A Not so Sugar Coated Life

What a Monday morning

Thinking it was just an ordinary morning, you wake up peek through the window and there were droplets of rain trickling down then get off the bed and go straight to the bathroom and sit on the cold toilet. Doing my usual morning routine; washing my face with cold water as soon as I toweled and dried up I darted down stairs to eat my morning breakfast. Again the usual I went through the pantry to get the cereal box; checked the expiration dates of the cereals took the latest box and emptied it out, not knowing it was almost empty I got another box and opened it again then went through the ref to pour myself a milk to my surprise the people finished the milk and I thought to myself to just pour a chocolate soy milk. I was munching away with my cereals I saw my aunt entering the hall way and greeting me a pleasant "good morning" and telling me that her pillows from her patio got soaked last night due to the light rain fall. I minded my own business and munched on my cereal and took an ample slice of poppy seed bread, I sat down on the breakfast counter still munching away when my aunt suddenly shouted "Oh My God" then she repeated the phrase again and I was saying "you lost your trade again or did the DOW went down?" then she repeated again and tears started to fall.

My mom suddenly started to rush toward her, then my mom said "what happened tell me what happened" then my aunt said "Sean is dead, Inda's son is dead" and she added "anong meron ba sa mga bata ngayon" -- so I back flashed and remembered he was the fireman. My aunt continued talking while she was breaking down, she said that the young man committed suicide then my mom continues to cry because of thoughts about my brother. I didn't know how to react during that 5 minutes that I was there, I continued to eat my breakfast being an empty me I didn't know how to feel... there were no tears coming out of my ducts, nor what to feel about Tita Inda's lost. Hence, this feeling of grief I never liked it... it slowly envelopes you holistically then makes you sob till your eyes hurts. I know that feeling very well that right now my chest hurts and my eyes are starting to water again. Now all I can do is to be stunned and bite my lower lip... now I'm hearing again this story over and over again. I'm here   near the speaker phone, over hearing my aunt's story over and over again... My mom is in front of me now, saying that we should not let my younger brother know about the story.

Here I sit infront of my laptop, to my right is the window.... its so real that I feel grief in the air and its so melancholic... I don't like it, and I am so disgusted with it...

[pause, because my mom is talking with me about my brother]

Really I don't know how to react with this... I guess I am not ready to face a lot of things when I get back to Manila. So here I am... hearing all of this problems and stories, them not knowing: I'm trying to fight away this serious "Depression" inside of me. As I fight away this tears that wants to fall out of my eyes my chest is starting to hurt.

Fine, what I do not know wont hurt me... I don't want to know... okey let me be clueless then. Now that time is lapsing again, my heart is pounding at the thought of me embracing my new life when I get back to Manila. How do I recover from loneliness? Why does depression even exist in this world?

I sit and as I gaze outside the window I try so hard to understand why this things evolve inside our head, an hour has already passed ever since I started my entry. I don't like falling into this pit of depression thats why I must fight it, your emotions are always there... they complete you then they let you crash on your own. Spiritually God will be the one who will guide me, when all else fail... who is there to catch me? It hurts to think when you know your already lost.. who do I run to aside from God?

making it worst.. the sky is very gloomy and dark... every detail makes it even worst.