that its against my will, but instead I still pursue into putting my efforts into it. Having a boyfriend is still a long term goal for me...

After this semester, I'm planning to disappear again... Its an actual harsh decision, I've lost hope and is not expecting anymore. Tribulation I encounter everyday is a struggle to always get up on my feet and continue with what is ahead of me. Sometimes I want to cry but I feel so emotionless again; which is bad.

I watched V for Vendetta yesterday, Inglorious Bastard and today 2012... The pattern seems funny, all seem to link to one context which is somewhat political and truly they were. Truly, I am so amazed at how God can make me see into things...

Yet here I am... the hopeless person, where is the key to my hope?

[yawn]

ciao bella

Ang alam ko, mahal kita pero hindi ako umaasa ng kahit ano. Gusto ko ganto lang.

I'm growing sleepy and tired, just came home from my friend's house and we chatted for about two hours or catching up with the seven months that went by. I've realized many things, yet I can't put it into words... I feel so helpless right now, my eyes are getting weaker and weaker as I type away.

zzzz...
yawn

It has officially started again, and I want to exclude myself again to humanity. The good old isolated me.

One goal, One aim, One God.

ciao bella~

Last night was just unavoidable, seriously? Drinking out and partying... just realized its not my thing anymore, it felt like it was wrong as if fitting yourself in a really nice top yet you don't look good on it. A lot of things crossed my mind last night, I even thought about this guy that I like because we were around Makati area in Jupiter street and he would tell me that he usually hangs out there. No chance of luck, we didn't push through and stayed in Fiamma because it was kind of boring and the place was just dead and to think that was already 11:30pm.... Then we decided to go to Timog and settled for a place called Dolce; its this super club in north that people from there goes to. 

Yet again, I attempted to break out of my coffin and stayed out and chillax with other people... The crowd was a  party place but it was more like mixed people not like in Fort but we stayed. It was a different feeling, I had the urge of this trying to avoid the alcohol and partying.... Whenever I go to the toilet and boys would check me out, I would look straight and avoid eye contact... I felt so strict and emotionless. The whole time, I would talk to Kuya Jess inside my head and pray calmly and tell him: "I can do this, avoid it" The carbon monoxide from cigarettes -was just polluting my eyes and I was starting to get all droopy... I finished my san mig light, and changed to the Gilbey's Green Tea; which I said was my favorite.... The music was lively and it enticed me to dance and move around, then my sister's friend starts to annoy me at first I was like "Yeah I'm cool"... as time went by he starts to pinch my arm and would ask me if I was alright and I kept a cool face and repeated my answer. That actually happened like may be 8 times or so, and he would also poke my sides... I was in control, and continuously prayed mentally. 

The night was fast, we actually went home at around 5am..... It was just not right, didn't felt right. or maybe because I wasn't used to it? The whole ride going home, the guy kept on touching my hair and would tuck it in my ear and would touch my shoulder and he would slide his hands to my hair... I felt grossed out... I wanted to cry and shouted for help, I wanted my old boyfriend to come rescue me but nothing so instead I continued to pray to Kuya Jess... My head felt heavy, I started to feel sleepy... As soon as I got home, I washed up and prepared for bed. The sun was almost up, the birds were chirping.. I felt uneasy, I slept the whole day and woke up at 4pm, ate my late lunch and took a bath and got ready for church... During church, I asked for forgiveness. It was so not right the whole thing.... But I tried. 

Now, here... I lay... with my sleepy eyes, and would drown myself to dreams... 

ciao bella

I don't know who actually to blame for this "uncertain feeling", life is just getting tougher and tougher.But then again, whenever I remember my retreat and its moral lesson of:

Tanggap lang ng tanggap 

Ironic as it may sound, but acceptance feels like greed. The more you accept, the more you don't get satisfied. Who am I to question once belief. 

After doing what I did, just a couple of minutes ago, it was suppose to make me light.... but my self destruction mode turned up and blew my who momentum.

It sucks to be me, I need to get my self esteem back--- which I think should be near. School is starting... and it sort of sucks. :[

I'm getting so tired, to the point that I fall asleep already while doing this entry. yawn....

BIMK:

Basta Ikaw Mahal kita! :D

The day has ended, and another day has been reborn..