Confide to my own

Here I am, trying to understand who I really am; confused- feels like floating in a midst of an after shot of a tranquilizer. I have to convince myself that I am ready, this is not a hard decision because I'm aware of what the rewards are to this plan. I am going to be intimate on myself and with God. My relationship with him may be gone, but my relationship with Him is just starting. I may be alone at times, but I know and I am fully capable of knowing my own strength. We carry our own crosses, by carrying it; we prove to our self that we are not martyrs but instead we will prove to them that we will be able to move on with life with a little sacrifice to carry on our back.

Now; here I am. Standing in a state of a dead face, I was never apathetic... This is who I am, my fortress are made to protect me, this walls are ready again for wars and battle. Nonetheless, one shall be the victor for all this tragedies. In the end, you don't need to taint your enemy with blood; but instead you either win without shedding blood or you simply give up and wave that white flag above your castle.

Never grow tired on what you've chosen, your decisions were made by your own will and God was there to support them. Now that I know, you will be simply be Happy without me. When I'm gone you'll still be okey, and that for me is already a sign. I wont get hurt nor be happy, but instead; I'll vie for another goal. To completely pluck out the last thread in the hole, and exchange that last thread for a new thread; more colorful and beautiful.

The best part of this sanity, is that your not able to read what my real thoughts were even from the start; I have always tried to let you understand what I felt but instead you tell me that my arguments are but of stupidity and unnecessary which are sometimes true.

But I have always love you for who you were, even if you thought I never appreciated your simple and extravagant gifts from your heart. Now I confide to this message, because I want to dare myself to just simply walk away with all this feelings and leave it all behind. I may sound selfish, but you have always told me that it was always easy for me; it was never easy for me to be this kind of woman. It took years to mold myself, enough to suit myself and for you, I have always watched for other people's welfare because I care for them ethereally and that I was never selfish.

Yes, I am an unfenced fire for I will continue to burn; to burn for Him and Him alone. I will do this because I need God right now, and He is willing to watch over me and love me more and more. When I'm gone, I know you'll be more happy, because all the bad things you've always seen and disliked about me will forever be gone. I will not fall apart anymore, because now I know that; starting today I am gone and I will be back with a new Me -not for yours to love but to only see and witness.

I will let go of you now, thank you for taking good care of me and loving me ethereally. You will always have a place inside my heart, but now you have let me go- I will let God fill your shoes.

“For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.”- Hebrews 4:12

Erase my insecurities

Tonight is a quiet Sunday, I am able to relax think less and is able to type in my blog again. It's almost the end of the month, and how else should my head think now? Since anything is possible, that not everything can be attain at your own will but instead in God's time it can.

I never liked the quality *personality* that I have when it comes to comparing myself with another person, it usually happens when my head lapse and when I'm not in control of my thinking ways at the same time when I'm just simply insecure about myself.

Cat- a friend of mine mentioned to me that: "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful I know that full well" -Psalm 139:14

I personally would want to stop myself from being a person that I am not, example are: going out and drink till I puke and be dizzy, party out with friends, get wasted, dance with other people. I guess I'm just that person whom I really think, my guard is always up? That I don't easily fall on the ground or surrender, but there are times that it happens you just simply fail and give up for no odd reason.

Everyday, I confess my sins to God and to the Holy Spirit; that I sin because satan pushes me to do bad. Its an instant reaction to my being, that I would have to ask for forgiveness with the Lord because he can forgive and save me.

It's been tough, living in this state; trying to be okey as much as possible and to ignore the sorrows that make you remember what just happened. Would it be even be better to have just a companion than to have a lover on the side. It's hard to accept, but your left to one simple answer "acceptance", you redeem yourself by accepting the mistake or even forgiving what went wrong. Submit yourself to what is in front; never put yourself in jeopardy or a situation that you think does not have an escape pod.

I HAVE COME TO LEARN AND UNDERSTAND: That I have to let go, I need to restrain myself, I would say that its best surrender, to stop listen- then think of what your suppose to reply or say.

I am in deep stressful position, I am tired of worrying- I am tired of being insecure- I am trying to be ready to let go- I am not a heartless person to just let things not affect me (emotionally)

I want to stop thinking of my previous half, I want to temporarily release him in my mind and let the Lord do His ways on me at the same time with him.

The fact that I know: I'll be able to do this with God's help and not with the influence of any evil doings. I believe, I will be a better person for him or for whoever person who can love me again.

(Instead of studying and doing my tourism paper; I am stuck here releasing my thoughts emotionless.)

God, You are the only Highly Being who will be able to help me in this situation. I will be able to do this with your guidance and only yours.

[It seems like I'm sleepy, and a best way for me to divert my attention is to rest and may be lay off my head with irrelevant thoughts]

Dear God,

I am thankful that you are my friend, that you have given me friends that could hear me and love me for who I am. I will believe in inner beauty, that I will try my best to not put myself down but rather I will maintain and balance myself to appreciate my whole self because I am made by You and Only You.

~a demain

WRONG MOVE

OH WHAT THE FREAKING HELL!!!

THAT WAS ONE WRONG WRONG MOVE... DAMN... WHY DID I DO THAT... WHY!!!

I WAS IN CONTROL ALREADY, AND I LET IT SLIPPED AGAIN. DAMN IT... I NEED AN ESCAPE POD. PLEASE,

DAMN... I AM STARTING TO DROWN AGAIN...

MY CHEST HURTS, SERIOUSLY, I AM GRIPPING. HOLDING ON TO THE TIGHT ROPES OF FREAKISHLY WEIRD FEELINGS..

I NEED TO SUBSIDE IT. LET IT LOOSE, AND TAKE CONTROL OF THIS EVIL FATE.

OKEY, LET ME BREATHE SOME AIR. AND CLEAR MY MIND. AND LET THIS HEART, PUMP LESS OF ITS BLOOD ONTO THE ARTERIES TOWARD IT.

I WOULD DEFINITELY WOULD WANT THAT DRINK NOW..

CREATE AN IMAGINARY HOLE.

GIVE ME AN ESCAPE HOLE NOW!!

GAPING HOLE, MUST BE TOTALLY SEALED ASAP. I can't help this anymore, happiness is so short and sweet. But why.. truly, I am mistaken again. Or so... Reality, is just killing me again. I hope and I pray, I will not give up.

Stop with the peep hole.

Yearning ends from here.

Farewell feelings.

Why do French terms don't mend me...

:] I can't believe I'm procrastinating while studying, its so hard to just simply study words that may sound easy. BUT can never stay in your head?

WHY? Is it so impossible, for foreign objects to not stay in your mind? For example, this French Terms that I'm studying. For the past 2 years, I've been hearing and learning some French words, sentences.. But never did it stay long, well I guess some do... *oohlala* c'est terrible...

I hope I pass this French Regional class of mine, I need to really pass this. This is the key to my internship, so I need to pull everything that I can pull. My undies, shorts, bra, skirt etc.

<3>

Oh how life can be so cruel, truly? It was never easy, theorist may formulate a theory for life's simplicity. But never an algorithm of it? OH HOW life can be just be simple: Even if it is. *Your brain's always on overdrive, then eventually you can turn it down again* like automatic transmission in cars.

*Pause break: Study*

good night

P.S.

I still miss him. I can't take him off my mind, but I'm trying...

Why is time speeding up again?

What the deal? it seems like week is starting to pass by on us slowly but surely..

Oh my head hurts, its feels so tired and weak. Plus the health issues is kicking again, so I am thin? or am I fat? I am so confused, but I'm not trying to loose weight anymore. I just don't feel like eating much anymore.

And he still cares, thats for sure. Which made me happy and a little jolt in the old heart of mine. Now, I really have to pass out. Since I only have 5 hours left for sleep.

deengggits!

I miss him, I think he'll make a lot difference when I see him and when I get to hug him close to my arms again.... :(

Alright, enough of this. All I'm saying is, *week* please slow down again.

I have to pray and have this semi-beauty sleep of mine.

*off to dream land* I pray that I'll have happy dreams. And enough of "end of the world" type of dream...

crap.

My super imposed infatuated feelings for another person? Who is this person? Nonetheless the ever so... favored one..

Damn it, I need to make another strategy. I need to stop thinking about that GUY... >_<>

Haay. I miss him. Period..

*I don't know how else you can take it back*

Hello October

Its now october, and who would believe thats its been such a fast "time"... Hearing my sister as if she's like talking to a dead animal that she's so pissed right now...

OH how time passes by so quickly, that I miss typing here in my blog. I would never have thought that having to type thoughts is a way to really clear your mind of. I miss him, I miss him big time... Its been such a bad week for the country... (can still hear her sister shouting and blah blah) she's ruining the my momentum. Jeez, its been a month... and I'm so fascinated with how were able to go along with this break up we did. It only goes to show that we are no longer vulnerable...

What made me smile and gives me a sign of hope is that: he's mom still wants me for him. Which I think, he's the only man I can truly love. (OH life) why can't you be at least be nice and sweet at times and not kill me. But God's been great, He is truly amazing for helping me get through this; especially this issue with this GUY 2... I would definitely would want to forget his guts. I really don't like why he can just pull up an act... LIAR! Damn fat liar...

YOU ARE "public enemy number 1" PERIOD

Well for starters, the only thing I could do is wait... and Pray that my Visa would get granted. I know this internship will really help me grow More as a person. Not only mentally but I believe that I will be able to bring many things from what I can learn from their culture. I'm a little bit afraid, but I know I can do this. I know I wont forget him, I know this will make me fall for him more, and would wait for the right time.

I'm so excited about the future, that I want to be ready all the time. The homily of the priest today was really interesting, it was about "divorce" and how your not suppose to separate with the love one you have chosen to get wed with. The first person and the last person whom I'd want to marry would still be the same, except if he really did move on with his life... Then again thats the only time I would change my mind. I'm not sad nor happy, but living this life that I have at the moment. I'd say I have to continue with it, believe on what God wants for me... His plans for me will be my destiny and my future.

Seek not for it will be given

I want to enjoy my life with whats in front of me now, I want to recreate myself to a better person, where that assigned person for me will fit perfectly with me. I never wanted to be tactless, I never wanted to be treated like a queen, all I wanted was to be taken cared of. I never saw FLAWS as a hindrance from liking or yet Loving someone. I am also made with flaws...

Oh October, your the last month I'll be spending time here in Manila... If ever I'd be successful in this trip of mine. I want to be ready, I want to embrace this opportunity that I have, I don't want to regret it because I know after this GREAT things will come my way. Because I believe in the Lord my Saviour. He will truly guide me in my journey.

I want to spend my october: in a good way, happy way, exciting way or either more of a GOOD surprise way.

God I will not stop loving you, I will Continue my faith and to love you more and more.