Back in manila..

It never occurred to me that this feeling for returning to the home soil will not be desolated, I can see my stuffs just hanging out and I left them untouched and haven't stowed them away. Its 6 in the morning, I woke up around quarter to 6 to take a leak; the feeling of home still awfully the same. Reality is kicking in slowly and I'm getting fixated with all of it, I'm getting too overwhelmed with it and its not so easy.

I woke up from this slightly awkward dream and it was pretty disturbing I couldn't explain how it felt like but the person who confronted me with a revelation makes it even worst. He put up a face of confidence and directly say: "I'm going to find you a soulmate" (blah blah) the person in the dream left me far far behind already.

I need to start my diet, I feel uncomfortable with my size and appearance... I'm guessing my period is near thats why my hormones are changing again and so as my mood. I sense more change and I'm trying to want to believe in those unspoken events.

I want to cook and I want to bake, yet this weather makes me uneasy and cramped.

In great awe I saw this korean drama called "A man called God" and to my amazement the main character strongly resembled as him:

ahhh... how disturbing naman...
it was so random, apparently I was watching this random korean shows...
TT_TT

This curse, I don't understand it very well or I don't even know how exactly how its suppose to end but it feels as if though your just stuck there. Freedom or equity does not exist in the atmosphere, as if the air that you breathe is only a lease from an untouchable. Its been awhile since my last post again, I'm beginning to feel this aura of remiss that a lot of us are damned with.

The world continues to spin, yet a lot of people haven't still understood how they're life works out. Congratulations to me I think somehow I've gotten half way to my life surmise, I'm not dully educated as to compare with students who aces most of their required subjects; yet I'm still in mediocrity self assigning myself to be amidst in both competence and incompetence. I am bewildered by my ability to seek thorough detail in my life, I can't escape the fact that I remember a lot of aspects and could easily input and adjust it in my system. My world view has changed, and will constantly continue: adjusting and reconfiguring myself to be placed cleanly and discretely in the system. Its a shame I haven't been reading books lately, self educating myself is the only key how I can survive in this environment; like what I said constant adjustment constant reconfigure. I miss a lot embodiment in my said life, I don't feel any remorse for leaving them though it makes me cripple day by day.

Here I am, adjusted and reconfigured to last for a couple of months. Easily wounded easily healed. They've always say that you have your own "choice"

6 days until my return to manila, sanity is creeping over my shoulder. Yet another environment to be familiarize with again.. I want to scream to the world "I want my old life back" but what difference will it make, it continues to spin and pause for no one.

I saw a picture of Ben Barnes in GQ: pak! Super handsome!!! Insanely just insanely attractive, those nice long hair and charming facial features... oohlala!

These past few days are just plain random and disturbing, the boys in my dreams are hunting me... like their so real yet so unreal... it feels like a new sign, yet its not a sign... there's no conspiracy? Okey... let me try to plot it out, 4 years ago I had a relationship then had to cut it and delete the memories and that was summer I came back from a vacation.... had a new love that bloomed again.. then eventually died again, yes thats the soulful perfect word: DIED!
-now, here I am ended a relationship again and I'm coming home from a vacation again? so is it possible that I'm-- okey lets keep it into that kind of mystery, I don't want to make premature analysis. Besides, I should already know which are the best assets to keep a relationship fit and healthy then again I hope I wont forget my precarious strategies and would have to mobilize them if ever I'll get a chance. Oh fuck, what the hell am I saying again... there we go, all the intense brain is working again... crap crap crap, I'm so tired of this lame redundant thoughts, its giving me a headache... plus my nape continues to ache, I guess I'm going to crash now..

ciao bells

Got to  make this quick, theres no real reason actually behind the being "quick" gotta go thing... hah! I just finished watching a movie with my brother: "13 going on 30" it was pretty cute... I know its very child-like the romance was just too darn too good to be true, I'm not quite certain if I already made an entry about that movie but any how: it sure did hit it a spot there... right in that left corner that beats constantly to pump the blood out of me. I admit I'm not a good writer or a person who has good grammar, its just that for the past couple of years I would try to revive this blog of mine to keep me alive.

Meaning, this the only outlet where I can put my thoughts down... I'm quite pathetic and cliché, the thought of me just listening to "Friday I'm in love by The Cure" just goes to show its so coincidental. I want to get over this thoughts, I don't want to dream of this boys anymore and let me even think of "love"--- hence I don't actually want to be pressured with this thing called "love". May be I've gone mad already in terms of being a "hater" well you can also put it like that. I miss a lot of things in my life and I don't want to enumerate them, frankly I'm lost... I feel like a lost child in the woods.

Earlier in the morning, I went to the Den and browsed through books and just wanted to grabbed a really good book and relax and let my head calm itself down. Its more of like I want to go home and place myself to something familiar and lay there until time lapse. The book I randomly picked up was just right: "The Peter Principle" perfect for the "mood swing". I currently feel my eyes welling up again, I'm injecting myself with the thoughts of "no regrets, whats done is done". I'm condoned to this feeling... insanely empty and cold. Three words eight letters. What makes it even harsh is that, I feel that the month of May is drawing closer to me.

crashing smoothly on the bed, this sure did help me.

What a Monday morning

Thinking it was just an ordinary morning, you wake up peek through the window and there were droplets of rain trickling down then get off the bed and go straight to the bathroom and sit on the cold toilet. Doing my usual morning routine; washing my face with cold water as soon as I toweled and dried up I darted down stairs to eat my morning breakfast. Again the usual I went through the pantry to get the cereal box; checked the expiration dates of the cereals took the latest box and emptied it out, not knowing it was almost empty I got another box and opened it again then went through the ref to pour myself a milk to my surprise the people finished the milk and I thought to myself to just pour a chocolate soy milk. I was munching away with my cereals I saw my aunt entering the hall way and greeting me a pleasant "good morning" and telling me that her pillows from her patio got soaked last night due to the light rain fall. I minded my own business and munched on my cereal and took an ample slice of poppy seed bread, I sat down on the breakfast counter still munching away when my aunt suddenly shouted "Oh My God" then she repeated the phrase again and I was saying "you lost your trade again or did the DOW went down?" then she repeated again and tears started to fall.

My mom suddenly started to rush toward her, then my mom said "what happened tell me what happened" then my aunt said "Sean is dead, Inda's son is dead" and she added "anong meron ba sa mga bata ngayon" -- so I back flashed and remembered he was the fireman. My aunt continued talking while she was breaking down, she said that the young man committed suicide then my mom continues to cry because of thoughts about my brother. I didn't know how to react during that 5 minutes that I was there, I continued to eat my breakfast being an empty me I didn't know how to feel... there were no tears coming out of my ducts, nor what to feel about Tita Inda's lost. Hence, this feeling of grief I never liked it... it slowly envelopes you holistically then makes you sob till your eyes hurts. I know that feeling very well that right now my chest hurts and my eyes are starting to water again. Now all I can do is to be stunned and bite my lower lip... now I'm hearing again this story over and over again. I'm here   near the speaker phone, over hearing my aunt's story over and over again... My mom is in front of me now, saying that we should not let my younger brother know about the story.

Here I sit infront of my laptop, to my right is the window.... its so real that I feel grief in the air and its so melancholic... I don't like it, and I am so disgusted with it...

[pause, because my mom is talking with me about my brother]

Really I don't know how to react with this... I guess I am not ready to face a lot of things when I get back to Manila. So here I am... hearing all of this problems and stories, them not knowing: I'm trying to fight away this serious "Depression" inside of me. As I fight away this tears that wants to fall out of my eyes my chest is starting to hurt.

Fine, what I do not know wont hurt me... I don't want to know... okey let me be clueless then. Now that time is lapsing again, my heart is pounding at the thought of me embracing my new life when I get back to Manila. How do I recover from loneliness? Why does depression even exist in this world?

I sit and as I gaze outside the window I try so hard to understand why this things evolve inside our head, an hour has already passed ever since I started my entry. I don't like falling into this pit of depression thats why I must fight it, your emotions are always there... they complete you then they let you crash on your own. Spiritually God will be the one who will guide me, when all else fail... who is there to catch me? It hurts to think when you know your already lost.. who do I run to aside from God?

making it worst.. the sky is very gloomy and dark... every detail makes it even worst.