Here I am, trying to understand who I really am; confused- feels like floating in a midst of an after shot of a tranquilizer. I have to convince myself that I am ready, this is not a hard decision because I'm aware of what the rewards are to this plan. I am going to be intimate on myself and with God. My relationship with him may be gone, but my relationship with Him is just starting. I may be alone at times, but I know and I am fully capable of knowing my own strength. We carry our own crosses, by carrying it; we prove to our self that we are not martyrs but instead we will prove to them that we will be able to move on with life with a little sacrifice to carry on our back.
Now; here I am. Standing in a state of a dead face, I was never apathetic... This is who I am, my fortress are made to protect me, this walls are ready again for wars and battle. Nonetheless, one shall be the victor for all this tragedies. In the end, you don't need to taint your enemy with blood; but instead you either win without shedding blood or you simply give up and wave that white flag above your castle.
Never grow tired on what you've chosen, your decisions were made by your own will and God was there to support them. Now that I know, you will be simply be Happy without me. When I'm gone you'll still be okey, and that for me is already a sign. I wont get hurt nor be happy, but instead; I'll vie for another goal. To completely pluck out the last thread in the hole, and exchange that last thread for a new thread; more colorful and beautiful.
The best part of this sanity, is that your not able to read what my real thoughts were even from the start; I have always tried to let you understand what I felt but instead you tell me that my arguments are but of stupidity and unnecessary which are sometimes true.
But I have always love you for who you were, even if you thought I never appreciated your simple and extravagant gifts from your heart. Now I confide to this message, because I want to dare myself to just simply walk away with all this feelings and leave it all behind. I may sound selfish, but you have always told me that it was always easy for me; it was never easy for me to be this kind of woman. It took years to mold myself, enough to suit myself and for you, I have always watched for other people's welfare because I care for them ethereally and that I was never selfish.
Yes, I am an unfenced fire for I will continue to burn; to burn for Him and Him alone. I will do this because I need God right now, and He is willing to watch over me and love me more and more. When I'm gone, I know you'll be more happy, because all the bad things you've always seen and disliked about me will forever be gone. I will not fall apart anymore, because now I know that; starting today I am gone and I will be back with a new Me -not for yours to love but to only see and witness.
I will let go of you now, thank you for taking good care of me and loving me ethereally. You will always have a place inside my heart, but now you have let me go- I will let God fill your shoes.
“For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.”- Hebrews 4:12
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